At the Heart of It All
by Valma
Summary: What if Daphne died? A look at how Niles would be affected by such a tragedy.
1. Default Chapter

At the Heart of It All 

by Val McCaffery

Chapter 1 : Letting Go

Click.... click..... click..... click.

The sound of the locket case opening and closing took on a rhythmic beat.

Niles gazed at her picture but the pain of seeing her smiling face, her brown eyes looking deeply back at him and her auburn hair falling gently around her shoulders, overwhelmed him all too quickly. After a fleeting glance, he found himself compelled to snap the polished gold cover shut.

Click.

But after a few seconds he couldn't stand _not _looking at her, so he once again opened the smooth, heart-shaped piece of jewelry to steal another glimpse of his beloved… Daphne.

Click.... Click.... Click...

"Niles?"

Click.

"What is it, Frasier?" he answered, with a tired sound in his voice that showed so clearly all of the burdens of his heart over the last few months.

Niles turned around and returned the pendant to its resting-place in the breast pocket of his crisp linen shirt. This was as close to his heart as he could get it without surgery.

"Nothing really," replied his brother. "I just wanted to know if I could get you anything?"

__

"Get me anything?" thought Niles. "Well, let's see... how about a new heart. This one of mine is beyond repair, you see ... or a quick and painless way to put me out of my misery, one that wouldn't cause my loving family too much grief - there has been enough of that ... or... or... "

"No, Frasier," Niles found himself telling his brother. "You've done just about all anyone could do. I... I just need some time a… alone for a little while, I think. Thanks..."

His words disappeared into the darkness of the bedroom.

"Oh, Niles!" said Frasier, coming up behind him and placing his hand on his younger brother's sagging shoulders.

Niles' body tensed slightly at the touch of another person invading his territory, his personal world of grief. He turned his pale face towards Frasier's comforting voice.

"Niles, I think I should stay with you for a bit. You haven't really given yourself a chance to grieve properly, you know. What with all the funeral arrangements and the doctors and the loss of the ba...."

"Please!" Niles fairly shouted, not in anger, but more in self-defense. "Please... Frasier, I _know _what happened. I was there, remember?"

"I am more afraid that you will never let _yourself _forget," Frasier almost whispered.

"I know you didn't mean that to be cruel, but I am having a hard time not taking it that way right now," Niles hoarsely responded, his throat tightening with emotion. "Why would you ever want me to forget Daphne? You know that isn't possible! And even if I had a conscious choice in the matter, you know I would never t... take that path anyw... way!"

The last few words were rushed out with a strangled, high-pitched sound as Niles jerked his body stiffly away from his brother.

"P... please leave now, Frasier," he stammered.

Niles' voice cracked slightly. His words had a finality about them, as if to clearly discourage any further endeavors at communication. He lowered himself slowly until he was perched rigidly on the edge of the bed.

Niles watched as Frasier tenaciously moved around in front and sat opposite him in a chair. He knew his brother had purposely positioned himself like this. That way, Frasier would be close enough to reach out and grasp Niles' trembling hands, which were very busy at that moment nervously picking at the imaginary pieces of lint on his neatly pressed trouser leg. Frasier never did appreciate the comfort that Niles found in this type of repetitive movement. Niles didn't draw back, but his whole body stiffened even further under the touch of Frasier's hands.

"Niles, I don't want you to forget Daphne," Frasier said with kind determination, "I want you to forget the pain of her absence."

"Can't be done, brother!" Niles said with an edgy laugh. He pulled his hands free of his brother's grip and rubbed his creased brow. "God knows I have tried! Sleeping aids, alcohol, talking to myself... t... tr... tried to tell myself that it was for the best, that she was only suffering, that she is in a better place now - that's what she said, didn't she – before she d... died."

Niles had to stop. His head suddenly drooped and his body convulsed slightly. He took a large gulp of air, trying to regain his composure. It was a vain attempt.

The uncomfortable silence became deafening.

Like a hammer blow, Frasier's voice finally smashed the uneasy stillness.

"Niles, the one thing you haven't really tried is talking to others about it." 

Niles knew that what Frasier had said was not only compassionate but it was also totally reasonable. But that didn't seem to matter. No words of sympathy or support were enough to soothe his suffering. No rational advice seemed to ease his constant rage at the inherent unfairness that had been imposed upon him. There _was_ no solution to appease his current torment. The only thing that could really have helped him was something that was an impossibility. _He wanted Daphne back._

Frasier studied the agony on the face of his brother. It was a look that he had grown accustomed to over the last few months. 

Everyone was concerned for Niles' well being. They had all seen his malaise building, but had been almost afraid to talk about it.

Strangely enough it was Roz who had been the first one to say anything out loud. It had happened in the parking lot of the hospital on a day that was sympathetically gray and threatening rain. Frasier could still hear her raspy twang as she had interrupted his troubled quietude that afternoon.

"Frasier," she had said, with a hint of dreading in her voice. "Frasier, have you noticed that Niles isn't handling this too well? I'm worried 'bout him."

__

"Good old Roz! She comes on all tough and sarcastic, but underneath she has a heart of pure marshmallow," Frasier thought. "She'd be the one to finally say _what we all have been thinking for the last little while"..._

It all started so many months ago with what seemed like the very best kind of news. They weren't actually _trying_ to get pregnant, but ever since the wedding a year ago, they had decided just to "let nature take its course," as Niles had put it to an inquiring Frasier on a muggy afternoon at the Cafe Nervosa. Then he added for good measure, "As if it really is any of _your_ business!" in a semi-serious, huffy tone. 

Niles could be so insufferable in his arrogance sometimes, Frasier thought. But when he was joyful about something, his unbridled enthusiasm made up for all the snippiness. And Daphne's "bump news," as she put it, was a time for joy!

By the time Daphne went to the doctor's to confirm the results of the home pregnancy test, she was almost at the end of her first month. 

She and Niles could barely contain themselves long enough to anxiously call everyone to gather at Frasier's apartment so that they could announce their good tidings. There were champagne toasts all around except for Daphne, of course. She prudently had sparkling water. After the proud parents-to-be had departed, Frasier swore that he hadn't seen such a goofy look on Niles' face since that morning in Nervosa when it was revealed that Daphne and he had indeed begun to consummate their relationship. 

Later, when Frasier came to think back on those moments, it seemed like a particularly cruel twist of fate to him that someone as meticulous as Niles when it came to anything concerning Daphne, hadn't noticed some of the signs of trouble earlier. Niles had mentioned to his brother, in one of his daily pregnancy updates, that Daphne had been feeling fatigued and looked a bit paler than usual, but both of them had attributed this condition to the nausea caused by morning sickness.

Daphne was considered to be in a higher risk category because of her thyroid condition, but their ob-gyn, Dr. Hewitt, assured them that with careful monitoring of her hormones, the chance of a miscarriage was not as great nowadays as it had been in the past. As Niles said to Frasier, "In all likelihood we can expect a normal pregnancy!" 

Unfortunately, things didn't always turn out the way they were expected.

When the symptoms began to increase in severity, instead of subsiding as time elapsed, everyone knew that something more serious was happening to Daphne than just a queasy tummy. Further examinations determined that there was indeed a serious problem with a disproportion of hormones that had been masked by the common characteristics of her pregnancy. 

As soon as the thyroid dysfunction was detected, Daphne was classified as very high-risk and given special medical attention. But the undetected imbalance had already done its damage and a miscarriage seemed imminent in spite of some very valiant efforts on the part of Dr. Hewitt and the hospital.

To most people, Niles appeared to be in control of his feelings. He didn't really look chipper. No one expected that. But for a few weeks, Frasier noted, Niles seemed uncharacteristically restrained. No hyperventilating, no panic attacks, not even any indecisive questions to his wiser, older brother on what to do next. Niles just took up the reins and seemed to be riding that fated horse to the finish line.

Sure, he had some moments where he wasn't really _in_ it. If there was any lull in the conversation, he would stare off into space and it took a _lot _of prodding to get him back from whatever personal hell he had fallen into. Sometimes his eyes would well up with tears and he would excuse himself from the table. Just when Frasier thought that someone should go check on him in the bathroom, out he would come displaying a frozen grimace of a smile. It all seemed to bring back memories of the famous 'party face' he used to throw on when Mel wanted to glide through some social occasion and all was not merry.

But considering Daphne was hospitalized and the highly anticipated arrival of a new grandchild for Martin was in jeopardy, most people would have categorized his behavior as strong or brave.

Everyone except the people who knew him best, that is.

Frasier had noticed it, but didn't want to say anything because

articulating it to others would only worsen the situation - like a jinx or curse. If he asked Niles how things _really_ were, he would get that damned 'party face' and a pat reply.

"Fine... fine... considering... " and then Niles would avoid eye contact and give some excuse like he had to go to the office because things were "really ... really piling up, what with all the visits to the hospital and the doctor's office during the day." And with that he would rush off in that awkward gait, as only the younger Crane boy could, looking like an overgrown adolescent struggling to keep his balance on the moving sidewalk in a carnival funhouse. It would have appeared almost comical to some, but Frasier knew this stilted style of walking was an outward manifestation of the inward stress Niles was feeling and could only shake his head with concern.

That was before they lost the baby. 

No matter how many times Niles read the pages of the medical report, it always said the same thing. He flipped open the textured cover of the file and took a long drink of the double scotch he had poured himself.

__

"Extremely low levels of sodium pregnanediol were indicated in Mrs. Crane. _The pregnancy was compromised as a result and a spontaneous abortion_ _occurred on October 16th, in the final month of her first trimester." _

Niles read and re-read the clinical wording until it was burned in his brain.

That was all that was left of their hopes for a child. That cut and dried report and a tiny teddy bear that Niles had bought Daphne as a gift the day after she had announced to him that the results on the stick were positive. 

He tucked both of those reminders away in his "Daphne folder" that he kept in the drawer of his nightstand, sighed with a low moan and closed his eyes. 

Niles did not know at the time that the misery those objects inspired were only a precursor to the nightmare that was to follow.

__

Within two weeks of Daphne being admitted into the hospital for cramping, bleeding and anemia it was all over. Niles took the whole day off and spent it with her, by her side every step of the way. She seemed particularly tired by the ordeal and lost a lot of blood during the miscarriage. Niles remained very distraught by this aspect, but decided not to over-emphasize it, so as to not unduly worry Daphne when she seemed so vulnerable. He just wanted her out of the hospital and back home with him as soon as possible. 

He was there in her room, quietly talking about trying again when she had her strength built up, when Dr. Hewitt and two other doctors from the hospital suddenly appeared.

"Dr. and Mrs. Crane, I would like you to meet some colleagues," interrupted Dr. Hewitt in a particularly somber tone. "This is Dr. Sampson and Dr. Cheung." He paused and cleared his throat. "They're from the oncology department of the hospital."

Niles tightened his grip on Daphne's hand. He glanced at his wife and then back at the three figures in the doorway. Dr. Hewitt closed the door.

"Yeeesss," Niles said slowly "W...why would you want to see us?" 

He blinked twice in rapid succession, as if to clear his mind for the onslaught that was sure to follow.

Niles focused his attention intently on the doctors, but he could hear Daphne in the background whispering, "Oncology, that's.... that's cancer, isn't it?"

"Well," Dr. Cheung took over, "when we were doing some routine blood tests on Mrs. Crane, we found some abnormalities in her white blood cells."

Daphne gasped. "Oh God! It can't be true! No!" she whispered hoarsely.

Niles gently reached out and hugged her, cradling her in his arms. "Shh, shhh, my love." he comforted. Niles looked up and swallowed some air before speaking, "Are... are you sure? Don't you have to do more tests?"

"Of course, of course," said Dr. Hewitt quickly. "And the sooner the better. We've scheduled her for a bone marrow test and some blood examinations tomorrow."

"Which do you suspect it to be," Niles asked dryly, "myelogenous or lymphocytic leukemia?" His voice took on a clinical tone, submerging his urge to scream. If that was what it took to get through this, then for Daphne's sake, he would do just that.

"We don't want to say too soon," said Dr. Sampson. "Without the proper tests." 

"Please," Niles said curtly, his voice rising with the obvious stress he was experiencing. "I'm a doctor too! I know you have an idea of what you are looking for. We want to face this head on. I_...we_ want to know!" 

"We suspect it is acute myelogenous leukemia," Dr. Sampson replied bluntly.

Niles closed his eyes. He could feel his world slipping away.

"We've just lost our baby and now you tell me I have cancer," said Daphne tearfully but with a determined sound in her voice. "Could my husband and I have some privacy, _please_?" Niles squeezed her hand gently in support.

And with that the doctors retreated, leaving them alone.

After Daphne had been diagnosed with leukemia, Frasier noticed that Niles seemed to withdraw even more. No more attending family dinners to lift his spirits. No more stopping into the cafe for a cup of espresso to compensate for his dwindling sleeping habits. No more chatting on the phone with him, trying to evade answering questions that evaluated Daphne's condition. Oh, he didn't exactly _hide_ anything from anyone about her situation. He dutifully reported to them the pertinent facts that they were entitled to know. It was just that everything had to be pried out of him, as if under protest. 

"Yeah, well ... you see, that's a tough one actually," Niles would respond haltingly, when asked about her prognosis for survival. His eyes would dart back and forth, wildly trying to focus on anything except the face of the person he was talking to. Finally he would settle on some inanimate object like the cuff of his shirt or his jacket button, as if concentrating on that would give him the strength to get his answer out. He would tug several times at the selected anchor to his thoughts, stalling further and then finally blurt out his words in a rush. 

"Survival...yeah, well the doctors all seem to think it to be about 14 per cent ... maybe, maybe less because of the severe hemorrhaging she had with... with the m… miscarriage." Having delivered his obligatory accounting, he then would revert back to his tried and true method of escape and claim, "I have to go." Now, he didn't even offer a _half-assed_ excuse as to why he had to rush off. It was a command performance that Frasier had seen encored dozens of times in recent months.

Whenever the others managed to catch a glimpse of Niles going in or out of Daphne's room, or corral him for a few moments in the hallway to get briefings on her status, they came away mostly appalled at the deterioration of his body as well as his spirit. The corporeal effects of the strain were very evident quickly enough. No sleep and little food were the volatile cocktail he was serving himself up in abundance. His angular face grew even thinner than usual. He exhibited all the signs of sleep deprivation - dark circles enveloped his eyes and his skin took on a decidedly sallow tone. His countenance, during any snippets of conversation, was one of either fixated blankness or edgy inattention.

When Frasier, Martin or Roz would come by unexpectedly to see Daphne, he was always there by her bedside, but then he would silently slip away and let the others take over the conversation. Later, as if he had been watching the whole time by the door, he would make an instant reappearance, just when the good-byes were being said. It was like a wall was going up between him and the outside world. The only person he would let into this fortress was Daphne - she was the queen, and _only _occupant, of his private little world. 

One time, Frasier inadvertently intruded in on their time together. He knew he should have declared his presence, but he couldn't help but play the role of the spy on this occasion and stand quietly, with the door slightly ajar, listening in on Niles as he talked in hushed tones to a semi-somnolent Daphne. It wasn't so much what Niles was saying that mesmerized Frasier so. It was the manner in which he said it. When Niles spoke to Daphne his whole presence seemed soft and calm. This was a side of Niles that he never showed in public any more. There was no edge or anxiousness in his tone. His voice took on a low-sounding, musical quality. Frasier grasped he was witnessing Niles' attempt to give Daphne what amounted to an emotional transfusion. The words he used weren't important, the transposing of his feelings of love to replace her pain was the primary purpose of this exercise. It was evident to any observer that he was trying to infuse some of _his_ life and energy into Daphne, all the while, leaving none as a reserve for himself. Frasier knew Niles well enough to recognize that this was a sacrifice that he wouldn't even question. Daphne was the centre of Niles' cosmos, but now it was a universe that was imploding with each passing day. This was the heroic act of a despondent person.

It was then that Frasier finally understood the true magnitude of Niles' love for Daphne, and the depth of his grief. At first he felt humbled to be a witness to such devotion, but then he was overcome with shame at having trespassed into the private territory of a man whose world was breaking apart. As an act of contrition, Frasier bowed his head in humiliation, backed out of the doorway silently and headed toward the elevators, before Niles became aware of his proximity.

"I think he should get some help, don't you?" opinioned Roz, as she and Frasier walked to their cars that gloomy day in St. Bart's hospital parking lot. "My God, he actually looks worse than Daphne and she's the one getting chemo!"

"It's hard trying to talk to him, Roz," Frasier said with a sigh. "You know that yourself. He seems so removed from everything."

"Well, don't you know someone?" she persisted. "Someone who can ... can... I don't know, stop him before he destroys himself?" Frasier noticed that Roz wiped her eyes quickly before he could ask her if she needed his hankie. "It's bad enough that we are losing Daphne. I ... we can't afford to see him in this condition." 

"He just won't accept what's happening and this is his way of dealing with it," Frasier paused before opening his car door. "We can't help someone who is unwilling to help himself. He loves her so much, Roz. It's just too much for him to bear right now. Daphne is going home soon for a couple of weeks of bone marrow recovery. That might cheer him up. At least she'll be with him in a non-hospital environment and during that phase of the treatment patients tend to feel a bit better."

"Oh, it's all so useless!!" Roz bellowed as she turned and thumped her fist on the car's hood. "She is just going to die anyway in the end!! It seems like pointless torture!"

"Oh, Roz, we mustn't give up hope," Frasier started to step towards her as he spoke. "Even if it is just for Niles' sake!"

"But... " Roz wheeled around suddenly and looked up to find herself staring into Niles' ashen face just behind Frasier's shoulders. "Niles, what are you doing here?" 

Frasier turned suddenly at the sound of his brother's name and almost bumped into him.

"Is… is everything all... all right?" Frasier sputtered. "I mean with Daphne. Nothing's happened, has it?"

"Nooo, nothing's happened," Niles said wearily. "I just saw you two over here... and I was on my way out for a bit... and thought that there might be... something wrong and… " He trailed off with a breathy quality to his voice. 

"No! No, nothing's wrong with us!" Roz interjected with a bit too much animation. "I just forgot to ... to get my parking tag and Frasier was offering to... to help me with it!"

It was such a pathetic lie. Niles looked blankly at her. Frasier gave a mental sigh of relief. Maybe Niles was so stressed out that he just didn't notice how lame Roz's excuse was. Or maybe it was the fact that if he questioned her, he would have to open the whole can of worms and face a lot of the feelings that he seemed to be avoiding lately with his friends and family.

"Well, I... I have to be - " Niles sputtered out a response.

"_Off_... yes, I know." Frasier quickly finished his brother's well-rehearsed line.

"Yes, well... " And with that, Niles hurried off to his car.

"Oh, Frasier," moaned Roz. "Do you think he heard us?" 

"Of course he did!" snapped Frasier and then realised that Roz was just worried, like he was, and it wasn't right to take it out on her. "I'm sorry Roz," he muttered, "I didn't mean that."

"Well, that is _really _going to push him over the edge!" she said with regret. "Me and my big mouth! Now you _have _to go and talk to him."

"You know, Roz," said Frasier with deliberation. "Normally I would agree with you, but I think, I think that would be a _really _bad idea right now. I think, for once... I think he needs to be alone for the moment. Sometimes a man just needs some privacy. I'll call him later, or at least try to."

"All right." Roz seemed appeased. "How come Martin didn't come with you today?" 

"He is dealing with this in _his_ own way," Frasier confessed. "He just can't stand seeing Daphne waste away like this. I think it reminds him too much of when Mom died. He'll show up, but just not as frequently as you or I. I talked to Daphne - she understands."

"Gee, I never thought of it from that stand point," Roz said. "It would be tough on Martin like that, wouldn't it? She is like a daughter to him, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is," was all Frasier said as he hugged Roz and got in his car, 

"And like a sister to us," Roz sighed before climbing into her own car and revving the engine.

"Like a sister," repeated Frasier and he wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "That is for sure."

__

"It's all so useless!!"

Roz's words echoed in Niles' head. 

__

"It seems like pointless torture!" 

__

"...useless....torture!"

"TORTURE!" 

His eyes popped open. He had a sensation of falling. He grabbed onto the edge of the fainting couch with his fingers in a desperate bid to keep from tumbling over the edge. But it was all an illusion.

"Oh, my GOD!!!" he cried at the top of his lungs "How am I EVER going to g...get through THIS? DAPHNE!!! DAPHNE!!! OH GOD!!! OH GOD!!! OH GOD!!!" 

He stopped suddenly and started to whisper out loud to himself. "She's going to live and she's going to get better and she's going to be all right 

and -" 

It was his rosary chant - a direct pipeline to a merciful God. He sat up hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

__

"You can't do this!" his internal voice admonished. "You can't go on like this or you'll go crazy!" 

".... she's going to come home and the cancer is going to be in remission," he insisted to no one in particular, his voice gaining in volume as he went on, "and we'll have a baby and we'll live happily ever after."

It was like a mantra to him. Say it out loud enough and it would drown out that terrible inner truth.

__

"Face it, you coward!" his private voice exhorted. "She's going to die very soon and there is nothing you can do to stop it." 

His worst fears were gaining strength.

"NOOOooo!" he howled, his cries echoing off the walls of his

living room. "No, no, no!" 

He pounded the cushions with his fists.

Exhausted, he slumped down on the couch and wept until he was empty of all emotion. This battle was over for now. 

When he couldn't cry any more, he finally slept. And in the early morning light, he got up and slowly began to prepare the house for Daphne's return. 

End of Part One (To be continued)


	2. Chapt. 2 : What Remained Behind

**At the Heart of It All **

by Val McCaffery 

Chapter 2 : What Remained Behind

"No, I'm just _not_ going to do it, Frasier." 

Frasier didn't like the sound of petulance that had crept into Niles' voice.

"Niles, you're not thinking clearly on this issue," Frasier insisted. 

"You should see someone about getting some help so you can deal with this. You know I'm right, you know I am making sense."

"That really doesn't matter. I don't care if it doesn't make sense. I don't care what other people say." 

Frasier knew Niles was digging in his heels and the conversation was rapidly heading towards a dead end. 

"Why can't you just leave me alone? I'm dealing with this the best that I can and right now I can't talk with anyone about how I really feel!" Niles might just as well have obstinately added "So there!" and stuck out his tongue.

Frasier sighed. He hadn't expected his suggestions to be dismissed with such derision so quickly. He had known that there was the potential for more than a few emotional landmines when he had headed over to his brother's place that evening, but suddenly he realised that he was being thrust into the unhappy role of the official family ogre.

In spite of his determination not to get angry with his younger sibling, Frasier found himself beginning to grind his teeth.

"Well, are you just going to wallow in a darkened room and cry yourself to sleep every night?" he asked with a tinge of sharpness. "I know for a fact that you spend waaay too much time in here, night after night, fondling her jewelry, reading the medical reports and doing God knows what else! It won't change the reality. It's time to move on with your life. Daphne's gone, Niles. She's gone and all the wishing and crying in the world won't bring her back!" 

Niles winced at his brother's mention of the treasured locket. Frasier knew he wasn't playing fair to bring that up, but he rationalized that it was time to change tactics and use a little tough love. Something had to be done to counteract Niles' increasing isolation and the _tea and sympathy_ routine hadn't been very effective. Niles had spent most of the last month since the funeral, holed up in the Montana having very little contact with the outside world, just rattling around in his big empty apartment, traversing well-trodden emotional territory. 

"For God's sake Niles, you don't answer your phone, you won't return any of my messages. You never come over to visit Dad and me any more. You smell like a bottle of brandy and I'll wager that you have lost at least 15 pounds in the last month!" Frasier gulped a breath of air as he continued with his carefully rehearsed tirade. "You haven't darkened the doorway of your office in in, I don't know how long! That fellow, Dr. Barringer, who you got to temporarily take over your practice for a few weeks while you got through the funeral, well - he knows most of your patients better than you do by now!" 

Niles sprang off the bed and headed towards the window. He folded his arms across his chest and turned his back on his brother. Of all the things mentioned in Frasier's lengthy harangue, Niles seemed especially stung by the remarks about his lack of professional dedication to his patients. 

"I don't need this badgering right now, Frasier!" Niles' flinty voice pierced through the shadowy room. "You have no idea what I am going through! 

This isn't a matter of me deserting my patients. I have tried to provide for them. It's just that I can't... I can't handle my own feelings right now - how do you expect me to handle anyone else's!" 

"_Niles_!" 

The frustration in Frasier's voice seeped through at first, but then he began to soften. "That's the point I've been trying to get through to you! If you just saw someone, then maybe your dolor would begin to heal. You don't want to always feel this miserable, do you? Therapy could help. Y_ou know that_. It's the way you have helped countless others through their turmoil. If you talk to someone then maybe you could begin to ease yourself back into your work. And maybe you could let the rest of us back into your life... Please?" 

Frasier's voice cracked with emotion. "We miss you, Niles. All of us – Dad, Roz, me... " A small, nervous chuckle escaped from his lips. "... Even Eddie!" He got up slowly from the chair and stood behind his brother. Frasier was close enough to smell the stale odour of hard liquor on Niles' breath. 

Niles shook his head.

"I just can't, Frasier," he whined. "I have let her go, you know. I know 

she's ... " He paused for a painful brief second. "dead. I buried her." 

He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands furiously. His back was still towards Frasier as he spoke with a deliberate tone. 

"The problem is, that once she was gone there was nothing left."

Those last two words fell like lead weights on Frasier's ears.

"Nothing left?" Frasier said with trepidation. " What do you mean? You have her memories, Niles. You'll always have those."

Niles slowed his words down even more, as if he were talking to a child. "Nooo, you don't understand. There was nothing left of me. I don't really exist any more. Don't you see? I'm gone, too." 

"Niles, stop!" Frasier jumped in. "Don't talk like that!" 

Frasier grasped his brother's shoulders and spun him around. He shook him once, as if to wake him from a slumber. 

"Pull yourself together, man! I know how strong you can be. You've weathered emotional storms that were just about as bad as this. We all have! Dad survived Mom dying. I got through the divorce with Lilith and being rejected by Diane! You can do this! We'll get you all the help you need." 

Frasier tried to calm himself by taking some deep breaths. He waited for a response from his brother.

Niles' mouth opened, as if he was about to say something, but no sound came out. His eyes were focused into the dim void of the bedroom just beyond his brother's form. Frasier watched Niles' strained face intently. He could see his jaw work laboriously, in almost a gagging movement. It was as if his brother was struggling to formulate his thoughts, but something was holding him back. For one brief moment Frasier thought Niles was having some type of a seizure. 

"Niles?" he queried. "Niles, are you O.K.?" 

Niles' eyes took on a hooded appearance. His body gave a little shudder and then, for the first time in months, he directed his gaze right at his brother.

"All right, Frasier," he said suddenly. "You've convinced me. I'll talk with someone. Just let me be, for tonight... I'm... I'm really... very tired."

Every intuitive sense in Frasier's soul told him his brother was lying, but that same feeling told him not to push it any further that night. He was sure Niles was on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and Frasier didn't want to be the person responsible for sending him into that dangerous, uncharted territory.

"Alllll riiigghhty, then, we'll just leave it at that," The false cheer in Frasier's voice was like a bandage over an open wound. "Yes, we'll call it a night and I'll see you in the morning. O.K.?"

He patted Niles' shoulder with an avuncular, reassuring touch.

"Yes... in the morning," Niles sounded like a sleepwalker. "Let me show you out."

He glided past Frasier, out of the bedroom and down the stairs in almost a ghostly, fluid-like motion. 

When Frasier caught up to him at the front door of the apartment, he could hear Niles muttering to himself. As soon as his brother was aware Frasier was within earshot, he ceased the one-sided conversation. This was a man on the brink.

"Good bye Frasier," he said quietly with an eerie calm. "And don't worry about me. I've always found a way to muddle my way through things." 

This time it was Frasier who couldn't find the right words. He just nodded and made his exit quickly. If there wasn't going to be any honesty between them, then there was nothing more he could do. 

Seeing Niles go through these automated responses just confirmed for Frasier how deep his brother's condition of denial was. 

Once Frasier was in the elevator he let the breath out of his lungs and leaned against the wall. 

"Muddle your way through things," Frasier thought. "I guess that is a good description of how things went about the time that Daphne died. It wasn't easy for any of us back then, but especially for you, you poor bastard! No wonder you still can't face such a grievous loss. It must have been like a living nightmare." 

******************************************************************** 

"Be careful Daphne." 

Daphne glanced at Niles with mild annoyance. Did he always have to pull his _Mother Hen_ routine?

"Remember what your doctors said about wearing yourself out," Niles further cautioned.

"Niles, you are fussing again, sweetie!" Daphne scolded. "I also remember that they said I should try to get some exercise and move around, if I feel comfortable. Well, for now it feels comfortable, all right? I just want to make myself a cup of tea, like I used to." 

She eased herself carefully out of the chair and headed slowly into the kitchen. Daphne noted a sigh of resignation from Niles as he trotted after her.

"I heard that, you know," she said in mock anger, but continued on her way. She knew full well that if she stumbled, or suddenly felt weak, he would be there right at her side to give her all the help she required.

"It's just that I changed a few things around in the cupboards," he defensively explained. "Since... you know... since you've been gone, and I thought that I could -" 

"Niles, I think I can at least make myself a cup of tea," Daphne interrupted with mild exasperation. "That's one of the few things that we agreed was in my range of cooking expertise."

By the lack of response, Daphne knew he was pouting, even without having to turn around and look at his protruding lip and downcast eyes. 

"And don't sulk," she said saucily. "I can't let you have your own way about everything. You'd get spoiled." 

Still silence. Daphne wondered if she had actually hurt his feelings for real.

She turned around and held out her arms. "Oh! Come here, you silly sausage!"

"I'm so glad you're home, my love," he cooed, as he rocked her back and forth lightly. 

Daphne kissed him on the tip of his nose. She could feel Niles inhaling her fragrance. Of all of her feminine charms, Daphne knew this was the one that hit Niles at his weakest point. She could hear Niles as he breathed deeply and closed his eyes. The intensity of this blissful moment hung in the air like a hummingbird.

Weeeeeeeeee!!!!

The tea kettle shrieked, interrupting their reverie. Daphne gave a bit of a start and turned her attention towards the task at hand. She poured the water, returned the lid to its resting-place on the pot and leaned against the counter. Sometimes the simplest of actions required a strength that she just couldn't muster anymore. Daphne flinched ever so slightly. Niles still had his arms around her waist, but backed off unexpectedly. 

A little, dark cloud of doubt drifted into Daphne's mind.

"Niles, do you still find me attractive?" she probed suddenly.

"What type of a question is that! Of course I do!" he squeaked.

The agitation in her voice rose as she turned to face him and challenge his protestation.

"Well, I don't know why. I _feel_ repulsive. My hair is beginning to fall out. I can't tell you the number of new bruises I have each morning. My skin feels so dry I could file my nails on it... that's if my nails would actually grow now."

Tears started to trickle down her cheeks.

"I feel soo... sooo... ug... ugly!" she sobbed, and with that she collapsed into his arms weeping. 

"Oh Daphne!" 

Niles caressed her cheek and pressed his face up against hers, as he spoke. "Quiet... quiet my love. You will always be the most desirable woman in the world to me! I love you _so_ much! You know that." 

She could feel his warm, salty tears on her skin. He punctuated each sentence with a kiss on her face. 

"Hair is greatly overrated - look at me, I'm living evidence that you can lack hair and still be good-looking," he joked. "Bruises will heal. I'll be more than happy to massage you with all the creams you need to soften you up. You know I can't keep my hands off you and we can always get a good manicurist to give you some flashy nails, if you want to dig them into my back, darling!" 

His gentle yet erotic humour soon had its expected effect and a tiny smile finally broke across her face.

"My word," she jested. "All that passion bubbling beneath such a prim exterior." 

There was a pensive pause and Daphne bit her lip.

"Why did you back away from me just now, Niles?" she cautiously inquired.

"I thought that I might be hurting you," he said patiently. "You have to help me. Sometimes I'm not sure, dear, how much you can take. Be my guide. Tell me what your level of strength is and what you are feeling up to doing. We'll take things in stride, Daphne. I've missed you so much, but I can wait. I know it's been hard, but let's look on the bright side. You're home for a couple of weeks. That is a luxury we shouldn't waste on tears and feeling bad. Come on - I've got a surprise for you that I think you'll like."

He led her out of the kitchen, through the living room and into what had once been their study.

"Niles!" Daphne gasped. "It's a bedroom now!"

"I know," he said. "I didn't want you climbing all those stairs, so I had the room redone and moved our bedroom down to this floor. You like it?"

"How thoughtful!" she answered. "Yes, I definitely like it. Let's test out the bed." 

Daphne saw a once familiar sparkle return to his eyes.

"Your tea will go cold," he quipped.

"That's all right," she said. "I'll just make some more. Remember? I'm an expert at it."

They carefully climbed up on the satiny bedcovering and snuggled together in each other's arms. 

"Niles," said Daphne. "It feels so good to be in our own bed together, after all that's happened this past month. I'm so happy right now, just lying here with you." 

"That's all that I could ever ask for," Niles replied, as she drifted off to sleep cradled by his whole body. "That's more than enough, my love." 

It was so good to be back home, finally!

**********************************************************************

Deep in his heart, Niles understood that the next two weeks would have to serve as their island of respite, in a sea of miserable circumstance. He just didn't want to say it out loud, for both his and Daphne's sake.

Daphne had already suffered one week of intense chemotherapy in the first phase of her treatment. In clinical terms it was known as the "remission induction phase" and meant that her body was repeatedly purged by large doses of drugs designed to kill the rapidly spreading cancer cells. 

Niles had pored over all her medical reports with an intensity that defied definition. He had memorized the entire list of drugs that she had to take to counteract the multitude of side effects that the chemo itself was responsible for. There were also numerous antibiotics to stop infections, the anti-vomiting agents to help her keep her food down, as well as something to fight the risk of toxins, caused by the rapid breakdown of the leukemia cells, from invading her system. The list covered three full pages.

The doctors had counseled Niles that when she came home to the Montana for her bone marrow recovery period, Daphne would still be feeling tired and weak, but would probably be very relieved to be finally out of the hospital. They had told him to think of it as a two-week holiday for her and to try to return to a normal routine, as much as possible. Doing this, the cancer therapist had said, would help strengthen her psychologically, as well as physically, for the next segment of her care. Niles was fully aware that Daphne needed a distinct change from the regimented atmosphere of the hospital. 

And he saw to it that her needs were a top priority in every conceivable way. He pampered and cajoled her, with wonderfully fancy meals he made himself that were light enough for her nauseous tummy to tolerate and yet nutritious enough to help her regain her stamina. Niles catered to her every whim, buying her a whole new wardrobe that hid her bruising and made her feel feminine again. He arranged to have a hairdresser come to the apartment to cut Daphne's hair in a shorter bob that conveniently covered any hair loss that the chemotherapy had caused. But he offered so much more than just spoiling her with material luxuries. He was patient and understanding when she wanted to be alone. If he even suspected that she wanted a hug, Niles would intuitively appear from nowhere and supply the needed loving embrace. He tried his best to master the delicate balance of demonstrating to her a yearning for her attentions, without appearing to pressure her to any degree. He devoted his entire self to seeing to her every desire and expectation. In other words, he was just Niles, as Niles had always been.

With some relief from the chemo, Niles noticed that Daphne began to appear much stronger near the end of her second week at home. She seemed to be returning to a much more normal state of mind. Occasionally, he began to wonder if her sexual appetite would reawaken, as well. Without any overt clues on Daphne's part to guide him though, Niles just remained taciturn about his desires.

Then, one night without warning, things changed.

"Niles," Daphne said as she relaxed on the fainting couch after dinner, when he was clearing the table. "Come here, dearest. I want you." 

"Yes, my love," he said as he came through the swinging door. He was wearing a pair of ridiculous yellow rubber gloves, but with his absolute paranoia about touching table scraps, they were standard issue in this Crane's kitchen. Daphne giggled. 

"What do you want Daphne? Another pillow? Some more tea, perhaps? Just -"

"No, " she interrupted. "I just want you!"

"Ooooh!" he said, stretching out that vowel sound as only he could. "You want me!" His eyebrows fairly danced in delight and a particularly libidinous grin spread spontaneously across his face. 

"Come sit beside me," she said seductively, as she patted the cushion. "But first take off those silly gloves!" 

"Can I assume that won't be the only thing I'll be removing tonight?" he asked excitedly, tossing the gloves on the floor with wanton abandon.

"My, my, what a clever lad you are," she teased as she wrapped her arms around his neck and nibbled on his ear. "Let's start slow and just take our time. I want this to be perfect."

"Anything you say Daaaphne!" Niles purred.

They made love like they were suspended in time. This was one moment that would have to last a lifetime. Somewhere in the recesses of his subconscious he knew that this would be his most intimate way of saying goodbye to her, but he didn't want to dwell on that right now. To think about Daphne being gone just made him numb, in both a corporeal and a spiritual sense, and he wanted to remain keenly aware of every sensation during this cherished interlude. He let his body tell her what he could not say in words: "Adieu, my love". It was the one unspoken secret that they would share. It would be Daphne's most precious gift to Niles. Every tender move would have to be imprinted in his memory, tucked away for a time when he would need it the most. Every kiss, every stroke, every touch, would be safely recorded and stored in his heart. Niles let his eager fingers press gently up against her willing flesh. Muted noises of long-overdue pleasure escaped from Daphne's fervent lips. Their mounting passions took on a rhythmic ecstasy. When they were finally finished, they lay in sweet, sweaty exhaustion together, their naked, glistening forms draped by the soft bed linens. Niles gazed in wonderment at the woman next to him who was the perfect embodiment of his hopes, passions and dreams. He contemplatively reached out and let a strand of her silken hair slip though his fingers. He had never felt so sad and happy at the same time in his entire life. Daphne turned on her side, opened her large, brown eyes and traced his mouth with her finger, slowly, sensuously, lingering on his fleshy bottom lip. Niles let his hand languidly trail down Daphne's bare, smooth back. He obligingly drew her body up close to his. He could feel her heart pounding passionately against his chest. 

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear. "I feel whole again."

Niles simply kissed her forehead and smiled. "So do I, Daphne, so do I."

**********************************************************************

"Niles, when I am gone you've got to promise me that you won't give up."

Daphne purposefully made sure that her voice had a matter-of-fact tone to it. "I want you to find some happiness...without me."

She thought that if she took a straightforward and calm approach, it would be easier on both of them.

She was wrong.

Niles set Daphne's morning toast in front of her, closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "P... please don't make me promise that. I don't know if I could keep it."

He sat down beside Daphne; his hands folded neatly in his lap, looking for all the world like a youngster who was about to be punished unfairly. His eyes took on a saucer shape and Daphne could clearly see his lower lip starting to tremble. She could feel the vibrations from his knees, as they began to shake furiously.

"Oh God!" she thought. "He's not making it easy. Is he purposefully trying to manipulate me? Is he aware of what a powerful effect he has on me? When I see that pitiful look on his face, I just want to hold him close and give him everything he wants. No! I have to be strong! I have to talk about this with him, before it's too late." 

"I don't want to upset you, Niles," she insisted. "But I need you to try and promise me this. I won't be able to go in peace if I don't have your word on this. It really does mean so much to me. I'm... I'm dying Niles.... we both know it. I won't make it through another round -"

"You don't mean that, my love," he frantically interjected. "The full tests haven't come back from the first -" 

She reached out and took his hands in hers and looked into his dark blue eyes. 

"No," she said firmly. "A person knows, Niles. I can feel it."

Niles remained quiet for a bit.

Daphne carefully observed that his eyes started to dart around the room. She suspected that he was hurriedly trying to think of some clever way to sidetrack her away from this dreaded topic. With a look of sudden inspiration, Niles spoke. 

"What's this then - another psychic flash perrrhaaps? Wait! I'll call Madam Zora and get her over here right away. You're probably in the mood for a good old-fashioned séance!" he chided with a raised eyebrow. 

_"So," thought Daphne, "You've decided to take the flippant route to divert me, have you?" _

But Daphne never could resist delivering a snappy comeback when he taunted her about her extrasensory abilities. 

She took the bait and allowed herself to be temporarily distracted.

"Niles Horatio Crane, are you mocking me?"

Daphne smiled smugly as Niles cringed at the sound of her pronouncing his middle name. She knew that neither Martin nor Frasier ever used it. Niles had once confessed to her, in a moment of sentimental weakness that it was Hester who had given him that moniker, declaring to everyone that he was _her_ _little_ _hero_ and that it suited him _just fine!_ Daphne chuckled.

"Stop laughing! I told you about that as a testament of my trust and love, not so you could brandish it in my face every time you want to win an argument, Daphne Olivia Crane," Niles mildly scolded. "That was unfair!" 

Daphne rolled her eyes at his feeble counterattack of mentioning her own little-used middle name. "So was _your_ remark," she tossed back peevishly. 

"And now your toast is cold," he said as he broke off eye contact and hurried to the counter. "I better make you some more. " 

The moment was gone.

Daphne sighed.

"I'll have to try again some day," she thought. "But it will have to be soon... very soon."

**********************************************************************

"I don't know what to do, Roz!" Daphne admitted later that week. "Every time I try to talk about it with him he manages to find a way to throw up another roadblock and we never get anywhere. Next week I have to go back to the hospital for another round of treatment. This may be my last chance!" 

Roz squirmed in her chair. This wasn't exactly an easy topic for her to discuss with her best friend, but she could see that Daphne was almost in a state of despair about it. 

"I... I don't know Daph," she mumbled with embarrassment. "He's your husband. Just sit him down and calmly tell him straight out that it is something that has to be talked about and -"

"Doesn't work, Roz," Daphne interrupted as she shook her head emphatically. "I've tried, a number of times. All he has to do is give me that big-eyed puppy dog look and I feel like I'm Countess Dracula deliberately ripping his heart out for my amusement. That, or he distracts me somehow with a saucy, clever remark and then starts tidying up the house. I always end up feeling like I'm a complete cad taking away the only time he has left with me. I feel so selfish."

She paused. "On the other hand, Roz, I just have to let him know how I feel. Oh God! Roz, help me, if you can!"

Daphne wrung her hands in desperation. Roz reached out and hugged her tightly for a few minutes. Then she leaned back and looked at Daphne with sudden inspiration. 

"Daph, what about writing him a letter?" she suggested. "Tell him everything you want to say. You could give it to Frasier or Martin... or me. We'd make sure he got it. He can't stop you, or give you any argument if you say it in a letter."

"That might be the only way to go," Daphne sighed. "Thanks, Roz. I'll start trying to get some ideas on paper... Oh look at the time! Niles will be back from the pharmacy before too long. I'd better get myself cleaned up. If he comes in and sees me even slightly teary-eyed, he's bound to just be more anxious! He worries so."

"That was nice of him to have your bedroom moved downstairs," Roz said, intentionally changing the subject as she trotted behind Daphne on the way to the powder room. "It looks quite nice. That man really knows how to decorate - I'll say that! I guess there are advantages to marrying a well-off wuss! He must have spent a bundle." 

"That's just the tip of the iceberg," Daphne confessed. "You should see how he's indulged me!" 

"I hope someday I'll have someone who's as devoted to me as Niles is to you," Roz said earnestly, as she applied some powder and a dash of rouge to her own cheeks. "He really does love you, Daph, doesn't he?... Umm, how are you coping with everything that has happened?"

"Well, my family has been a big help, believe it or not," Daphne said with great sincerity. 

Roz gave her a look of incredulity and added, "Oh, _really_?" 

"No really!" insisted Daphne. "O.K., not everybody! But did I tell you that Steven will be here tomorrow?"

Roz shook her head, "Just for a visit?"

"No, actually he has been tested and they found that he was a suitable donor for my bone marrow. I don't have enough cancer-free cells of my own to do the SCT'."

"The what?" Roz interrupted.

"The stem cell transplantation," Daphne explained. "After they harvest Steven's stem cells from his bone marrow, I'll get a blood transfusion and ... well, it's all very drastic, last minute stuff, you know..." Daphne's voice trailed off.

"Oh, it'll be O.K. Daph," reassured Roz and she gave Daphne's hand a little squeeze. "Everything will work out! You'll see!" 

"No, Roz," Daphne said with determination. "I get enough of that from Niles. I have to be a realist and I need you to be one too, for me."

Roz looked down at the bathroom floor. 

"Sorry, Daph. It's just that it isn't easy, but I'll try," she said. She paused, swallowed hard and took her first steps towards being the kind of friend that she knew Daphne really needed. "Soooo, what do they honestly say your chances are, then?"

"Not really good at all," Daphne said starkly. "Less than five per cent, what with the miscarriage, my thyroid problems, the lack of success with the first round of chemo.... the cons list is pretty heavy. And I still have to go through another session of chemo and total body radiation next week. Roz, when I look at all the factors realistically I don't think there's much of a chance that I'm coming out of the hospital this time. That's why talking about this today with you is so important."

Roz gazed at Daphne in the mirror. In spite of all the battering her physical being had taken since she had gotten ill, her friend still glowed with an inner beauty.

"It all seems so overwhelming, Daphne," Roz pondered out loud. "I don't know _where_ you find the strength." 

"Sometimes it helps if I remind myself that I really am lucky," Daphne said thoughtfully as she patted her damp face dry with a towel.

"Lucky!" Roz sputtered. "Lucky! What could be lucky about what you are going through?" 

"I meant _lucky_ in the sense that I have had the complete love of a wonderful, sweet man for as long as I have. Some people, Roz, never find such a blessing - in their whole life! Remember one time I told you that every day with Niles just brings a treasure of new delights? Even with all the misery that this bloody illness has caused, that still holds true."

Daphne turned and looked directly at Roz. "Some days he isn't the easiest man to live with, what with his obsessive behaviours and his insecurities. But Roz, when he's relaxed and we are alone, just the two of us, there is such a feeling of warmth when I'm with him - it's like living inside a hug!"

Roz smiled proudly at Daphne. She had always envied the fact that in spite of all their outward differences, Daphne and Niles' luminous love seemed to truly define who they were as a couple.

Roz bit her lip. She was determined not to ruin her freshly applied makeup, but something was driving her forward to continue asking these questions. Hard as it was for her now, she had to know. She put her arm around Daphne's shoulders.

"Maybe Daphne is *willing* me to ask these things," thought Roz. "It's like she wants to talk to someone about it and she knows I will fulfil that need."

"Don't you feel cheated?" Roz persisted. "I mean, if it wasn't for your... cancer, you'd have so much more time together."

"Well, I won't deny that I would love to have another fifty or sixty years with him!" Daphne said with a sigh. "But that is just not in the works. I have to find all the joy I can in the time that I've already had with him. I can't change the cards that I have been dealt. As two old poker players, you and I both know that. You just have to play it through with what is in the deck."

"You sound like Martin now!" laughed Roz.

"Well we have had quite a few chats lately, so a bit of what he has been saying is bound to rub off!" chortled Daphne. "Seriously, I've found out that we do have things in common. We've had some long phone conversations once Niles is tucked in bed. Martin likes it better that way, rather than face-to-face. It's just easier for him and me to handle it like that." Roz silently nodded that she understood. "Just like me," Daphne continued, "he didn't get a fair shake at life - what with being shot just when he was about to retire. And before that his wife dying. He loved Hester very, very much. That loss was extremely hard on him. A huge part of him just died when she was gone." 

Daphne fell quiet for a moment.

"I know," encouraged Roz. "Both of those things caused Martin to become very bitter about life." 

"He recognizes that, Roz," Daphne persevered. "Martin was rescued by Frasier. All of us did our bit to help, but Frasier was the main one who helped Martin work through his anger. Because of that, he's now come to accept what he can't change and find some level of joy in his life. He's helped me do the same. He's helped me see the bigger picture - what my responsibilities are to those who remain behind when I am gone. 

I want my life to have meant some happiness for the ones I love."

"And Niles?" Roz questioned, knowing they were getting to the heart of it all now.

"It always comes back to Niles, doesn't it?" Daphne said. "He has to find a reason to carry on, like his father finally did after Hester died. For Martin, he found a new relationship with his sons. For Niles well, that's what really worries me so – after I am gone, what will he find? That's why it's so important that he understands that he's part of a bigger picture. It's just very hard for him to see right now because... because he is hurting _so_ much. I hope I can get him to understand."

"I'll help any way that I can," reassured Roz.

"Thanks Roz, that's all that I can ask of a friend. Just talking about it with you here today has helped greatly," Daphne said with a good deal of relief in her voice. "I have a much better idea of what I am going to say to him in that letter now, thanks to our little chat." 

"Well then, I'd better haul my carcass out of here before I say something else and ruin it," Roz said with some sauciness, as she gathered up her things and headed for the door. "My work here is done."

"_But yours is just beginning Daph," whispered Roz to herself, as she closed the heavy, oak door. "Good luck, my dear friend." _

*********************************************************************

A few days later, Daphne returned to the hospital and went into the ICU. When she did, she symbolically gave Niles her locket, the one he had given her on their first anniversary. The gesture was meant to keep his spirits up.

"You keep it darling," she told him at the time she was admitted. "It'll only get tangled up in all those tubes and cords. When my white blood cell count is high enough, I'll be out of here and then I'll put it on again."

But Niles knew even then, in his heart, that she was lying. As Daphne's state worsened, he pushed that truth further and further away from his conscious self. He just kept pretending that she was coming out of the hospital. Both of them did. It was all part of their elaborate coping mechanism to keep him from tumbling over a perilous emotional brink. Yet that figment's usefulness was about to come to an untimely end.

Daphne's condition deteriorated rapidly and by the end of February she was being fed such a concoction of painkillers and antibiotics that she was barely cognizant of what was happening around her. Niles never left her bedside. The attending nurses were astounded how little he slept or ate. He held her hand continually during the whole ordeal, never minding the fact that she wasn't able to respond to him. 

Niles was alone with her when she finally was released from her struggle. He was sitting vigil, Daphne's fingers entwined in his as usual, when he drifted off, succumbing to sheer exhaustion. Only a few short moments later, an abrupt alarm sounded from one of the monitors that Daphne was hooked up to. Niles' eyes snapped wide open and his body lurched upright in shock. He didn't resist when a nurse guided him off to the side of the bed, while the medical team went through their routines. The look on his face was one of a little boy lost in a department store, mostly a mixture of bewilderment and dread. Within a few minutes the doctor shut off several of the machines and sat Niles back down in his chair. Numbness took hold of his entire body. There was a rushing sound in his ears. For a brief moment Niles thought he was going to pass out, but he managed to steady himself by holding onto the railing on the side of the bed. 

It all began to feel like some grotesque dream that he couldn't wake up from. Someone had pulled a sheet over Daphne's face. Niles wondered how she could breathe through the covering. 

_"Why would they do that to her?" he thought. _

He wanted to lift the sheet off, but he found he couldn't move his arms. His limbs seemed to be paralyzed.

Niles couldn't make out what the man in front of him was saying, but it seemed like the physician was offering his condolences and trying to comfort him. That puzzled him further. Niles shook his head in disbelief. 

_"Daphne can't be dead," he silently reasoned. "She would never abandon me like this. No, this just can't be true. It can't be over. The doctor is wrong. If I go back to sleep, then everything will be back to the way it was, when I wake up. Then, even if Daphne is ill, there will still be some hope for a miracle."_

Without saying a word, Niles reached out and grasped Daphne's limp hand from under the stiff, white linen, laid his head on the unyielding hospital mattress and closed his eyes. 

As he drifted off, in the far distance Niles thought he could hear a detached voice heavily laced with sympathy utter, "It's over now, I think he knows that it is finally over."

Although the sentiments were sincere, it couldn't have been further from the truth. Niles' anguish had really just begun.

*********************************************************************

Within a short while Martin and Frasier arrived at the hospital and rescued Niles from his macabre slumber. At first, when he was roused, he was still convinced that Daphne hadn't died, but as the trauma wore off, the reality of her passing hit him hard. No longer could he touch her hand and whisper in her ear. There would be no more chances to stroke her brow and kiss her forehead. Now, there was nothing. An empty bed. A deserted room. The hope for a miracle had ended. 

Niles was thankful when Frasier came and stayed with him at the Montana for the days before the interment. He needed to have another person around the house to talk to during those dreary, sad days.

It wasn't a panacea for all his vexations, by any means, but it was better than being alone. At least there was someone there to guide him back to bed, when he was found wandering around the apartment during the night, relentlessly calling out Daphne's name in his sleep. Niles always went through a little routine the next morning, apologizing sheepishly for disturbing his brother's rest, but he knew Frasier understood and wasn't upset. Frasier also assisted him in making the numerous arrangements for the funeral. Taking care of those details seemed to further ease Niles into the realization that Daphne was not physically around any more. 

It would take _much _longer for him to mentally accept the finality of the situation.

*****************************************************************

"The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, 

and saves the crushed in spirit...." 

Niles was vaguely aware of the words that the Episcopalian priest was saying as the funeral for Daphne began. Someone had noted earlier to him that the turnout was really quite large. The rest of Daphne's entire family had flown over, except Michael and his wife, who were expecting a baby so soon that it had been deemed too risky to fly. They all gathered in Seattle and joined Steven after the unsuccessful attempt at the stem cell transplantation. Simon was on his best behaviour. For all his past boorish carrying on, he really did miss his Stilts. Daphne's Uncle Jackie came up from San Francisco, as well as all of her friends from the Fox and Whistle. Even Donny Douglas and his wife Nancy were in attendance. Daphne had specifically requested that they be invited.

"That's so typical of Daphne," thought Niles as he grimly stared at the polished oak coffin. "She was always so inclusive, so generous of herself, so...." 

"The lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away..." 

The priest's voice droned on. Niles drifted in and out of the harsh reality that spread out before him. Sometimes he caught a word or two, sometimes an entire phrase, before his mind slipped back into the darkness of the emotional abyss that enclosed him. While this stupor threatened at times to suffocate him, it also, strangely enough, was what seemed to shield him from being overwhelmed by his wretchedness. 

Outwardly he appeared almost stoic, passively devoid of any power to react to what was happening around him. He stood as straight-backed as a mannequin at her graveside, his arms held stiffly by his side, fingers clenched into a tight ball. His pallid complexion contrasted starkly with the dark, rich material of his suit. His lips stretched into a taut line across his face. Niles wore pitch-black shades to enshroud his eyes. No one was going to be allowed to glimpse into his soul on this day. That would be too much of a journey into his heart of darkness. The only movement he made was when the coffin was lowered into the ground.

"...earth to earth,   
ashes to ashes,   
dust to dust.   
The Lord bless her   
and keep her,   
the Lord be kind and gracious to her,   
the Lord look upon her with favour   
and give her peace...."

Niles wavered for just a moment, teetering ever so slightly. A barely audible sound escaped from his lips, as the casket ended its downward journey with soft thud.

"No!" he murmured, as the earth swallowed her up.

Niles could feel Frasier's concerned gaze burrowing into him. With a tiny spasmodic jerk, he starched his back with resolve and regained control. 

"Lord, have mercy upon us..."

He could distinctly hear Frasier as he whispered "Have mercy on Niles," under his breath. The oppressive air was heavy with palpable pity.

" Grant each of us the comfort of Your spirit..."

It was a plea for some type of divine truth to relieve the sadness that had invaded their lives. 

  
".... The peace of God, 

which surpasses all understanding, 

will guard your hearts and our minds..."

And within a few minutes it was over. The benediction having been said, the crowd began to disperse and head back to their cars. Niles remained motionless his eyes transfixed on the freshly turned earth just beyond his feet. Frasier and Martin, who flanked him on both sides, reached out simultaneously to prod him into action. 

"Come on, son," Martin said benevolently. "Time to go, Niles."

Niles could hear his father's voice, but his focus remained riveted on Daphne's new, inhospitable berth. 

"No," Niles uttered. "I can't do this... I can't leave her like this!"

The strength of will that had served him so well during the funeral started to crumble. Niles felt the chaos beginning to overtake him.

"Niles," Frasier reminded him. "You have to. We all do." Even though Niles knew his brother was trying to reach out to him, he couldn't respond.

"Frasier," said Martin quietly. "Give us a minute, all right?" 

Niles' eyes shifted to meet his father's weary look. He knew in his heart that this wasn't easy on any of them. 

"Roz is over there," Martin continued with a nod. "Go see what she wants. It'll be O.K., really."

Frasier turned around and saw Roz anxiously standing off at about fifteen feet. He slowly let go of Niles' arm, entrusting him to the capable care of his father. Within minutes Frasier and Roz had disappeared over a small knoll together, leaving Niles alone with his dad.

Niles felt his father's strong arm slip around his shoulders. 

"I went through this when your mother died. I know how you are hurting," he said, kindly patting Niles' arm. "I know it doesn't seem like it will ever stop, but it will get better. Trust me. Let's go son." 

"I can't, Dad!" Niles blurted the words out, nearly choking as he spoke. "I can't even move my legs. I w...want to, I... I know I have to, I know I have duties to perform... b... but I c can't!" He sagged against the frame of his crippled father, his body convulsing as he surrendered to the overwhelming sorrow. Martin tightened his grip on Niles with his free arm, while he waited for the tears to abate. 

"Take it easy, son. Just do it one step at a time." Niles felt Martin's hand take hold of his palm firmly. "I'll help you. We'll do this together."

Martin's soothing voice calmed him down considerably. After a few moments, when Niles had regained his composure to some degree and was breathing more evenly, Martin turned the two of them carefully around. Leaning heavily on his cane, at a deliberately slow but steady pace, Martin gradually guided Niles away from the grave. 

"That's it, Niles," Martin continued to talk to his son in a comforting manner. "One step at a time. Take a deep breath.... thaaat's it. Niles, you know you don't have to do everything all at once. No one expects that. Just try to handle one or two little things and focus on those successes. Like getting to the car. You can do that, right?"

Niles couldn't manage to answer in words, but did nod his head in agreement. 

"That's right, just keep breathing," Martin's tranquil voice floated out in front of them as they walked. Niles could feel his father's words begin to quell the fears that threatened to take hold of his troubled soul. "Once we get to the car, you can relax and then we'll handle the next step. You got that locket she gave you in the hospital?" 

Again, Niles' head silently bobbed in affirmation. With each word of encouragement from his father, things seemed a bit easier. "Good! Just put it in your hand and hang onto it - all night, if you have to." 

Niles followed his instructions without fail. "Just hang on to it, Niles. It can be your lifeline for a while until you get back on solid ground. Let's keep walking. You're doing fine...." 

It was going to be a very long evening. And an even longer time before Niles found the _terra firma_ that he so desperately needed.

**********************************************************************

Frasier delivered Daphne's letter to Niles when they arrived back at the Montana for the post-funeral reception. He ushered him into the bedroom that Niles had converted for Daphne and closed the door. Without a word he handed the unmarked, vellum envelope to his brother. Niles took it between his fingers, paused for a brief moment and then held it up to his nose.

"_Daphne_," Niles whispered, with almost a trance-like quality to his voice. "This is from Daphne."

"She wanted you to have it," Frasier said. "She thought it was important that you read it. Please read it soon, Niles." 

An awkward silence ensued. Niles just stood by the bed holding the envelope up against his cheek. He wearily closed his eyes.

"Do you want me to stay with you or leave?" Frasier finally asked.

"W...what?" stuttered Niles, as if he had been interrupted from a dream. "Oh!... Well, I think it would be best if you got back out there and mingled with the guests. That is the _proper_ thing to do."

It was the calm formality in this request that alarmed Frasier.

"Typical Niles. Just another example of his repressed feelings," thought Frasier. "He's so afraid to show anything of what he is going through. This isn't healthy. He's walking through this like a zombie!" 

"All right," Frasier said out loud, a bit too curtly. "If that's what you want. Remember Niles, we are all here for you, if you need us."

With that clipped homily finished, Frasier turned to leave, pausing for a moment as he opened the bedroom door. The subdued sounds of the people gathered in the front room drifted in.

"Niles?" Frasier said in another vain attempt to reach out to him. 

There was no response. 

Frasier gave one look back at his brother standing rigidly next to the bed, exhaled a frustrated puff of air and walked out. He closed the door behind himself and left Niles alone.

*******************************************************************

Niles tucked the unopened letter into his breast pocket and sank down on the bed. He just couldn't look at it. He felt too drained. Like some kind of a morbid ritual, he pulled on the dresser drawer handle and carefully coaxed his treasured folder of all the hospital correspondence on Daphne out of its hiding place. This practice was rapidly becoming a way for Niles to jumpstart his soul. Seeing it all written out in black and white, in such harsh, impersonal, analytical language, sometimes helped jolt him back into a state of emotional awareness. 

"A resurgence of the leukemia occurred shortly after the second session of radiation and chemotherapy," the final report read. "As well, the patient's immune system was compromised by the therapy treatment and an infection began aggressively attacking her lungs and liver within the crucial first week time frame. With her white blood cell count being at only 300, the infection spread rapidly and eventually induced heart and lung failure resulting in death." 

Niles drew in a sharp breath as he read that final word. He knew when he felt the stabbing pain inside him that it was at least _real_, and it was better than feeling nothing at all. At least these tortuous sensations that told him he was alive. And knowing that Daphne wasn't in agony any longer, was his only comfort.

Niles existed on that despair, day after endless day. Like a junkie with a growing habit, he couldn't break away from it. And like any addiction, the amount of heartache that he needed to subsist on increased as time went by. It was consuming him, destroying the very essence of who he was. He needed _something_ to hold onto, or least _something_ to help him find some respite. But what? Nothing that his friends or family did seemed to give him any lasting peace of mind. Life had become meaningless for him. 

He had even contemplated suicide at one point. He went so far as to gather the appropriately potent concoctions about three weeks after Daphne's funeral and line up the bottles in a neat row on the kitchen table. It was only his obsessive imaginings of the inherent messiness of the whole situation that had finally eliminated _that_ option from his mind.

In a last desperate attempt to stave off this emotional free-fall that he found himself in, Niles finally grasped onto a lifeline that he had unwittingly held in his possession ever since Daphne had died. He decided that it was time that he read Daphne's letter.

*********************************************************************

It happened the evening that Frasier had left the Montana in frustration. As Frasier stood in front of him, pleading with him to seek some help and return to the family fold, Niles suddenly realised that there was only one person who could truly help him - Daphne. Even though she was gone, she had left him an offering of her last thoughts. Maybe she had the answer? Niles knew he wasn't being honest with Frasier, when he hurriedly agreed with his brother and ushered him out, but at that moment, Niles would have said _anything_ to get him to stop talking. Niles needed some solitude. He needed to be alone with Daphne.

After closing the door, Niles stumbled over to the fainting couch and sat for a while, trying to summon up the mettle he needed to make this last bid for sanity. To steady his nerves he poured himself a couple of fingers of brandy. One gulp and the fiery liquid was swallowed. The sound of the mantle clock ticking was the only noise in the room. Niles listened to it count off the minutes while he waited for his liquid courage to take hold. Everything seemed so jumbled and fragmented in his mind, as he vacillated between the rationality he knew as a trained psychiatrist and the fragility he felt as a man who had lost all hope for happiness. 

Niles served himself another hefty portion of liquor and downed it in one continuous motion. He searched out Daphne's letter, holding it gingerly in his hands, as he returned to the sofa. 

_"This is it," he thought. "It is either my deliverance or my damnation."_

Once more Niles filled his glass and quaffed the contents quickly. He felt a buzzing sensation in his head.

His tremulous hands held the envelope for a moment, as he ran his finger along the sharp edge of the creamy, white parchment. Was he really ready for the truth that she was about to present to him? These were her final words to him. They _had_ to hold some special significance, didn't they? What if it didn't contain the answers he needed to free himself from the vexatious trap he was in? What then? A reconsideration of that unseemly and _untidy _alternative? His heart was palpitating wildly, as if it were trying to escape from its confined space. He tried to stay focused on the envelope in front of him, but it seemed like he was viewing everything from the wrong end of the binoculars. The room began to reel as the darkness closed in on him.... 

Suddenly he heard Daphne's voice.

"Niles," she said clearly. "Niles, dearest, it isn't as bad as you think." 

Niles looked up and saw her standing directly in front of him.

"Daphne," he cried. " I miss you so much! I don't know if I can go on like this." 

She sat down on the edge of the couch and embraced him. When she kissed the top of his head he could feel the wetness of her lips and the fragrance of her perfume. Overcome, he simply remained motionless, weeping. His body quaked as he sobbed in the comfort of her arms.

"Oh, my dear," she sweetly said. "I just want you to know that I understand your grief, but you have to go on, Niles. If you don't, then I've failed." 

"Failed?" he inquired. "Failed at what?" 

"Niles," she said as she raised his head up slightly, so that their eyes met. She cupped his tear-stained face in her hands. "You have so much to offer. Find some happiness, a purpose - a reason to live. You're not alone in this world. You have your family - Martin and Frasier can help you through this. You have Roz - she really does care about you. And you will always have me." She reached out and touched his chest, her warm hand pressing against his dampened shirt, "I'll always be here for you, tucked away in your heart. But if you don't find something here on earth to bring you joy, how can I be happy? I want you to promise me that you will try, Niles. If you are suffering, then I will suffer. If you are hurting, then I will feel the pain. Do you understand, dear?" 

"I think so," he whispered. "I will try my best. But Daphne what should I do, where will I find my happiness?"

"Just trust yourself, my dear," Daphne answered. "If you can't find what you are looking for in Seattle, then maybe the answer lies elsewhere. Just don't lose contact with your family and friends. They need you just as much as you need them."

Niles acceded to her request with a nod of his head. 

"I have to go Niles," she said as she rose slowly and stood beside him.

"Already?" his voice rising in a decidedly panicky tone. He didn't feel like all his aprehensions had been addressed. He felt like this was only the proverbial finger in the dyke of his burdens. Still it was a start and that was important. "Please stay longer I'll do anything you say, if you'll only stay with me!"

"I will **always** be with you, Niles," she reassured him earnestly. "Even though you can't always see me, I'm only a heartbeat away." 

"But it hurts so Daphne," he said lowering his voice. "It's hard to remain behind here without you."

"I know darling, but I have to go," she reminded him. "Goodbye, sweetie."

He closed his eyes for a fleeting moment.

When he opened them up again she was gone.... 

****************************************************************************

The morning sun flooded the apartment with hope and light. Niles woke with a start. Daphne's letter lay on the cushion beside him, the pages strewn out in a fan shape. The spilt brandy glass lay in a puddle of its own contents on the floor. He carefully gathered the sheets up and neatly folded them back into the envelope. As he cleaned up the sticky remnants of the drink from the carpet, Niles sniffed the air hopefully for a familiar scent. Was that a hint of cherries he smelt?

After drinking a generous amount of water to quench his hangover thirst, Niles suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to cleanse himself. He climbed the stairs to his old bathroom. It was comfortable and familiar. He hadn't been in this part of the apartment in nearly four months. He felt like he was returning home after a very long, arduous journey. As the steamy water of the shower washed over him, it seemed to strip away the unfathomable confusion that had taken over his life recently. Spurred on by Daphne's reassuring words, Niles began to sort through his feelings and devise a plan to help himself. By the time he had finished bathing, he felt a bit more lucid. One particular thing she had said kept rumbling around in his head – he needed a goal, a purpose, a new direction in his life. That was the key – it was what would bring him back into the world. He was determined to make sure to give it his best effort. He would do it for Daphne. He picked up the phone and dialed. 

"Frasier," he cleared his throat. "I want to apologize for the way I treated you yesterday. In fact, I want to apologize for the way I have treated you for the last few months. I hope you will understand and forgive me. I'd like to come over and discuss something with you and Dad this morning. I've come to a decision and I want you to know what I plan to do. I'll explain further when I see you. Ten o'clock all right? Fine, see you then.... and Frasier – thanks thanks for everything." 

At least the wheels of his life were finally in motion... 

End of Part Two (to be continued)


	3. Chapt. 3 Hide 'n Seek

****

At the Heart of It All 

by Val McCaffery

Chapt. 3: Hide 'n' Seek

"You're moving to _Bellingham_?" Frasier shouted. "Niles, are you out of your _mind_?!?" 

"No need to get so _snippy_!" Niles retorted. "You moved all the way across the continent at one time, _if _I recall and no one questioned _your_ sanity!" 

Martin just sat silently in his chair absorbing everything going on around him. As usual, his eldest son was slashing his way through the verbal undergrowth of whatever situational jungle he found himself in with all the grace of a machete-wielding maniac. Martin preferred to coolly observe events from a distant vantagepoint, gleaning invaluable information from many different angles and then dispensing his sage judgements when people actually _asked_ him for his advice. He never played his hand too soon. That was just his way. 

__

"And Frasier's way is to expose every raw feeling of his, as if life was his personal confessional box," Martin pondered. "All under the guise of trying to supposedly clear the air." 

"Have you reasoned this through at all?" Frasier bellowed at his brother. "What will you do? Set up a new practice? What about your patients here? Are you just going to abandon them?" 

The questions sounded like a round of bullets from a Gatling machine gun. Frasier moved in for the kill. Drawing himself up to his full height, he tried to physically intimidate Niles by towering over him and staring him down coldly. 

"I know I still have to work out a lot of _details_, " Niles indignantly replied with a terrier-like tenacity. "But as you pointed out to me not long ago, Dr. Berringer is already well established with my patients. I… I was thinking of handing my practice over to him permanently."

"And then what? Just what sort of _job _will you be employed at, _Niles_?" a derisive tone slid over Frasier's shoulder, as he turned towards the glass dining room table and poured himself a cup of coffee. 

Martin shook his head.

"This could get nasty," he said to himself.

"I was thinking of... of teaching, if you must know," Niles announced with an equal measure of cautiousness and defiance. 

Martin eyeballed his youngest son. He could plainly see Niles' chest beginning to heave unevenly under his impeccably tailored suit, as he tried to prepare himself for the inescapable onslaught of protest from his brother.

"_Teach_?" Frasier remained with his back to Niles. He took a sip of the coffee from his cup. There was an undeniable element of ridicule in his voice. "_Youuu_? _Teeeach_?" 

__

"Come on Niles," coaxed Martin silently. "Stand up to Fraz. Show some spunk!" 

"Yes," Niles defensively answered in rebuke, his hands clenched stiffly by his sides. "_Me_! _Teach_! There happens to be a _very_ respectable college in Bellingham. And I _do_ have lots of qualifications, you know! _Plenty _of qualifications! So there!" He finished the verbal flourish with a slight bounce on the balls of his feet as he leaned forward for emphasis. 

__

"Atta boy! Way to put him in his place!" Martin gave a muted cheer and smiled.

He liked the fact that he saw certain elements of Niles' naturally sparky personality coming to life again. Not quite back in _top_ form, but there was a _trace_ of the old Niles beginning to emerge. Maybe Frasier was doing this on purpose? A "faux-fight" to draw his brother out of his emotional shell? 

"Nah!" thought Martin. "Frasier isn't **that** clever. Probably just dumb luck!" 

But then, surprisingly, just as quickly as Niles' bravado came rushing forth it unexpectedly collapsed. 

"You could at least be _somewhat_ supportive," he sulked suddenly, as he plopped down on the sofa, his head sinking into his hands. "I'd like to think that if the situation was reversed, I'd be there for you. You could at _least_ do the same for me now." 

__

"I knew he couldn't keep it up for too long," mused Martin. "But it was sure sweet while it lasted!" 

Frasier spun around ready to attack further. When he beheld the pitiful site of Niles slouched on the couch in full whine mode his filial sensibilities quickly rose to the surface. He rushed to his brother's side and put a big, beefy arm around his shoulders. Martin observed this little dramatic tableau with continued interest. It slowly began to dawn on him that Niles had his own way of navigating through a Frasier argument barrage.

__

"Way to go, Niles! Hit him at his weakest point! Get his sympathy! Wait… wait… here comes the inevitable *forgiveness* hug." Their father gave a soft chuckle and shook his head. "Ah jeez, I could set this to music and dance to it!"

"Oh, Niles, I'm sorry," Frasier said with more than just a little twinge of guilt. The predicted brotherly embrace followed immediately. "I didn't mean to make you think that I wouldn't be there for you. I'm just worried, that's all. Don't you think it's just a bit rash leaving Seattle at this point in your life?"

"Frasier, I'm sorry too if I've given you any reason to be distressed, but remember you were the one who told me that I had to commence with some type of healing. You said that I had to stop just sitting around the Montana and obsessing about... thinking about D... Daphne." Niles faltered a bit, but kept on going. Although Martin managed to retain his stoic exterior, he felt an unexpected pang of empathy for his younger son. He knew from hard personal experience, it wasn't easy talking to others about this sort of grief. "Last night... well, she helped... when I read… it's just that, I..." Niles took a gulp of air, " …I finally decided that the best way to get myself back on track was to get a fresh start! After I spoke to you on the phone today, I called the condo board and told them I would be moving out of my place when my lease was up by the end of the summer."

The last few words were said in a rush. Frasier's mouth dropped open.

"So soon?" he asked with consternation. "That gives you only about two months. What's the hurry?" 

"Because I want to, that all," justified Niles. "I can't give you any better reason right now than that. You'll just have to accept that as an answer. Besides, stop acting like Bellingham is that far away. It's only about an hour and a half drive at the most. I'll probably see you just about as much as I do now. Isn't that right, Dad?"

"But, Dad, don't you think that this is _too _much of a change?" Frasier implored. "Don't you think he should wait a while before disrupting my… our… I mean, _his_ life so much?"

His two sons looked over at Martin simultaneously, _both_ expecting his seal of approval on their very divergent views.

"Ahhh!" thought Martin. "Here's where I get to contribute! King Solomon Crane to the rescue!" 

"Fraz, I know you have your brother's best interest at heart and we all appreciate your concern for him, but Niles is right on this one," Martin held his hand up in a stopping motion to end Frasier's counter arguments before they began. Frasier's gapping mouth closed shut at his father's unspoken command. "Bellingham _isn't_ that far away. It'll give us a good excuse to get out of the city more often. It's north of Seattle, isn't it Niles?"

The look on Niles' face wasn't exactly triumphal, but Martin _could _have classified it as being just a _bit_ smug. His whole disposition perked up at the sound of Martin's morale-bolstering words. 

"Yes, Dad, right on the coast. The college is called Western Washington University. They have a very good Grad School there. I was thinking of teaching something like counseling or psychotherapy. I've already made some initial inquiries this morning and there just happens to be a rather sudden opening because of an illness of one of the faculty members…"

Now it was Frasier's turn to glower on the sofa, while Niles began to chatter on with growing enthusiasm. Martin just nodded his head and listened intently to his younger son's future plans. 

__

"This is good for him," he contemplated, as Niles prattled on. "It's the first time I've heard some life in his voice since Daphne took ill. God! I miss her! I gotta think that Niles is missing her at least ten times that much. Yeah, Frasier's probably right. Niles might be running away from his pain by leaving Seattle, but maybe that's what he needs at this point in time."

"That's great, Niles. Sounds like you have lots to do in the next little while, son."

"Yes I do, Dad and that reminds me - I should be going. I have already faxed my c.v. to the university and expect to hear back shortly, if I make the first cull. I am going up to Bellingham this week, to have a look around at the campus - you know, just to familiarize myself with the surrounding area to be prepared. A colleague of mine once taught for a brief stint in the psychology department at the university and has offered to show me around town. He mentioned that he had once heard some professors discussing an article I wrote a few years ago on introversion and extroversion in siblings. So the name 'Niles Crane' may not be altogether unfamiliar to the folks at Western Washington University!"

Niles' head tilted back in pride. There was a definite hint of self-satisfaction in his demeanor.

"Well just remember, you haven't got that job yet!" Frasier scowled. If you go getting too excited and you don't get hired, then it will be quite a disappointment."

Niles' eyebrows arched at that comment. He glanced over at Frasier.

"Yes, well, I'd better be off before "Mister Merry Sunshine" spreads any more pixie dust around. Hopefully I'll hear back from the applicant selection committee very soon. Dad, Frasier – maybe by the fall you'll be addressing me as "Professor Crane"! "

And with that he picked up his coat and made his retreat before Frasier could say anything else.

****

Bang! As soon as the door shut Frasier exploded.

__

"Dad!" Frasier barked. "Do you really think it was _wise_ agreeing with him like that!" 

"Now, Frasier, wait a minute," interjected Martin. "Just stop and think. You know as well as I do that the last time we saw him so eager about – well, about _anything_, was before Daphne got sick. I just want the poor kid to have something to light a fire in his eyes again. If planning this kind of thing is going to do it, then let's give him our support."

"Dad, I still think he is hiding from his feelings rather than facing them head on. The best course of action would be for him to see a therapist. Then he can get the help he needs, instead of remaining in denial and going off on a wild goose chase like this. If he doesn't get the job, which I think is a distinct possibility, he might just fall apart totally this time! And who do you think will have the _oh-so_ _pleasant_ job of picking up the pieces of his shattered psyche?"

Martin looked up at Frasier through the top part of his glasses, "Well, let me see," he said with a tone that was meant to bring Frasier down a peg or two. "I'm not _entirely_ sure, but I'd guess _all_ the members of his loving family?"

"_All right, Dad_!" Frasier huffed. "Point taken! You know what I meant! O.k., o.k. w_e'd both_ be back to square one with him, only this time he just might not be able to pull out of that kind of psychological tailspin! I can't in good conscience, both as a psychiatrist _and _a brother, support him taking such an enormous risk. Too much is at stake! For God's sake, Dad, it's Niles we're talking about! I care about him too much to sit by and see him be destroyed!"

Frasier turned his face away from Martin, but his father didn't need to see his features to know that he was overcome by the intense feelings of devotion that he had for his little brother. Martin rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat.

"I know, Fraz," he quietly said. "I love him too."

Frasier slowly pivoted around until his gaze met his father's. 

"But," Martin added, "it sounds to me that you are assuming that he won't get the teaching job. If he gets it, that couldn't be bad, could it? He'd have to feel pretty good about himself then, right?"

"I don't think there is much of a chance of that happening," Frasier reminded him. "It sounds like a fairly big long shot."

"Well, I don't know 'bout that," Martin said. "But long shot or not, what if he _does_ do it?"

"All _right_, Dad," Frasier acquiesced. "Let's say, for the sake of argument, that he _actually_ succeeds at this. What then?" Martin started to open his mouth, but Frasier just charged ahead with his thesis. "Well, I'll tell you – I think that would be just about as dangerous. I don't think he is ready to deal with any more major changes in his life, at this point. Moving to an unfamiliar city and tackling a brand new career would just create more stress on him, not less. It just makes sense to eliminate stress, not increase it."

Martin shook his head. "That may make sense to you but it doesn't mean that's the only answer. Staying put and seeing a shrink would be your way of handling things, but you're _not_ your brother and you haven't gone through what he has. Niles reacts to things _very_ differently than you sometimes. I think he needs a goal to work towards, a new challenge to get him out of his rut. You know as well as I do, that he was going down the tubes anyway and there didn't seem to be anything or anyone able to help him. We all tried, but nothing was working. And besides, you can't force him to see someone if he doesn't want to! At least with the idea of moving to Bellingham he's doing something constructive for himself. If he doesn't get the job, we'll deal with that when it comes up. You don't know for sure that he'll be worse off than before. Time is one of the things that heals this kind of wound. I know, trust me. While he is so happily planning for this move, time is ticking away. Even if it doesn't work out, he may realize that he still has to get on with his life in the end. And this may be his way of making that adjustment. It's just not _your_ way that's all. You can't solve _his_ problems with _your _solutions."

"The passage of time could help him accept his circumstances, I suppose, but I still say that even if he gets the job it's not ideal. What if he runs into a dilemma that overwhelms him? What if – " Frasier protested.

Martin cut him off.

"Well, if he gets the job, then we will just have to visit often enough to keep an eye on him, won't we?" Martin prudently counseled. "He couldn't have a better person on his team than you, in that regard. You're a shrink. You'll be able to tell when he's in trouble in that department. I know you care, but he has to do this _his_ way. Having those types of big changes doesn't always have to have a negative impact on a person. I mean, it was an effort, at first, for me to move in with you after your mother died and I got shot, but that worked out all right, didn't it?"

Frasier sat down on the couch with a decided "oomph"! He wasn't quite ready yet to _completely_ surrender, but Martin noted that there was far less animation in his argument.

"Yes, I guess you're right, Dad. That was a big change in both of our lives, but we adjusted eventually."

"I mean, I wasn't the easiest person to live with back then." 

"Well, the important thing is that we learned to respect each other's differences, right Dad?"

"And God knows, you weren't a picnic to live with either!"

"Yes, Dad. I get your point!"

"What with your fussiness and always making a big "to-do" about things."

"All right, _Dad_!"

"You always have to have everything your way… "

"_Eeenough!_"

Martin pursed his lips, glared at Frasier and then refocused. "Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is, that it was a big change for both of us and we were under additional stresses too, at that time, but the change did us some good. The same could be true for Niles. No need to cut the legs out from under him before he even gets started. At least he is trying to find a solution."

"Well, when you put it that way," Frasier said thoughtfully, "I guess it _is_ an improvement to what he has been doing in the past month. He _does_ seem to be in better spirits."

"Great! Glad we got that settled. Now where did that dog of mine go? I gotta take him for a walk! _Eddie_!"

As Martin wandered off in search of his four-legged pal, he could hear Frasier in the distance pick up the phone and furiously punch in some numbers. 

"Hello, Roz? You'll never guess what Niles just told me… "

"Dinner is on me tonight!" Niles crowed, as he strode through the doorway of Frasier's apartment several weeks later. "We'll celebrate by going to Le Cigare Volant. Oh - and Dad, don't forget you have to _wear _a tie, not just bring one in your pocket."

"I take it all went well then?" Martin knowingly asked with a grin. He had to admit Niles' excitement _was_ contagious. 

__

"When either one of those guys are happy about something, they're like little kids with a shiny, new toy!" he observed.

"You might say that," Niles said fairly bursting with zealous delight. "All the signs are _very _positive. I just got the letter today telling me that I have been short-listed! They want to meet with me for an interview! They will let me know in a few weeks exactly when to come to Bellingham to see the hiring panel. I think what did the trick was the large of a number of published articles that I listed, especially the ones in the American Journal of Psychiatry. But enough about that right now! I'm famished and you two aren't even presentable! Come on Frasier, _dépêchez-le vers le haut_! We have to leave fairly soon, if we are going to make it to the restaurant on time, what with all the cross-town traffic at this hour! I'll drive. Chop, chop, Dad! Let's go!"

Niles could barely contain himself on the way to Le Cigare Volant. Martin couldn't help but notice that Frasier was uncharacteristically quiet in the back seat of the Mercedes as they drove through the busy streets. He didn't say very much, other than the odd "Yeah, I guess so" or "Riiiight" and even then, only when he was asked a direct question. Martin kept casting an occasional look at Niles to see if he noticed Frasier's dark mood, but he was completely unaware of the gathering storm buckled in behind him, as he chattered on about the up coming interview. 

By the time they got to the restaurant and the meal was underway, Martin, sensing the impending tempest, had made a couple of valiant efforts to steer the conversation in other directions, but Niles had met all his attempts with oblivious disregard. 

"_Really Dad_!" Niles scoffed. "Could you _be_ any more self-absorbed! I'm sure you think that clipping your toenails is an event of gargantuan proportions, but there _are_ more important things happening! Now, where was I? Oh yes, I was explaining to you the makeup of the psychology department at WWU…" 

Martin rolled his eyes.

__

"I give up!" he thought. "You're on your own, buddy!"

And then, as if he could sense that Martin had deserted Niles' side, Frasier struck.

"What about your dearth of teaching experience at the college level?" he interrupted. "How will that _blemish_ look on your résumé, Niles?"

Niles' eyes narrowed at the word "blemish", but it still would take more than that broadside to bring him down from his euphoric perch. 

"Well, I'm not sure it is a _blemish_," he assured Frasier. "I have a very respected reputation in my field. My research credentials are impeccable.

I have a feeling that they were particularly impressed with that! And besides, I can always make sure that I mention that my fellowship at Cambridge involved a lot of teaching of undergrads, if that is brought up. I made it clear on my résumé that I was a seasoned veteran at lecturing to a wide range of audiences and I had _many_ seminars and specialist workshops also under my professional belt." 

"And you think that type of BS will get you through?" Frasier commented dryly. 

Niles' eyebrow did an acrobatic summersault, but he managed to remain outwardly composed for the most part.

"Well, I know it was years ago, but they don't really seem that concerned about that aspect." Niles conceded. "Like I said, they are much more interested in someone who can initiate research and get published."

"_Indeed_!" was Frasier's only response.

"But that's all right really," Niles continued. "I always enjoyed the scholastic side of things and research is nothing that I can't handle."

Martin thought he could hear Frasier muttering under his breath something that sounded like, "What an _ego_!" 

Niles looked up from his plate, "Sorry, I didn't catch that, Frasier. What did you say?" There was a hint of suspicion in his tone of voice. Martin shot a warning look at Frasier.

__

"Go easy on him, Fraz," Martin signaled with his eyes. "Remember our little talk."

"I said," as Frasier paused for a fraction of a second, "_Way to go, Niles_! By the by, just when will you hear if you succeed in getting to the next level?" 

"I should know by the end of the month," Niles revealed, his voice again rising in anticipation at the prospect of being victorious. "I know it usually take a lot longer than that for one of these university level job searches, but the vacancy was rather sudden and it is a bit of an emergency filling really. If that goes well, then I can begin hunting for a place to live by the end of the summer."

Frasier's mouth noticeably tightened. He looked like he had been slapped in the face. 

"Frasier, why don't you plan on going with Niles up to Bellingham to help him," Martin interposed. "He probably could use the company and you guys have such similar tastes and everything."

"Oh, I don't know, Dad," Frasier said with a nuance of irritation. "Niles seems to have this already planned out so _thoroughly_. He doesn't particularly seem to _need_ any help from me."

Niles' nose wrinkled up, as if he had tasted a bad clam. 

Martin's gaze shifted back and forth between his two sons. The moment seemed to last for an interminable length of time. 

__

"Come on Niles," Martin urged introspectively. "Cut your brother a little slack and give him something to hang onto." 

"Frasier, I'd love to have you come along," Niles said at last. " You know how I trust and respect your judgement. Just so long, as you understand that is a place for _me_ to live, _not_ you. It has to satisfy _my_ needs and requirements." 

__

"Good boy, Niles!" judged Martin. "Just the right amount of encouragement, but tempered with a conditional warning to set things straight right from the get-go. Masterfully done, son."

"Well, of course, Niles," Frasier replied haughtily. "_Whatever_ you say! I wouldn't have it any _other_ way."

__

"Nice touch, Fraz!" thought Martin with amusement. "You agree with him and at the same time, you put him in his place. This is like watching a boxing match with two pro heavyweights "duking" it out! Well, maybe the comparison doesn't work exactly, but… a guy can dream. Things seem to have settled down somewhat for now, although I get the feeling that we haven't seen the end of this yet. I guess this is where should I come in...." 

"All right boys, how 'bout if we just order some coffee and… Hey, is that the dessert tray?"

After two solid days of constant downpour, Niles embraced the early morning sunlight as a welcome reprieve when he went to gather his mail on the last Monday of the month. As he opened the box he saw a thin, crisp envelope with the Western University logo on it. Niles hurried back to the safe confines of his apartment before tearing into the much-anticipated correspondence. There it was, in black and white, a request for his presence on the fifteenth of the next month to attend the hiring committee interview. The reality of the situation suddenly hit Niles like a lightning bolt. In a flash the bombast and boasting, that was so publicly evident only a few weeks before at Le Cigare Volant, vanished. Here, alone in his apartment, with no audience about, he began to feel a rising trepidation that, until now, he had tried valiantly to bury under a façade of exhilaration and arrogance. His breathing became ragged, as he daubed some small beads of perspiration nervously from his upper lip and braced himself on the arm of the couch for support. The opened note dropped to the floor from his trembling hands. 

__

"My God!" he said to himself. "This actually is happening to me… **me**! I feel like I'm flying without a parachute. I'll be by myself in a new city. Alone! I h… haven't lived in another place, other than Seattle, since I did my graduate work at Yale… that was **years** ago! If I get this position, I have to move **and** handle a totally different career as well! Wh… what am I **getting** myself into! I know… I know I want this, but…"

Niles closed his eyes and made a concerted effort to concentrate on inhaling and exhaling more evenly. He began to invoke a litany of familiar images and incantations to quell his panic attack. 

__

"That's it, breathe slowly… there, that's better... It is just a little unnerving that's all. That's why you're getting all excited… You know this is what you want to do. Daphne… Daphne would be so proud of me. I can almost hear her saying it now – 'Look at you! Look at what you've done! Come here, sweetie!' She can help me get through this." 

Niles touched his cheek. He could feel Daphne's approving kiss on his face. A soothing sensation surged through him. His fears subsided as quickly as they had arisen. Calmer now, he wiped an errant tear from his face, opened his eyes and retrieved the interview notice from the carpet. He took one last, deep intake of air into his lungs and stood up.

"Right! I'd better get going. There's so much to be done if I am going to be properly prepared. It's my last chance to get them to see why I _am_ the best person for the job! I **do** want this!" Niles said out loud, to no one but himself, as he grabbed his coat and locked the front door. 

He couldn't find all his answers in that note, but it was a start.

"I was the last candidate that they saw," Niles said with an anxious edge in his voice.

"Do you think you got it?" inquired Roz, leaning in towards him over the table at the Café Nervosa. "When will you find out?" She eagerly allowed herself to be caught up in his fervor.

__

"The little weenie can be endearing sometimes," she reckoned. "Especially when he is all hyper about something." 

"I should be informed in about another week." Niles' voice quivered when he spoke. "I think it went _extremely_ well, if I must say so myself! The lecture that I gave was interesting and there was a lively question and answer period after with the students. The interview with the members of the committee went smoothly. I don't want to jinx it, but I think the dinner I had with the dean was the pièce de résistance!"

"Well, that's just dandy,Niles," intoned Frasier flatly.

__

"Wow, that wasn't even polite, **fake** excitement," thought Roz. "Could Frasier really be having such a hard time getting used to the idea of 'life without Niles'? Or is this a matter of jealousy? God knows it wouldn't be the first time those two were in some kind of weird competition. Even when they aren't knowingly trying to beat each other, it's still a 'my dick is bigger than your dick' contest. It's so pathetic!"

"So, Niles, what type of a place are you looking for in Bellingham?" Roz asked. "Do you want to rent or own this time? I hear the real estate can be just about as pricey as Seattle – no matter what, it's gonna cost you some bucks."

"Oh, I don't know Roz," Niles debated. "I haven't made up my mind entirely. I'd like to own something, but even if I get the job, it will be a temporary position at first, so maybe renting would be the best plan."

Roz nodded her head in acknowledgement. What he said seemed to make sense to her.

"_What_?" Frasier squeaked. "It's just a_ temporary _position?"

Roz scrunched up her face. "_Oh, God, here it comes_," _she thought_. _"This just the type of thing that Frasier would latch onto."_

"Well, yes," said Niles apprehensively. "I thought you understood that. I'll be joining the _temporary_ faculty pool. It's just a short term contract and would have to be renewed every year."

Frasier just sat there, staring at his brother with his mouth open, like the "Catch of the Day" on the bottom of a fishing trawler.

"But," Niles added hastily, "they said that if I get the job and I do well enough, I could be up for a "tenure track" position sometime in the future, if conditions are right. I also heard that with the current shortage of teachers, the chances of my contract being renewed, although not automatic, is pretty good." 

"_This is unbelievable!_" Frasier shouted at the top of his lungs. 

Roz half-considered telling him bluntly that everyone was staring at him and that he should sit down and shut up, but before she could say anything he continued with his tirade. 

"_You have lost your mind! _You're giving up a stable profession and a comfortable lifestyle in your hometown to… to… to do _what_? Traipse off to… to… _Bellingham_, of all places!!" Frasier sputtered. "Why it doesn't even have a _decent_ symphony!"

Niles sat stunned, immobilized by Frasier's attack, blinking his eyes at his brother. 

Roz jumped in. Being a mother had greatly improved her sympathy factor. "Frasier, give the guy a break – "

But the floodgates were opened and Frasier wasn't about to let Roz impede the torrent of his passionate indignation.

"A _break_?" Frasier could barely contain himself. "A break? _Nooo_, I tried, but this, _this_ has gone _toooo _far! Are you aware of what you are about to do Niles? You aren't playing some kind of a _game_ here! This is your _life_… your _future_ we are talking about, _man_!"

Niles remained silent. Roz couldn't tell if he was absorbing what Frasier had said or not. The look on Niles' face was just vacant, empty of any real expression. 

__

"God, I wish Martin was here!" Roz thought. "He'd straighten this out in a minute!

"Frasier, calm down," Roz said in a hushed tone. "People are wondering what's the matter with you!"

"What's the matter with _me_!" Frasier's voice pitched even higher. "It's not me, it's **him**! After all that has happened to him in the past little while and he decides that the best course of action is to abandon a secure medical career for a makeshift "temp" job! Then, as if that weren't _bad enough,_ he ups and moves away from his friends and _family_! It's like he thinks he is the only one who was hurt in all this!"

With this barbed chastisement ringing in his ears, Niles dropped his head and cast his eyes downward. His mouth became drawn into a taut frown. His fingers began to fidget and twitch. Roz pitifully reached out and wrapped her hands around his, to still the frenzied movement. She wasn't quite sure whether Niles was more angered or wounded by Frasier's close-to-the-bone lambasting, but she knew that _something_ in him was about to snap and there would be one hell of an explosion, one way or another. 

She looked up pleadingly at Frasier and hissed, "All right, that's enough! Can't you see you're upsetting him? _And_ you're making a complete _jackass_ of yourself, to boot!"

"No, Roz!" Frasier barreled ahead, heedless of the warning. "It needs to be said. Niles is making one of the** _biggest_** mistakes of his life!"

With that final judgement, Niles suddenly rocketed out of his chair with such force that it tipped back and crashed to the floor with a clatter. The entire coffeehouse turned their collective heads to watch the show. Roz buried her face in her hands.

__

"Oh, God!" she moaned to herself. "Here it comes! The Crane boys' version of a fist fight! Just don't let there be any hairpulling!!

"_Well_!" Niles exclaimed. "I am sorry to hear you think that brother! I just happen to disagree. And I'm not going to sit here and listen to you stomp all over my decisions any longer! If I get that teaching job at Western, I'll consider myself pretty fortunate – temporary or not! And _if_ I am chosen, I'm moving to Bellingham and _that's all there is to it_! So _rant_ away, Frasier, all you want! You'll be just talking to yourself, because I'm _leaving_!"

Not waiting for a reply, Niles sprinted out the door of the café, elbows flying and head held high. Frasier, gasped with indignation and started to say something, but suddenly caught himself. A small, shrewd smile crept across his face. He looked towards the exit and raised an eyebrow. 

"You can't let him leave like that!" spit Roz. "Go after him, Frasier!"

"Noooo," said Frasier rather smugly. "I think he'll be back."

"How can you be so sure?" she asked.

Without saying a word, Frasier got up, went to the doorway and lifted Niles' Armani coat off the rack with a _know-it-all_ look.

"You two have done this sort of thing before, _haven't you_?" laughed Roz. "What's next?"

"Me, apologizing," said Frasier contritely. "But first –"

With perfect timing Niles reappeared and made a reach for his coat. Frasier pulled back just at the precise moment his brother stretched out his hand. Niles looked expectantly at his brother for a recantation. Frasier willingly complied. 

"Niles," said Frasier remorsefully. "I'm sorry. I should have been more considerate of your feelings. To be honest, it's just that I am having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that you may be leaving soon. Can we talk?"

All Roz heard, as they walked out of the café together, was Niles saying appropriately enough, "Oh, go ahead, _I'm listening_… "

"Dad, I think now I have come to the realization, that this is really more about _my_ fears of losing Niles, than him running away from his problems. I know he still has a lot of unresolved issues as to just _why _he is doing this, but after our little talk the other day at Nervosa, I feel more reassured that he isn't turning his back on us… well, O.K. – _me_!" Frasier corrected himself off of Martin's knowing glance.

"So you're better with this now, right?" quizzed his father. 

"I'm _working on it_ – _yes_," Frasier said signaling his capitulation.

"Well, I guess it's safe to tell you then, that Niles called and told me that he got the teaching job at Western. They notified him this morning," Martin held his breath and waited for a response. 

"Why that little _wease_l! He didn't even have the courage to tell me to my face! I ought to - "

"Now, Fraz, it's hysterics like this that just proves your brother was right in giving _me_ the message."

Frasier halted his histrionics. "You're right, Dad, of course! I… I said I was _working_ on perfecting my acceptance of his departure. I didn't say I had gotten to the point where I am _completely_ comfortable with the idea."

"Well, practice makes perfect," Martin muttered and then in a little louder voice he said, "It's the _effort_ that counts, son. And speaking of efforts, I want you to promise me you're going to make a _big _one, because Niles is on his way over here right now. I don't want a scene with him. _All right_, Frasier?"

"Yes, Dad, _understood. _I promise. But it won't be easy because he can be so insufferable when –"

"_Frasier_!"

Once Niles had secured the faculty post, he had to resolve the question about what type of a place he was going to reside in. He had plenty of funds at his disposal. Niles had set aside a large portion of the money that he garnered from the sale of his practice to Dr. Berringer, which was a _tidy_ sum, to be used towards his new residence. After a week of thoughtful deliberation, he finally announced to Frasier and Martin that he had settled on buying a house in Bellingham, instead of renting or leasing. The reason for this determination was never really made very clear to his family. How could Niles elucidate his rationale to others, when he himself wasn't too sure of the logic behind his decision? 

Frasier had to bite his tongue several times on the ride to Bellingham, but he kept his promise to Martin, not to vex Niles any further about his choices. For this small mercy, Niles was eternally grateful to his older brother. Just to be on the safe side though, Niles made sure that Martin accompanied them, so there could be neutral third party to mediate disputes, if the need arose.

"We can make this a family outing," their father proclaimed cheerily from the back seat of Niles' Mercedes, on the ninety-mile drive north, along the coast of Washington State. "Just like when you guys were kids!" 

"Right, Dad," agreed Niles in an equally breezy tone. "Except you didn't have to remind us to use the facilities before we started out!"

Frasier just grunted "Yeah, loads of fun," and looked out the window. 

The real estate agent had a whole slate of houses for them to look at. Frasier eventually broke down and admitted to Niles that he _was_ impressed by the quality of the splendid homes on some of the finest waterfront property he had ever seen. In fact, Niles noticed that as the day wore on, Frasier began to get into the swing of things and enjoyed himself. First they viewed several houses on Bellingham Bay leading out into Puget Sound, all of which had various sizes of boathouses or docks made to accommodate a wide selection of luxury vessels. Later that morning they went further inland to Lake Whatcom and saw a selection of other buildings that were just as opulent. These had a more rustic, rugged northwestern appeal, with towering windows, cathedral ceilings and large natural stone fireplaces. 

"Oh, Niles!" gasped Frasier. "This one is magnificent! Come see this vista!"

Niles smiled and shook his head. Nothing could distract Frasier from one of his blue moods like shopping for _big-ticket items_!

Martin just whistled in amazement and said little except, "_How_ much is _this _one?" 

But as Niles looked at these imposing structures he found himself vaguely discouraged with what he was seeing. None of them _spoke_ to him. 

"Just what do you _want_ them to say to you?" questioned Martin.

"I want one of them to say 'Niles, you're _home_!' " he replied. 

He was beginning to think he would have to return another day to continue his quest, when, in the waning hours of the afternoon, the broker took them to their final destination and his prayers were answered

He found what he was looking for in the Eldridge Historical District, a gracious, well-treed, residential area situated on the bluffs, high above Bellingham Bay. 

It was a dwelling that Niles knew intuitively was another piece of the puzzle to his future. This could be a refuge where he would be able to find some answers to fill the gapping emptiness inside him. _"Daphne would have loved this place!" he thought_. "_But there aren't the specters of sadness like at the Montana."_ Maybe this was the happiness that she had eluded to when she came to visit him that night.

"Good choice, very good choice!" said the agent as they strolled around the property. "This is the Canfield House. It's one of Bellingham's finest historic homes. Built in 1893, this restored Queen Anne styled Victorian dwelling, has four bedrooms, all on the second floor. It boasts of a completely renovated gourmet kitchen, original oak paneling in the grand entranceway, beamed fourteen-foot ceilings, a superb open staircase and several bay windows on the ground floor. There's a fireplace in the master bedroom, as well as the parlor and living room. As you can see from the outside it's multi-gabbled and has beautiful spindled decorations for that period look. Just look at the wide wrap-around porch! The yard is virtually the same size of the original deed. That is really quite rare, even in this exclusive neighborhood. This _is_ truly a "one of a kind home". And a steal at $400,000." 

(Author's note: To see a picture of Niles' new home, here is a link - http://www.cob.org/cobweb/planning/planning/historic/3eldrid.jpg – yes, the Canfield House _really _does exist and was recently up for sale – until Niles bought it, I think! ;) )

"We'll take it!" There wasn't a hint of hesitation in Niles' voice. "I… I mean I think I want to put a bid on it… immediately."

Okey-dokey!" chirped the beaming agent. "Let's go into the kitchen and get down to business, Dr. Crane. Right this way!"

Even the usually easy-going Martin looked shocked as he and Frasier were left behind in the living room, while Niles and the salesperson withdrew to the adjoining room to draw up the papers on his offer. Frasier glanced at his dad and shrugged his shoulders. The lightning speed at which Niles had made his decision was troublesome to him, to say the least. 

__

"Impulse buying isn't the wisest decision on the smallest of items, let alone a house!" Frasier thought.

"Well, that was _quick_," he whispered under his breath, so Niles couldn't hear him. 

"Yeah, I'll say, _real _quick! And it's a lot of _dough_!" chimed in Martin.

"This house is awfully big for one person!" added Frasier. "Four bedrooms.

What is he going to do with all that space?"

"It may be big," Martin said emphatically. "But it's still a _lot _of _cash_ for a house!"

"It is over a hundred years old. Niles knows as well as I do, even if there has been extensive renovations there could be a distinct possibility that more work has to be done," Frasier stated knowledgeably. "It takes a lots of time and effort to do that kind of thing." 

"Yup! And a** lot** of money!" Martin persisted.

"Forget the _money_, Dad! With what Niles made from the sale of his practice and the savings and investments he has, he can probably afford a house like this, but… it goes _deeper_ than that!"

"With you, it _always_ does," Martin observed, half to himself.

Frasier ignored this remark.

"For God's sake Dad, he's only got a _one-year contract_! What if they don't renew it! Will he still want to stay in Bellingham under those circumstances? What _is_ he searching for? What does he think he'll find in Bellingham, that he couldn't find in Seattle any longer?"

"Only Niles can answer _that _question, Frasier," acknowledged his father. "And maybe even he _can't,_ at this moment. We'll just have to wait and see."

End of Part Three (to be continued)


	4. Chapt. 4 : Uncharted Waters

****

At the Heart of It All 

by Val McCaffery

Chapt. 4 : Uncharted Waters

Niles languidly waved one more time at Frasier's retreating car before doing an about face and sauntering back towards the house. He cinched his brown, bulky-knit cardigan tighter around his slight frame to stave off the bite of a night chill. Even though it was only the first week of September the crispness of the air signaled the oncoming harsher weather. 

__

"Perhaps winter will arrive early this year?" Niles mused. 

A warm smile of contentment flickered across his face, as he turned around and strained to catch a last glimpse of the black BMW as it headed down the street. With a couple of short "goodbye" blasts of the horn, it soon disappeared into the darkness. 

__

"I'm glad they came," Niles noted. _"I needed them to be here today."_

Despite his growing shivers, Niles couldn't help but stop for a few moments to look around in wonderment at his new environs. The outside light bathed the porch in a ghostly, citron glow. A choir of crickets chirped out a chorus of familiar tunes to the inky heavens. He could feel the pale, milky fingers of the full moon coolly caress his face. A few errant leaves broke away from their mothering trees and drifted leisurely down to the ground near his feet. Niles exhaled one deep, frosty breath as he mounted the creaky planks of the front steps, pulled back the wooden screen door and entered his home.

__

"That's what this is, isn't it?" he concluded. "This really is **my** home, now. It seemed like such an impossible dream a few months ago, but now it's a reality!"

And with that idea, came another fact that he had to face - he was truly alone now, for the first time in many years. His closest friends and family were almost 100 miles away. He didn't actually _know_ anyone in Bellingham yet. A whole new network of colleagues and business associates would have to be established in the coming weeks. He would have to find other bistros and bookstores to haunt on rainy days. There would be no familiar faces behind the counters when he went about his daily routines. Everything had changed for him. His life was a clean slate waiting to be written on.

__

"Liberating to a certain extent," he thought. "But also a bit frightening to be sure."

Niles surveyed the organized clutter that spread out before him in the grand entranceway. There were still plenty of boxes to be unpacked and things to be rearranged, but the normally overly fussy Niles somehow didn't mind. He had already imagined that the gradual transfer of his belongings could become a comforting nightly ritual for him. Something to help him fill the solitary hours that he was bound to have plenty of in the foreseeable future. 

__

"To every thing there is a season," Niles philosophized. "And a time to every purpose under heaven… _isn't that how it goes?_ _The important thing is that I have found a place for myself. Sure, it will take a while to get settled in, and I know that the house definitely needs some refurbishing, but in spite of all that, there is an aura about this house that feels sooo right. I know I belong here. It can help me in the long run." _

Niles turned the latch on the front door and flicked off the hallway lights. Ambling into the dimly lit parlor, he settled down on his familiar fainting couch and reached out for the portrait of Daphne resting on the large beige ottoman that doubled, once again, as a center table. Niles was grateful that with all this whirlwind of change in his current situation, he still had some accustomed objects that could anchor his life. It made the transition easier. 

He leaned back on the cushions and closed his eyes. The complete stillness that surrounded him allowed his thoughts to drift. Gradually a strange feeling of melancholy overtook him. Niles enwrapped the picture in his arms, holding it close to his body. Determined as he was not to let his emotions inundate him, Niles still found himself weeping involuntarily as the minutes on the clock ticked by.

__

"I've been doing a lot of crying, lately," he reflected. "It's like I have sprung a leak in my soul. I wish I could mend it somehow."

He leaned forward and gazed at Daphne's face, hoping the happiness captured in her smile could pull him out of his despondency. His tears fell on the smooth glass that covered the photograph. Fastidious as ever, Niles slipped his hand into the pocket of his sweater to retrieve a handkerchief to wipe away the evidence of his sorrow, lest it spoil the moment of Daphne's joy. As he pulled the cloth out of its hiding place, out tumbled an antiquated compass. Niles plucked the newly acquired relic from the thick Persian rug under his feet and smiled.

"Thanks, Frasier," he hoarsely whispered out loud. "Sometimes it's the little things that can help the most." 

Drying both the picture and his eyes concurrently, Niles slowly made his way up the winding staircase to his bedroom. He set the likeness of his beloved on his bedside table, so that she could watch over him through the night, changed into his bedclothes and slid under the warm covers. The compass, still tightly gripped in his hand as he drifted off to sleep, acted like a lodestone, drawing him back to the gratifying events of that afternoon … 

In a show of support Martin, Frasier and Roz, had all come up earlier that day to Bellingham to help Niles uncrate some of his personal effects after the movers had brought the larger items from the Montana. They spent hours removing possessions such as books, dishes and pictures from their packing containers and placing them carefully, according to Niles'_ exacting _instructions, in their proper locales. 

"My God, Niles," said Roz with superficial exasperation. "Have you actually _read_ all these books?" 

Niles grinned. "Yesss, Roz, I _have_. And I expect that I'll have to read a great deal more once my job at Western gets going in full swing – student assignments, research papers and all that."

"Well just don't forget to take time out for the _important _things like food, sleep and sex," she teased, as she scooped up an armful of massive volumes and set them carefully on a shelf under Niles' watchful eye.

Martin snickered and continued with his assigned chores.

"Thanks for the advice, _Rozzzz_. And I am sure that you strategically placed those in a _definite_ order of importance for yourself – sex being so _low_ on your list of priorities," Niles answered with a touch of sarcasm in his voice.

Roz made a face and stuck her tongue out at him. 

"Hey! I give up my valuable time on a Saturday to help you convert this dusty, old room into your _precious new library_ and this is the abuse I get!" she shot back. "Some sensitive, caring therapist you are!" 

"Well, all kidding aside," Niles announced in an impromptu burst of gratitude, "I _am_ very appreciative that everyone came down here today to help me out. I don't think I could manage this all on my… _Dad_… Dad be c_areful_ with those books… and where are the white gloves that I issued you? Some of those are _rare_ first editions!" 

Martin gave him a _look _that only he could. Niles caught the full meaning of that stare in an instant. He climbed down off the stepladder and headed for the hallway. 

"Umm, I guess I'd better check up on how Frasier is doing in the kitchen," he muttered as he trotted down the narrow corridor.

As it happened, Frasier was doing just fine. 

"You're going to have some spectacular meals coming from a set-up like this, Niles," he said as he hung up a copper crêpe pan on one of the hooks above the stove island.

"Well, not tonight, I'm afraid," Niles stated. "I suppose we could go out and find a restaurant that is close by. As a matter of fact, we're right downtown and there are a surprising number of very fine eating establishments nearby, according to the guide book I got."

"Why don't we just order in?" Frasier suggested. "That way we can keep working and get more done before the food arrives, all right?" 

Niles looked up at his brother. Those seemingly insignificant words brought a feeling of acceptance washing over him that he had longed for from Frasier. 

When Frasier didn't hear a reply from Niles, he glanced up to see if there was anything wrong. He saw Niles purse his lips and rub his chin thoughtfully. 

"Niles?" Frasier said with a fretful tone. "Did I say something to upset you?"

"No, no… " Niles smiled warmly. "It's just that… well, I'm just glad you're here today. I… I miss you, Frasier, you and everyone else and I… I know this hasn't been easy on all of you. I don't know if I can explain to you why I had to do all this… it's hard for me to put it into words." 

He sighed and looked down at his feet. Sometimes the confusion that he felt in his soul was hard to articulate to others, even someone close to him.

Frasier reached out and touched his brother's arm. 

"It's all right, Niles, you don't have to," he said kindly. "The words will come when you are ready." 

Reaching into his pocket Frasier pulled out a small object wrapped in a clean hankie. "I was going to give you this later, but I think now would be a better time. Here," He held the gift out, thrusting it towards Niles. "It's not much – just something small."

Niles let out a sharp gasp. "It's… it's breath-taking, Frasier! Thank you!"

The neatly pressed linen unfolded to reveal a polished pewter compass nestled within. 

"I thought you might like it," said Frasier, delighted with Niles' reaction. "I found it in that quaint shop on Pike. They said it came from one of the old sailing vessels that wrecked in Puget Sound during the 1800's. I… I figured you could use it, you know – if you ever get to feeling a bit lost - "

"A compass is supposed to help you to find your way back home, right?" anticipated Niles.

"Well, sometimes," Frasier said tenderly. "But _sometimes _it can guide you through uncharted waters to a _new_ destination."

"Thanks, Frasier… Thank y…"

He choked up and then simply grabbed Frasier and hugged him. They stood there a few minutes holding onto each other, Frasier gently patting Niles' back.

"I love you, _brother_," sobbed Niles.

"I love you too, Niles," echoed Frasier.

"Oh, jeez!" said Martin as he walked through the kitchen door. "Can't you guys just punch each other on the arm like other brothers would?"

The two boys broke apart and stood there sheepishly in front of their father. 

"What d'yah have to eat around here?" Martin asked. "I'm starved and Roz is in the other room eyeing my legs like they are pieces of barbecued chicken."

"We… we were just about to call for Chinese," said Niles as he cleared his throat. Unobserved, he slipped the compass into his sweater pocket and grabbed the phone book. "What do you want? Let's see - wonton soup for Frasier and… "

"You'll be all right, Niles," whispered Fraiser in his brother's ear. "Things are going to be O.K., you'll see."

"Good morning everyone…. I'm Dr. Niles Crane. I will be your instructor in 'Advanced Psychotherapy' this semester. Now, let's get started… "

With those few short sentences Niles tentatively took his first formal steps into his new life.

He was officially listed as an associate professor in the psychology department and given a one-year contract in the temporary job vacancy pool of the university. He was fortunate in the fact that most of these short-term positions were just part-time, but Niles had snared a rare full-time deal, which was luckily available at just the right time for him. Niles hoped that if he performed well, he would be eligible to be slotted into a "tenure track" position sometime in the future. But that was something that was a ways off and his immediate concern was just getting started this semester.

It was part of Niles' pre-planned survival strategy to keep very diligently engaged for the next little while. He truly believed that by immersing himself in an overload of unaccustomed activity, he could somehow exorcise the depression _demon_ that had taken hold of him since Daphne died. He was determined to simply _work _himself out of his gloom.

And he certainly did succeed in filling his waking hours. Busy didn't begin to describe his timetable. Niles was scheduled during the first semester to cover the topics of different theories in therapy counseling, as well as psychotherapy and abnormal behaviour management. He taught four classes each day and since all of those enrolled in his assigned courses were going for their Masters degree, he also had two blocks of time set aside for consultations with students working on their theses. As well he was involved with the associated medical facilities in Whatcom County for clinical trials to support his research and also had a number of faculty committee assignments. 

With all that, and the fact that he still was moving into his home, Niles had very little time for anything else, except a precisely calculated minimum amount of sleep to keep him functioning at this accelerated pace and some quickly arranged meals. Marking student work often took longer than he expected and the work in the hospitals and clinics where he was doing his practical research, involved long hours as well. More nights than not, he found himself falling asleep at the desk in his study, slumped over a mountain of papers and books.

If any of his family asked him how things were, he would only admit to things being a bit rough at times, but nothing he couldn't handle and he held fast to the hope that things would ease up in the near future. 

Niles wasn't exactly surprised by his overloaded work agenda. He had foreseen that to a certain degree. What did take him aback, were the complications he seemed to be having with the social aspect of his job. Since he had so little personal time, the only convivial outings he attended centered on the university sphere of influence. 

Niles was introduced to most of the other teaching staff in the department over a series of short informal get-togethers at the dean's house just before the beginning of the semester. And while the staff was on the surface cordial and receptive, there was an _exclusive,_ rather than _inclusive _atmosphere that seemed to permeate these gatherings. Sometimes he felt like he could have been wearing a sandwich board sign that read "outsider" and it wouldn't have been any more obvious. He made a concerted effort to be as outgoing as possible, even though this was difficult for him, at the best of times. He was eager to learn from the more seasoned veterans how to handle the whole college _milieu_, but sometimes there was a whiff of desperation about him that was noticeable.

__

"Oh God!" he worried. "It's like prep school all over again! Niles Crane – social outcast!"

At each outing he redoubled his pains to be professional and polite, diligently smiling and making small talk with the campus regulars, hoping to win their approval. Gradually, by the third party, he _did _seem to be making some inroads for all his tireless efforts. But it wasn't easy and this certainly added to the stress in his life. He still appeared to many to be a bit standoffish and distant. For while he tried hard to ingratiate himself to the others, Niles couldn't help but be cautiously guarded about how much he revealed concerning his reasons for leaving Seattle. He never mentioned Daphne, his previous marriages, or anything for that matter, about _any _aspect of his private life. It was just too much of a raw wound for him to be picking away at such a fresh scab. A small minority of members of the hiring committee knew the tragic circumstances of Niles' recent personal history, but the rest of the staff was told that he had moved to Bellingham because he needed a change of pace, nothing more. His aloofness only magnified his isolation from the rest of his compatriots.

As expected he was given a _very _small office, which he shared with two other faculty members in Miller Hall, just a short walk across the courtyard to the psychology building, where he gave his seminars and lectures.

"I guess when I am supposed to meet privately with my students, I will have to find a closet somewhere nearby, big enough to fit two people into," he jested one day to his new _roomies_. 

"Yes, well that's the life of a 'Prof.', Dr. Crane," said Dr. Saul Rosenblum, who originally hailed from New York. "I've been doing this for ten years, at all kinds of universities in the north-west and they're all the same." 

"Get used to it," confirmed Dr. Ann Kahn, a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, who had been trying for three years to get a "tenure track" position. "You're _not_ in the _luxury_ of private practice any longer."

The odor of disdain hung in the air with that remark.

"Yes…. Well, thanks for the advice," Niles said awkwardly, rubbing his tired eyes and burying his nose back into the text he was reading.

Dr. Kahn's comment stuck in Niles' mind like a pebble in his shoe.

He tried hard not to become _too_ obsessive about it, but it bothered him that the others on staff might think that he was some kind of spoiled "prima donna". It was _very_ important to him that he be respected professionally at Western. In order to overcome what he thought might be a perceived impression, Niles pushed himself even more to totally dedicate himself to his newly chosen career. He increased the number of nights he stayed late to conference with students about their dissertations and even came in on the occasional Saturday afternoon. He never denied an even halfway reasonable request. 

"Niles, be careful," warned Frasier in his weekly phone conversation with his brother, when another invitation for a visit was cancelled. "It's a necessity that you take some down time for yourself. All work and no play… "

"I know, I know," Niles hastily interrupted. "Makes _me_ a dull boy! Well, for right now you can color me _dull_ then, Frasier. I can handle it. I just _wish_ that I could get rid of this aching in my head! Besides, things will probably settle down sometime after Christmas… speaking of which, can you and Dad come up here and celebrate with me in Bellingham? I'll come down for Thanksgiving to your place, but I don't think I can afford to take that much time off after that… what with the papers that I have to mark during the holidays… but if you two came _up_ to Canfield it'd be easier to schedule you in."

"_Niles_!" Frasier scolded.

"What?" he answered, naively unaware of how positively frazzled he'd become.

"Nothing. Just take care, little brother," Frasier said with true affection. "Just take care of yourself, _please_."

As the weeks went by, Niles began to notice that he was suffering from the headaches more frequently. At first he thought it was from lack of sleep or stress, but the length and severity of the pain kept increasing. By early November Niles began to realize that he _did_ seem to have some deterioration in the general level of his eyesight. It was clear that he was squinting at signs and holding his books further and further back, until his arms just didn't seem long enough.

__

"Damn," he stewed. "That means I will have to go see someone about having my eyes tested. I don't have time for this!"

He asked one of his colleagues if they could recommend an optometrist and was given the name of a Dr. Brightman who had an office quite close to the campus. Niles made a hurried appointment for the next Wednesday at 5:30 and made a note of it in his planner.

He wasn't in a particularly good mood when that day rolled around. One of his students had cancelled a meeting on such short notice that Niles was unable to reschedule his other meetings. To make matters worse his computer crashed before he was able to save all of a paper that he was writing.

"Well, that was a wasted afternoon!" Niles brooded as he flipped through the medical journal he had brought with him to read in the office. "Now I suppose I will be made to wait at least an hour before – "

"Niles Crane?" announced the receptionist. "The doctor will see you now."

Niles strode down a brightly-lit hallway and was ushered into a small examination room. 

The technician put the required drops in Niles' eyes to dilate his pupils and after a few moments Dr. Brightman came briskly though the door.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Crane," she said pleasantly as she extended her hand in greeting.

"It's _Dr_. Crane," Niles replied testily and then immediately regretted being so short with her without any justification. He was suddenly struck with how clear her voice was and how it had a faintly musical quality to it. 

Dr. Brightman took it in stride. "Oh, I apologize," she said and then added "I always hate when people can't get my name right either. Let me start again – Good afternoon, _Dr_. Crane. I'm Dr. Brightman." 

"Oh, oh let _me_ apologize, " Niles sputtered. "You must think I am just so perfectly ill-mannered, jumping on you like that… my only excuse is that I have had an absolutely _horrible_ day and… and these pesky headaches just won't go away… and it is interfering with the reading that I simply _must_ get done and - "

Dr. Brightman laughed lightly. "All right, all right, I _believe_ you **and** _forgive_ you!" 

Niles stopped short and looked at her. He saw before him a rather small woman, only about 5'6" in height, who had rather large brown eyes behind a pair of stylish glasses, dark, chestnut brown hair and very pale white skin. Niles would have estimated her age to be somewhere around forty-three. When he squinted, which he _had_ to do because of the drops he had been given, he could see that a few freckles traced across her cheekbones and that her long, neatly braided hair had a natural wavy curl to it and touches of gray around the edges. 

"I_s that a hint of cherries I smell?"_ _Niles shook his head_. _"Maybe not? It must be my imagination."_

"Thank you, you're too kind," he said red-faced with a trace of discomfort. "Umm, where would you like me to sit?"

"Right in front of me at this machine, please. That's it. Now put your chin on this stand and bring your face up close to the viewer. Just a bit closer and over just a smidgen, Dr. Crane, please."

She reached out and delicately touched the side of his cheek to guide him to the correct spot. Niles closed his eyes and drew a quick breath as her fingers lightly pressed against his skin. He could smell some type of perfume on her wrist. Something both exciting and frightening stirred in him. It was the first time a woman had touched his face since Daphne…

A tear formed in the corner of his eye.

"Does this hurt?" Dr. Brightman asked with an implication of worry in her voice. "It shouldn't… "

"No, no," Niles said covering. "I guess… I guess I must have some dust in my eye."

"Don't move and I'll wipe it for you." With one smooth movement she reached to fetch a tissue from a box sitting on the table behind her. 

"**_No_**!" 

Niles' voice strained with the agitation and chaotic feelings he was experiencing. He backed out of the examination machine's head harness and nearly tipped in his chair. The realization that he had probably over-reacted just made him more flustered. 

"I mean… Oh God, what _must _you think! I can't explain… I mean I _can_ explain! It's just that… No! That will never do… I guess, I … I… "

A little taken aback, Dr. Brightman gaped at Niles in a rather mystified fashion. 

"Are you all right, Dr. Crane? Is there something I can do to help you?" she asked sympathetically. "Please relax. This is just a routine eye examination. I just want to take a look, all right?"

Niles rubbed his temples and closed his eyes. "I… I have been under a lot of tension lately and I guess it just got the better of me… I'm… sorry… "

He opened his cobalt blue eyes and searched her face for even a trifling of an indication of understanding. What Niles found in her expression was a generous awareness of his current anguish and a willingness to accept that no further explanation was needed from him. That at least made him breathe easier. 

"Can I get you a glass of water, perhaps?" she offered.

"Thank you, that would be lovely" Niles mumbled, lowering his eyes. 

Dr. Brightman retrieved a glass from a nearby cupboard and ran the faucet for a moment to make sure the water was cold enough. 

Niles began to ramble on nervously, mainly to relieve the uneasy quietude that smothered the room. 

"I know I must get some more rest. Maybe it's all tied to these headaches.

I have been reading a lot lately and my eyes seem more strained than usual. I haven't been myself. My schedule has been rather hectic. If I could just relax and get rid of this _pounding_ in my head! You must think that I am an _absolute_ fool… "

"Forget about it," Dr. Brightman said as casually as possible. "We all have days that we would like to take back and start all over again. But I am glad you decided to see me about these headaches. The cause could be something as simple as just needing eyeglasses or it could be more serious. An examination will tell us - then we can go from there. Are you ready, Dr. Crane?"

She motioned towards the contraption in the centre of the room again.

"One chair, no waiting," she joked.

Niles smiled half-heartedly at the attempted humor, but fully appreciated the fact that she was trying to make him feel as comfortable as possible under the embarrassing circumstances that had just occurred.

He sat down again and submitted to the tests that Dr. Brightman had to perform in order to make her diagnosis. But his mind kept wandering back to the sensation he felt when her hand touched him. He tried to censor these thoughts, but couldn't. 

__

"Stop this!" he rebuked himself. "You're becoming irrational about this. Besides the woman is a doctor, a professional. You have no right to go around thrusting your sexual frustrations on other people. Either she thinks you are a complete loon by now and is thoroughly scared of you, or, if you're lucky, she's just too nice to think ill of anyone and you can at least leave here today with some of your dignity still intact!"

"…Could I have you look directly into the light now, Dr. Crane? Thank you.

And now could you cover your one eye and just direct your focus to this pen. That's fine…"

__

"I wonder…I wonder what would it be like to feel her face? It looks so soft and smooth. Her lips are just like… Oh… my… God! **Stop it**!! **You're obsessing**!!"

Niles squirmed in the chair, as he tried to suppress the wellspring of desires that he couldn't seem to master. 

"And now could you look towards the floor, please…"

Niles' eyes traveled downward until he found himself focusing on Dr. Brightman's bare knee. As she adjusted her position in her seat, Niles observed that the hem of her skirt migrated upward along her leg just a bit.

Niles licked his bone-dry lips. His eyes eagerly transfixed on the sensuous curve of her limb. His breathing became a trifle ragged. He felt a tingling sensation in his groin. 

__

"If she would just move again, conceivably I could see… "

Another small unconscious shift and her legs parted ever so slightly.

Niles instinctively let out a low, concupiscent groan and swallowed hard.

"Dr. Crane… _Dr. Crane_?" Dr. Brightman's clarion voice broke through his ardent arousal like an alarm. "Are you all right?"

A totally inarticulate "Huh?" was all Niles could manage.

"I was just asking, Dr. Crane, if you could see out of this lens better, or the other one?" 

Her polite, but business-like demeanor extinguished the flames of his libidinous dreams.

"Oh, yes, of course," he hastily blurted out. "Sorry – I just had a cramp in my leg… but, but it's g… gone now…just temporary – you know how it is. You… you were saying about the lens?"

"How about now… better or worse?" she continued. "And now? "

__

"Oh, you **imbecile**!!!" he chastised himself. "If you do that again and she notices anything, she'll probably call the police and have you arrested as a **pervert**! Get control of yourself! Where are those memories of that decaying horse you saw? If it worked for Frasier once, it should work for you now!"

Niles conjured up the required images and shuddered at their effectiveness.

Dr. Brightman paused again.

"Is it too chilly in here for you? Are you cold?" she asked in a genuinely concerned voice. "We _have _been having trouble with the heat."

"No, I'm fine, _really_," Niles felt a resurgence of self-consciousness. "It's just that sitting for such a lengthy time… well, I am sure you've had patients who were five years old, who could sit still longer than me."

She chuckled at his noble effort at self-deprecating humor. "Well, yes, but something tells me you won't be so easy to bribe with a lollipop or a sticker. We're almost done. Now look at the viewing chart and read the letters as far as you can go with your left eye... "

Niles complied contritely. With his erogenous fantasies sufficiently restrained, the remainder of the check up carried on without incident. 

"Thanks, Dr. Crane. Now I just have to administer this glaucoma test. It doesn't hurt, let me assure you. Just a little puff of air directed in each eye. There! That's it, you're finished."

"And?" Niles asked with anticipation as he watched her scan his charts and mark a few notes down.

"Well, I can definitely rule out right now anything serious like cataracts, glaucoma or macular degeneration. I _would_ say however, that you _are _about to get your first pair of glasses in the near future. Bifocals."

"Glasses? That's all it is?" A tinge of tenseness showed in his inflection.

"Well there is some normal stretching of the eyeball, that comes with aging and corrective lenses will be just the ticket to alleviate those irksome headaches you have been getting lately. It's that simple." Dr. Brightman smiled reassuringly to put his mind at ease. "No big deal. You've heard of the old saying – bifocals, by forty."

She reached out and patted his hand to lend credence to her assurances.

****

Thump!

Niles couldn't believe it! He _definitely_ felt his heart thud loudly at the exact moment she made physical contact with his hand. It was so pronounced Niles swore he could see it moving beneath his shirt at that very moment. 

In fact, he was _quite_ sure that his chest was going to burst wide open_ any minute_! 

"_Dr. Brightman **must** notice it! She'd have to be **blind** not to!"_

It was a response that his conscious self just couldn't accept. 

"_This**… this isn't right!** This isn't in my plans at **all**!"_

Waves of apprehension, panic and guilt overtook Niles. He was being pulled in a multitude of directions. Even as feelings of mortification engulfed him, there was also a _distinct_ element of titillation that couldn't be denied. He _wanted_ her to find an excuse to touch him again. It was unmistakable. There was a primal attraction to her that terrified him through-and-through.

"Well… umm…when do I g… get these g… glasses?" he managed to say before his mouth went completely dry.

The good doctor glanced at Niles with a strong dose of bewilderment. 

"Well, first let me say that there's no need to get upset, all right? It's really quite simple. I can give you a prescription today and you can have them made up at one of those one-hour shops. There's one not too far from here."

Niles couldn't force any more words out of his mouth, so he just nodded his thanks.

__

"This **can't** be happening to me!!" he shouted with an inner voice that grew more frenzied by the second. "I've got to get out of here, **right now, **before I make a** complete ass** out of myself!"

He began fumbling around for his keys as he clumsily tried to pull on his jacket. His hands were shaking so much so, that he couldn't get his fingers to manipulate the buttons and just ended up thrusting his hands deep into his pockets in defeat. Niles wheeled around on his heels, grabbed his satchel and made a beeline for the door. 

"Dr. Crane, I don't think it would be prudent to drive home just yet."

Niles froze in his tracks at the sound of her voice, but he didn't turn in her direction. He remained motionless, mutely facing the door, waiting for a further explanation for the warning given. The knuckles on his right hand blanched as he griped the handle on his briefcase harder.

"It's… it's just that the drops that you were administered won't wear off for at least another twenty minutes," Dr. Brightman said helpfully. "I've written out the prescription. Why don't you just visit "Vision Masters" and go someplace nearby and have a coffee? By that time your glasses should be ready and your eyes will be clear as well. Here, you'd better take this."

She held the piece of paper out towards him.

Niles' eyes scraped the floor as he turned around to retrieve the proffered note. He couldn't look her in the face. Too much emotional baggage was weighing him down at the moment to take that risk. He took the paper from her. He knew she could see that he was trembling, as his hand sought the sanctuary of his pocket once again. 

"Thank you," he said in a low voice as he backed out of the room and fled.

Dr. Audrey Brightman went to the doorway and watched as the perplexing Dr. Crane rushed down the hall, bolted through the now empty waiting room and departed the building in a flurry. 

__

"There's something intriguing about him," she thought. "Something that's hard to define… attractive in a way, an unusual sensitivity about him that I find engaging. In spite of all his peculiar behavior this afternoon, I can't help but feel for him. He seems vulnerable… a bit of an enigma, though. _He is bright and charming one minute and a complete basket case the next. This isn't about glasses – it's something much deeper than that. He seems to be a very complex person… and I just happen to **like** complicated puzzles… " _

Holding onto that thought she went over to the reception desk and checked the information that Niles had supplied the office with when he made his appointment.

__

"Hmm, Niles H. Crane: address - 2215 Williams Street. My, my, that's impressive! Down in the historical district. That's the Canfield House, if I know my local history well enough. Shows he has good taste! Home number, work number… hmm, isn't that the number for Western Washington? I wonder what direction he went? Probably down High Street and then over to… I must be out of my mind, but sometimes you just have to follow your instincts and see where they lead you."

She turned to her receptionist and decided it was time to take a chance.

"Marcie, I'm going out for a bit. Would you lock up, please?"

Niles practically flew to the optical shop and distractedly picked out a pair of rather plain, dark-rimmed wire frames. The clerk informed him they would be "Ready in, _yes_ _indeedy, _one hour, sir". 

"Very well," was all Niles said, and with that he was gone in a flash.

__

"I need some place to go to think!" he reasoned. "Some place close, but quiet enough to allow me personal space. I have to get a grip on things! I feel like I'm in a car and have no brakes! I've lost all my control because of … because of **her**." 

He determined the perfect spot to ensconce himself was the nearby Café Toulouse. It had already become one of his favourite coffeehouses in Bellingham. It reminded him of his old rendezvous Nervosa, in Seattle.

__

"Minus Frasier, of course," Niles joked to himself when he first happened upon it.

It was close to the campus and his home, there was a sidewalk patio and the atmosphere was understated and amiable. Since it wasn't raining, he decided on "a la fresco", less crowded that way, and after what had just happened in the optometrist's office, Niles felt like he could _really _use some _air_. 

He sat down and ordered a double decaf latte to steady his nerves. While waiting for his coffee to arrive he began to mull over the events of the past hour, like a recording with a skip in it. All the humiliation and yearnings he felt, inextricably tumbled about in his heart as well as his mind. Suddenly he had a desperate urge to feel grounded. He needed something to help him sort through his conflicting emotions. Niles reached instinctively into his shirt pocket and pulled out Daphne's locket.

__

"Like a Visa card – I never leave home without it," silently quipped Niles.

Looped through the gold chain was also his wedding band. He hadn't worn it since moving to Bellingham because too many prying questions would have to be answered if someone was _too _observant. It was better that way, he told himself repeatedly. That Pandora's Box wouldn't have to be opened at every introduction, and yet he could still feel both cherished items next to his beating heart throughout the day. He obstinately didn't want people's sympathy or understanding – he just wanted his privacy. 

He ran his finger around the smooth edge of the ring, remembering the day Daphne confidently slipped it on his finger during their ceremony… 

__

"To have and to hold,

from this day forth, 

in sickness and in health,

'til death due us part…" 

__

"No, they are wrong," Niles postulated. "Some marriages continue even after death. I could never betray Daphne… could I? "

He rubbed his eyes wearily. A cool shadow fell over his shoulder.

Niles turned and looked up to investigate the source of the obscuration. 

He blinked twice just to make sure his still somewhat clouded eyes weren't playing tricks on him. There, standing behind him, silhouetted by the setting sun, was Dr. Brightman. As surreptitiously as possible, Niles returned the locket to it's hiding place. 

"_Dr._ _Brightman_?" He tried to make his voice sound nonchalant. "Can I do something for you?"

At first she looked confidently down at him, but then as she opened her mouth to speak the self-assuredness in her just seemed to disappear. 

"Oh… umm, Dr. Crane, I… well, to tell you the truth… you… you forgot to… to make a follow-up appointment when you left the office… and I wouldn't… wouldn't want you to think that I… I mean, _we _didn't care… _care enough to be thorough_." 

Niles was experienced enough at _flop-sweats_ to recognize that now it was Audrey Brightman who was having her own little panic attack. But the real question was _– why_? 

__

"Does she feel some attraction to me?" he wondered. "Or am I just misreading her intentions? Oooh, I have never been very good at this sort of thing."

"Do you want me to go back _now _and make one?" Niles glanced at his watch. It was after 7:00 p.m. "I mean, if you think it is _necessary_, I'll do 

it …_but, isn't a little late_?"

"Of course, you can _always_ do it tomorrow by phone," she blushed. "It's just that I was just on my … my way… umm… and well, since I saw you here, the thought occurred to me that you… that I should remind you… " She trailed off. "Uhh… is anyone sitting there?"

"No, no one at all." Niles chivalrously cleared the seat of his briefcase. "Please… please, sit down."

"Once the sun starts to set, the evening air gets so cool," she said gathering her composure as she skipped around the sidewalk barricade.

"I usually stop by… here… to get warmed up with a cup of java."

"Oh?" Niles politely queried. "You live nearby?" He wasn't sure, but he didn't think he had ever seen her in the café. It _could _be that he just hadn't noticed her, but he was beginning to suspect that _wasn't_ the case.

"Uh… no, I don't," she answered awkwardly. "I just like to unwind here, after work sometimes… _occasionally_ – not often."

"I see…well, I sort of like this spot myself, Dr. Brightman" Niles opinioned. 

"Please, it's Audrey… Audrey Brightman."

__

"Oh… **first **names?" Niles noted to himself. "This **could** be a sign of more than just sociable interest." 

As if on cue, she looked up at that exact moment and her eyes met his with the force of a car crash. 

__

"Oh, my God - no!" Niles wheezed. "Here we go again!"

His fingers gripped the sides of his coffee cup as if it was his only salvation. 

"I… I'm Dr. Crane… I mean, Dr. _Niles_ Crane. I _mean_… _Niles Crane._" he gasped. His eyes bulged out a bit and his eyebrows hit a record high on his forehead. 

__

"Settle down you **idiot**!" he panicked to himself. "Just try and have a civil chat with this woman! You **can** do it, if you concentrate and get your mind out of the gutter!" 

Niles started to fidget with his utensils on the table, polishing first the fork, then moving onto the spoon and knife. He managed to stop himself before he confiscated Audrey's set.

I know," Audrey flashed a smile. "It was on the form you filled out back at the office. Niles – that English, isn't it?"

"Yes… yes, basically, but our family has a little of everything mixed into it – even some Russian apparently," he said with an unintentional chuckle, thinking back to a certain clock a few years ago.Niles' nerves slowly started to abate.

__

"In truth, this could turn out to be enjoyable," he determined. "No matter what her motives. At least I am having an actual dialogue with someone who doesn't work with me, or that I teach."

"What's the "H" stand for?" Audrey's tone was a bit audacious. "Hlavacz?"

That was just too forward for Niles. His smile disappeared. An eyebrow arched in surprise and then shook his head, "I'd rather not say."

It wasn't _that _easy to break through his protective armor.

"Oh, sorry…" she said quietly, trying to atone for her boldness. "I was just curious… it was on your form too."

Conveniently, at that unsettling moment, a waitress appeared with Niles' drink and Audrey placed her order.

"We should have asked her to light the candle," Niles fussed. "It gets dark so much sooner now that autumn is here. But then, we have been lucky that we haven't had too much rain lately."

__

"I've got to think of something more interesting to talk about other than the weather," he bemoaned to himself. "She's going to get bored and leave and then - "

"So… you work at the university, Niles?" 

Niles just looked at her in mild astonishment again. He really didn't know what to make of this woman.

__

"What else does she know about me?" he thought.

"I'm sorry! That must sound terribly nosy of me again! I didn't mean to pry, but it was on your form, as well… and I couldn't help but notice. At least… I recognized the phone number. We do a lot of business with the faculty… the office being so close and all… and besides you mentioned back in the office that you did a lot of reading… I just put two and two together and… So, umm, are you new?"

He could hear her breathe an anxious little sigh.

__

"Could it be that she is just as frightened of what seems to be happening as I am?" he wondered.

He began to scrutinize her face more carefully, looking for signs that would help clear up his confusion. 

__

"She seems awfully interested in learning as much as she can about me," Niles ruminated. "Could it be possible that she has more than just a friendly interest? No, this is ridiculous! The woman's probably just naturally sociable. She more than likely has a husband and four kids!""

"Yes, I just started this semester. I moved up here from Seattle." he replied cautiously.

"Is that so!" Her voice seemed positively relieved that he wasn't too upset by her brazen blunder. "My mother lives in Seattle! Maybe you have heard of her? Martha Brightman? Well, truth is, she lives in Bellevue now. I was born in Bellingham, though."

__

"If her mother's name is Brightman as well, that means that it isn't likely she's married," Niles noted. "**What am I doing?** – making a **play** for her! 

****

Stop that this instant! Just have a normal conversation with her."

"No, sorry, I don't think that name is familiar," Niles responded. "But Seattle is such a big place. That's one of the things that I am learning to enjoy about Bellingham – it's a good-sized city, but it isn't overwhelming like Seattle. Even the downtown area seems manageable."

"You live downtown, do you?" Audrey asked.

"Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I do," Niles said proudly. "I bought the Canfield House just a few blocks from here. "

"The Canfield," her voice reverberated in awe. "That is a _spectacular_ house! I've loved it ever since I was a little girl."

"_Really_?" Niles laughed. "Well since you're a native of Bellingham, you probably can tell me more about my house than I could!"

"Well, I could tell you a thing or two about the scandals that have reportedly happened there!" she replied delightedly. "First, did you know, they say that there is a ghost living in the attic…"

The waitress glided up, lit their candle and placed Audrey's coffee in front of her, departing as silently as she had come. Niles began to relax again and revel in the luxury of this moment. He found that he liked talking with Audrey. She was intelligent and had a quick wit about her. Their conversation drifted along in the cozy atmosphere of the early evening. The sultry sounds of the jazz music from the café spilled out onto the patio. The flickering flame of the candle sent playful patterns of shadow and light dancing across Audrey's face. She had an easy manner that Niles found himself envying. Her infectious laughter was like a tonic to his burdened soul. Niles found himself wishing this time would never end. It was like an ephemeral jewel of mellowness to be treasured in the sad pressured rush his life had become lately. 

__

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The alarm on Niles' watch rudely interrupted, reminding him that it was approaching 8:00 o'clock and his glasses needed to be picked up.

"Sorry! I guess I'd better be off," he drained his cup and picked up his valise. "The store closes at 9:00. The sooner I start wearing my glasses, the sooner I will rid myself of these headaches."

"Would you object if I came along?" she said as her eyes opened wide with anticipation. "I'm curious as to what type of frame you would select. And… and I may be able to be of some assistance to you with the adjustment. After all, no one knows spectacles like an optometrist! Those store attendants are just amateurs."

Niles was somewhat startled again at her cheekiness, but he had to admit that he was certainly not displeased with her continued company.

He wanted to find out more about her… and she seemed to want to actually _be_ with him!

"Well… well I… I guess when you present such a logical argument I can't see how I can say no. Shall we go?"

They strolled along together, discussing the pros and cons of moving into an older home. 

"When I moved into my converted cottage by Lake Whatcom I found a whole family of raccoons living in the attic!" Audrey exclaimed. "It took forever to evict them! I was about to give up and charge them rent, they were there so long!"

"That's terrible! Didn't you have _anyone_ to help you get rid of them?" Niles asked still surreptitiously digging for information.

"No, that's one of the disadvantages of living by yourself! No one to help you toss out unwanted houseguests!"

__

"Hmm… now I know she lives on her own," he thought.

"I know what you mean," Niles agreed. "I have to do the same for myself when _my_ family comes to visit! The perils of living alone! But there are advantages too – you don't have many dishes to wash!" 

He watched her facial expressions carefully and noted that she had picked up on his _not so subtle_ clue as to his own status.

"And you never have to arm wrestle anyone for control of the remote control," Audrey giggled nervously. Niles arched his eyebrow at her comment. "Hmm… although I don't picture you as the type of person who would act so… impolitely… oh, here's the shop," she hastily added as she opened the door of the store. "Now let's see how those bifocals look on you."

Niles paid for his purchase and after what seemed like an interminable length of time, in which the all-together _too perky_ store clerk fidgeted with his frames, Audrey gave them her _official _seal of approval and they exited the store.

"I think they look very good on you," she said with a characteristic touch of audacity that Niles was beginning to appreciate. "You look very handsome, very professorial!"

Niles smiled shyly. "Thank you." It had been quite a while since anyone had called him handsome. Inside he felt a warmth he hadn't experienced in a long time. He rode that blissful feeling for all it was worth. It felt good.

"Well, here we are," Audrey broke into his thoughts as they walked up to their cars. They were finally back at the now deserted parking lot. "This was really such a pleasant way to finish the day, just talking to you. I enjoyed it _immensely_… Niles."

"Well… _thank you_, again," even Niles was surprised by his calm deportment. "It was lovely talking to you too. And thank you for coming with me to the store. I…I enjoyed myself too… _a lot_… Dr… I mean, _Audrey_."

Audrey paused. Both of them seemed to want to hold onto the evening a little longer. 

"Don't… don't forget to make a follow-up appointment, all right?"

Niles wondered whether he should shake her hand good bye_. _

"Would that be considered too formal or too forward? _Oh God! Why doesn't some genius write a book about these sorts of things?" he fretted._

He shifted back and forth uncomfortably between one foot and the other.

"Yes – tomorrow's fine, right?" he muttered almost to himself. He _really_ did want to touch her hand, but he wasn't sure he trusted himself to not start hyperventilating. Talking with her was one thing, but to feel her warm flesh pressed up against his... 

__

"Would it be so wrong?" he justified. "People shake hands every day, right? It's no big deal!"

Niles bit his lip. He felt like a teenager at a school dance. 

"Well, take care driving and I'm sure you'll find that the glasses will make a world of difference. Good night, Niles." 

And with those words, Audrey took a tiny lunge forward and grasped his hand in hers. Niles' eyes leapt up to meet hers. He responded with a firmness in his grip that seemed to surprise her. There was a strength in him that wasn't obvious.

"Yes… _good night_," he repeated. His face briefly flushed with exhilaration. Then he hastily gained control and returned to a more staid manner. 

__

"I guess that went pretty smooth," he thought elatedly. "Well… at least I didn't go completelyapoplectic this time. It seems to be improving."

There was nothing left to do but get in their respective vehicles and drive away. Niles just stood by his car door for a few minutes sorting through his keys. He sensed that Audrey was watching him in her rear-view mirror as she drove down the street.

__

"I wonder if Dr. Audrey Brightman will ever want to talk to Dr. Niles Crane again?" he sighed. "And I wonder if I should go down this path so soon? Was I just getting carried away tonight with the heady feeling of having some female attention lavished on me? Or was it something more?

And if it was – am I ready to take that step? So many questions."

Niles pushed his new glasses up on his forehead and rubbed his eyes. He watched as Audrey's car rounded the corner and disappeared from his view. 

__

"I've got to talk to someone about this," he decided. "I'm getting into the type of unfamiliar territory that I just don't think I can handle on my own. I need input from someone who has experience with these feelings. I've got to call Dad. He'll be able to help. Dad will know what to do. I've… I've got to call him tonight. "

"Hey Frasier, sorry to bother you so late. No, no there's no emergency! Everything is _fine._ Listen, is Dad there? I need to talk to him. No, I don't mind talking to _you_ - it's just that I'd like to talk to Dad right now, all right?

No, I'm _not_ upset with you. Frasier… _Frasier_, can you put Dad on, _please_!

****

OH! LET IT GO! _Just get Dad, will you_!"

Niles took some deep breaths and calmed himself down by the time Martin got on the line. 

"Is Frasier still there? You're in your own room? Good. Listen Dad, I don't know how to say this quite, but I figure you're the only person who would be able to understand… so I'll just come right out and say it. I met someone… yes, a _woman_… _who else_? Anyway, we just had a coffee and talked a bit – nothing more really. What do you mean, _is she pretty_? Well, if you must know - yes, yes she is _rather_ attractive! _What does she do_? She's an optometrist. Well, I met her because I needed to get glasses. Yes, yes… just like my "old man"! _Dad_… getting back to the point… I met this woman… Oh, all right – her name is Audrey…Dr. Audrey Brightman. There, you satisfied? Can we stay on track here, Dad? Well anyway… Oh God! This is so embarrassing to talk about! Don't laugh, all right? How can I say this? Dad, I really enjoyed talking with her tonight! I'd like to see her again but I… I don't know if I'm ready or not yet. How did you know? How did you know when it was time to allow yourself to feel again?"

Niles started crying. He didn't mean to. It was just that sometimes his loneliness overpowered him and got the better of him. He was glad his father waited patiently, without even making one smart crack about "wussies" or "wimps", while he composed himself. He was grateful that when he needed Martin to be at his understanding fathering best, he was all that, and more.

"So… so you felt like this when Mom died? It's natural to be this scared? Really? You did too? How did you handle it? Well, yes, just talking about it with you here _does_ help a lot. Ohh! That's when you and Duke became such good friends. I didn't ever realize… that makes sense now. I know… I know how much Mom meant to you… Yes, I feel that way about Daphne too, Dad. Thanks, thanks Dad. They were both very precious people to us, weren't they?" Niles fell silent for a few moments, thankful that his father took over the conversation for a bit. "But then Sherry came… oh, I forgot… Irene was the first time you went on a date. Yes, Frasier and Daphne did help you out then, didn't they? No, I guess it didn't mean that you loved Mom any less. Uh huh, I know… Yes, that's right… I remember now. And when Sherry came along it happened all over again? That was rough on you wasn't it Dad? Everyone needs some sort of companionship, don't they? Frasier told you _that_? Yes, Mom was very wise… a lot like Daphne really. Daphne said the same thing to me – "I want you to be happy". But do you really think she meant happy in _that_ way? You know this could lead to more than just talking and holding hands. It could involve… Yess… I know that everybody needs… I… I know that se…sex… sex is important. Remember that I'm a psychiatrist – our whole business is about sex! O.K., I'll give you that - we always just _talk _about sex! Yes, yes, I know there _is_ a difference!" 

Niles laughed in spite of himself. It felt good to talk to his father like this. For once the barriers were down. He felt like he was talking to a kindred spirit - someone who knew what he was going through.

"Listen Dad, I think I should go get some rest. It's late and I have an early class tomorrow. I want to thank you again, Dad… No, no, you _really_ have helped. I've got some more things to sort out in my mind, but this has really been beneficial tonight. Dad… Dad… I think I decided that I will see Audrey again. Well, that is, if she wants to, of course! Yes, well, I _think_ she would like that too. I think there might be some attraction there on her part. She seems very tolerant of me. Yes, I know… that _does_ practically make her a _saint_… yes. _Very funny_, Dad. Yes, well, I think I'll take it slow for right now. It's been good talking about this with you. And Dad, you _can _tell Frasier what we talked about tonight… just not _every _detail, all right? Thanks Dad. Good night and… and one more thing… I _love you, Dad_."

Niles hung up the phone and turned out the lights. Suddenly he reached out in the darkness and seized the compass sitting on his nightstand. Tucking it into his pajama pocket he patted it reassuringly and closed his eyes.

A little help from whatever source couldn't hurt. One very lonely Dr. Niles H. Crane was desperate to start living again.

End of Part Four (to be continued)

__


	5. Chapt. 5 : Clearer Vision

****

At the Heart of It All 

by Val McCaffery

Chapt. 5 : Clearer Vision

Niles didn't see Audrey Brightman for another two weeks. By then it was late November and things were winding down on campus as the students headed home for Thanksgiving. 

After classes shut down on the Wednesday afternoon, Niles walked over to her office for his follow-up examination. Even thought it was raining hard and he could have driven, he wanted the "thinking time" which the walk seemed to supply. 

A cold wind had blown in from the bay, whipping the fallen leaves into little cyclones of color on the sidewalks. Niles pulled his coat up tight around his neck and cloistered himself behind his umbrella as he made his way along the slippery streets. A strong wind caught the front door of Dr. Brightman's office and slammed it shut with a _bang _as he entered the waiting room. The few people sitting in the straight-backed chairs raised their heads up in response at the commotion he caused, as if they were almost thankful that _anything_ broke the boredom of reading and re-reading the out-of-date magazines. 

Niles shook out his umbrella, hung his overcoat up on the rack and stiffly sat down to wait his turn. It didn't look like it would be long. There was only one elderly lady, who disappeared into the inner sanctum of the office almost as soon as he sat down, and a father with his six-year old son in front of him. 

__

"Why does that child keep staring at me?" wondered Niles self-consciously. "Has the whole world forgotten to mind its own business?" 

He gave the boy a stern glare and was relieved when the pair were called for their turn soon after. Niles turned his attention to an article in the latest issue of Academic Psychiatry that he had brought with him. But the pages of the magazine might as well been blank for all the concentration that he was willing to apply to that task. Niles had Audrey on his mind and that was all he could handle at the moment.

He had purposely arranged that he be the last appointment of the day so that he could talk to Audrey and maybe even invite her to another cup of coffee with him. It seemed like a simple enough plan. But, while the talk with Martin had given him the courage to _think _about asking Audrey out, it didn't make the actual _asking_ any easier. True to form, Niles had been busy rehearsing every angle of the imagined scenario over and over in his mind all day long. Even now, as he sat just moments away from seeing her face to face, he still was undecided on his exact approach. 

__

"I'll gage it by her reactions when I see her," he thought. "If she still seems interested, then I just say…" How about a cup of coffee"…no

I should try and be cleverer… "Something to warm you up on such a blustery day"… no, that sounds so trite, like something out of "Winnie the Pooh"! How about – "Audrey, I've been thinking"…Oh God! This isn't going so well. Maybe I should just forget the whole… "

"Niles Crane, you can go back now," Marcie, the receptionist, interrupted his thoughts. He could feel her eyes scrutinize him as he passed by the front desk. Niles had a disquieting notion that the doctor and her receptionist had made him a topic of conversation at some time in the past two weeks. Of course this didn't help the level of his anxiety.

__

"Was that a look of pity on her face, or something else? It's so hard to tell…"

Audrey was waiting for him in the hallway, when he came around the corner.

"I'm just going to finish up with Mr. Brazo and Ryan and then I'll be in," she said, indicating with a wave of her arm the room he was supposed to enter.

Niles gave a faintly distracted smile. "There's no rush," he said quietly and sat down in the small room. He began counting the ceiling tiles as a relaxation technique. 

"Twenty-three, twenty-four… God, how _long_ has it been?" Niles quietly grumbled, checking his watch. "Ten minutes! It seems like _much_ – "

"How's everything?" Audrey walked briskly through the door and closed it behind her.

Niles wasn't sure she meant generally speaking or just specifically concerning his new glasses.

"Everything is fine," he said cautiously, arching a tense eyebrow. "How about you? How have you been?"

Audrey let out a slight chuckle as she spoke. "I meant about your new lenses, but _thank you for asking_. Things have been a bit hectic here.

Have you been busy at the university?"

Niles blushed.

__

"Oh God! She was trying to keep this on a professional level and I blew it!" he worried. "I'm just not very good at this sort of thing!"

"Busy… umm, things have been busy," Niles stammered. "Of course, after Thanksgiving, everyone will be gearing up for exams. This is my first experience at…"

"Let's take a peek at those eyes," she interjected, glancing at her watch. "Glasses off, please. Have you had any more headaches?

__

"Damn!" he reprimanded himself. "She's pure business and here you are babbling on like a ninny! Take a hint for once in your life Niles - control yourself and just keep it short and to the point."

"No."

"Any trouble reading?"

"No."

"Even the fine print?"

"No."

"That's great! Now put your glasses back on and start reading the chart. Right eye first…"

When it was all over, Niles sat there like an obedient schoolboy ready for his next instruction. Audrey busied herself for a few minutes making some notes on his chart. Time was running out. Niles' breathing became a bit more erratic. 

__

"What if I've misread the situation? What if she's had second thoughts about me? I bet that's what the receptionist and her were discussing – that's why that woman gave me **that look** when I came in! Oh, God! I don't have a hope, do I? On the other hand, what if I am just imagining all this and she is still interested in me? I should say **something**," he debated. "I can't let this opportunity slip away, like I would have so many times in the past. Sometimes taking a risk can be worth it. Daphne taught me that… "

His heart began to pound and his throat started to constrict.

"So, are you going away for Thanksgiving?" Audrey said in a breezy voice. "Back to Seattle, perhaps? You did say your family lives there."

"Yes… yes, I'm leaving tomorrow morning," Niles coughed to clear his throat. "I'll… be back Saturday night. Didn't… didn't your mother… are you going to visit… I'm… I'm sorry if this seems forward… I was just wondering…"

"Yes," Audrey said coming to his rescue. "You remembered right. My mother does lives in the Seattle area, but she is coming up here this year. I'm looking forward to seeing her, just like I am sure you are with your family. Do you get a chance to see them often?" 

__

"Now all her friendly mannerisms seem to be encouraging me on," he thought. "This is really confusing!"

"Oh, well… yes, often enough, I guess… umm… would-you-like-to- get-a-cup-of-coffee-after-you're-through-here?"

Niles closed his eyes after he rushed out the last sentence. He felt like an ostrich hiding its head in the sand. _"At least I said it! If I don't look at her while she rejects me it won't be quite as humiliating!" _

"Well, thank you for asking me… "

Niles opened his eyes and met her gaze back. 

__

"My God!" he contemplated. "Her eyes are so dark brown… just like those fancy French truffles, the ones that come in their own little paper nests."

"… but… "

Niles' heart started thumping so hard that he thought it was going to pop out of his chest cavity. He squinched his eyes tight to brace himself_. "Here it comes… " _

"… but I have to leave right after work to go pick up my mother at the station. That's why I've been keeping an eye on the time. Her train is due in about fifteen minutes. I'm sorry, I'd _really_ love to – I enjoyed our chat the other night, _so_ much. Perhaps… perhaps we could meet on… on the Sunday, when you get back from Seattle?"

"_Sunday_?" Niles blinked in disbelief. "Sunday… Sunday would be fine. Sunday would be _great_. I'll call you in the afternoon… if… if that's all right."

"I'd _love_ it. Here's my number." 

Audrey took out one of her cards and wrote her home phone number on the back. "Is about "one" good for you?"

"Y... yes, one o'clock is _perfect_." Niles was still in a bit of a stupor, incredulous that things had taken the direction that they had. "We can pick a place when I phone you, if that's all right with you."

"Sounds great, Niles," Audrey beamed. "Well, I really have to be going. _Mothers_ – you don't want to keep _them_ waiting!"

"Yes," he said with a sound of great relief. "I suppose they can be worse than patients."

"You're right on the nose with that!" Audrey grinned. "I'll just see you out and… "

"I'll _see you_ on Sunday," Niles said completing her sentence with a high strung giggle. He was a "Zen Master" at suppressing all kinds of things, but Niles would _never_ be able to hide his absolute bubbly delight when things went well for him. Audrey seemed to find his boyish happiness contagious. She couldn't help but smile broadly at his growing aura of euphoria. 

They reached out at the same time and clasped each other's hands in good bye. Audrey placed her free hand on top of their joined palms, prolonging the gesture. Niles found that this time her touch caused a radiance to tingle through his arm. Could he define this as a _spark of attraction _perhaps?

"Good bye, Niles and have a good time with your family."

"_Same to you_, Audrey," he replied, not wanting her to release his hand. He felt flushed and even a bit giddy. 

The sound of Audrey's cell phone ringing finally broke the spell of the moment. 

It was her mother calling to ask if Audrey was ready to come and get her. Niles took his cue, waved a last good bye, grabbed his umbrella and coat, and slipped away.

The earlier deluge had ended, leaving large pools of water everywhere on the uneven pavement. It took most of Niles' concentration not to fall victim to inattention and spoil his beloved calfskin loafers by giving them an unwanted drowning in the puddles.

As he picked his way through the increasingly more difficult watery obstacle coarse, down the darkening streets back to the campus parking lot, the full impact of what had just happened suddenly dawned on him…

****

HE HAD A DATE!

Niles walked through the headstones like a blind man who instinctively knows his way around a familiar room. In his hand he carried a single rose, blood red in colour. It was identical to the one he had given Daphne the night he first declared his love for her out loud at the Snowball.

__

"Of course, she thought I was only pretending – 'putting on a show for his snobby friends' wasn't that how she worded it later when Donny asked her about it?" Niles remembered with a grimace. 

It still pained him to think back on the long torturous route that he had traveled in order to be by Daphne's side finally.

But it didn't negate the fact that what he said back then, at that dance, was the truth. It would be years before Daphne saw _that _truth, but that was immaterial. Niles' love had always been a constant, even if it had been obscured from both of them, from time to time,

over the years. 

And it was his love of Daphne that guided him still. As he crossed over the manicured lawns of the cemetery Niles noticed a figure at her gravesite. 

"Hello Roz," Niles said as he approached the crouched form. "What are you doing here?"

Roz turned and looked up at him as she set her bouquet of daisies by Daphne's marker. 

"Oh, I visit her too, every once in a while. We all miss her, Niles. She was one of my best friends."

"I know," Niles said with a solemn note in his voice. "She was one of mine too."

"Oooh, Niles, come here," Roz opened her arms up and gave him a short but sincere "welcoming" hug. 

"So – you goin' over to Frasier's? Freddy will be there. And I hear Frasier's bought some kind of gourmet turkey this year. He's having the whole dinner catered by some "big-wig" fancy chef."

"Yes, I'm staying until Sunday morning," Niles explained. "I just wanted to stop off here first." He laid the flower he had brought across Daphne's grave and transferred a kiss with his gloved hand to her memorial tablet. 

"Do you want to be alone?" Roz asked.

"No," Niles replied. "You can stay, if you like. I spend too much time alone as it is." 

He didn't look up as he talked, his eyes fixated on the patch of ground below his shadow. 

"Daphne isn't really in there, you know," Niles said quietly. "She's in here." His hand traveled up his chest to his heart.

Roz nodded in agreement.

Niles sighed. "Still, I like to make sure that they are taking good care of this site. You know, making sure everything is neat and tidy."

A shroud of silence spread over them, as Niles' thoughts meandered through some memories that he usually kept deeply buried.

"How are things up in Bellingham?" Roz said abruptly.

"The work is enjoyable. I really like teaching. It's different than being in private practice. Very busy and just as challenging in many respects." Niles raised his eyes and stared off towards the horizon. "My research is coming along well. I should have another paper published by the beginning of the spring. I'm all settled into the house now, and oh, yes… I met a woman."

"I know," Roz confessed.

"Did Dad tell you?"

"No, I heard it from Frasier. But Martin was the one who told him. He didn't say that much. Just that you had a coffee with someone and you thought that the two of you might hit it off."

"Oh." 

Niles kept peering off into the distance, as if he was expecting the heavens to give him an answer to something. An omen perhaps? Some sort of a divine sign to alleviate the struggle he faced with having to make certain choices. 

Roz noticed his furrowed brow.

"Listen, Niles," she began. "I know it isn't really any of my business, but when has that _ever_ stopped me before – right? Well, anyway, what I'm trying to say is that, well – _it's O.K_."

"O… K.?" Niles dragged the word out so that it sounded like it had four syllables.

"Yeah, it's O.K. Daphne wouldn't mind. You can go out with someone and have a date. She would understand. It's just a casual date – no big deal."

"Roz," Niles said turning to face her. "It _is_ to me. _Everything _is a "_big_" deal to me. And you know as well as I do - there's nothing "_casual"_ about me." 

Roz laughed for a fraction of a second. "All right, all right! I'll grant you that! There is _nothing _"casual" about you! But you know what I'm talkin' about. You can still love and remember Daphne and have a life. Martin told you that. No one is expecting you to become a monk. You're just having a cup of coffee and some fun with someone."

"What if it's _more_ than that, Roz," Niles returned to searching the far reaches of the outlying hills. "What if… "

"Do you think that's what's happening?" Roz was genuinely curious.

"I don't know… yet," he answered with deliberate thought. "Sometimes I get so excited when I am around Audrey... That's her name, Audrey."

"Well, Niles, maybe it's just that you're tired of dating your right hand!" Roz said with a snicker.

Niles' shot her a disgusted look. "Don't be so _crude_, Roz!"

"I just meant that you're a _man_, Niles, and although it may be _arguable_ that you're like _most_ other men, I'd still lay bets that you have your _urges_. That's O.K. too. If you've got an itch – scratch it!

It's completely natural." Roz stated bluntly.

"God, Roz!" Niles said with frustration. "When I said excited, I meant more than just something _carnal_! I mean – there _is _that, but there could be the possibility of something else besides just going out to satisfy the demands of … of my body! I think that… that something else could develop… something deeper. Do you understand?"

"You mean… _love_?" Roz said that last word like she was holding a bit of spoiled food at arm's length.

"Well… maybe… perhaps," Niles exhaled and looked down at his feet. "I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. But then again I may be leaping ahead here. It's probably way to early to tell."

"Have you talked to Frasier about this?" Roz asked with a hint of discomfort. "He's your brother and you two being so close and all." 

"No, I haven't talked to him about it yet but something tells me it will be coming up in our conversations, any day now," Niles said with a nervous laugh. "He _usually_ gets around to commenting about my sex life, sooner or later."

"Tell me about it!" Roz commiserated. "But then _everybody_ thinks that my sex life is fodder for all types of pronouncements!"

Niles smiled, looked at his watch and shook his head. "Well, it's getting late. Dad and Frasier will be wondering where I am. Are you coming over for dinner too?"

"Yeah, I'll follow you in your car. Come on," Roz linked arms with Niles and they headed off to the lane way that ran through Forest Hills. "Oh and by the way, Niles – _love_ the new glasses!"

It wasn't until everyone else had retired for the night that Frasier even brought the subject up. In fact, during dinner it seemed like there was an unspoken truce about talking about anything to do with Niles' "private" affairs. Everything else was discussed in depth – the new article he was writing, how the job was going, whether he should have gone with tinted lenses as Freddy had suggested, and what he had done with the upstairs bathroom. Everything was covered, that is, _except_ his social life.

Finally, after all the dishes had been cleared, after the snapshots of Freddy's last vacation had been looked at and laughed about and neatly filed away, after Martin had groused about the cost of the caterer one last time, the two brothers were left alone in the living room. Frasier offered Niles a nightcap of brandy. 

"Yes, but make it a small one, please," Niles insisted. "I think I drank enough of that stuff in the last year… to fill a bathtub. I've tried to cut back lately."

"That's welcome news, Niles," agreed Frasier. "I was a bit worried about you for a while… back _then_."

"And what about now… now that I have met… Audrey?" Reluctantly Niles decided that he should take the initiative. It was bound to come up in the next few minutes anyway. If he took control of the conversation then maybe he could navigate around the things that he just couldn't deal with at the moment. 

Frasier looked a bit taken back by his forthrightness. "Ah, yes, Auuudreeey." 

Niles rolled his eyes. This was not starting well. He hated the way Frasier elongated the vowels in Audrey's name. 

__

"And so it begins… he's just trying to intimidate me," he huffed to himself. "I'm not in the mood for another one of his 'Frasier knows best' lectures." 

"I think it is a good move for me," Niles stated defensively. "And dad thinks so too."

"Well, Niles," Frasier countered. "Whether it is a wise move or not really depends on how you feel? So the question is – how do you feel about her?"

__

"Oh great! He's putting his 'you're on the couch' act on!" Niles vexed. "Well, two can play at that game, brother!"

"Hard to say really," Niles said, masquerading his incipient agitation with his best analytical psychiatrist voice, as he swirled the brandy in his snifter. "It's really hard to define my feelings at this point in time."

"Why do you think that is?" Frasier persisted.

__

"Damn, I should have known that Frasier wouldn't be satisfied with vague generalities and psycho-babble," _Niles reminded himself. _

"I have only seen her twice and both times I was in the role of being her patient," Niles said. "Nothing really happened. We talked – that's all. It was pleasant and friendly."

__

"I can't believe how calm I sound!" Niles thought. "If only Frasier knew…"

"Are you going to be seeing her _again_?" Frasier raised his eyebrow when he said the word "again".

"Yes, as a matter of fact," Niles confirmed with a façade of composed deliberation. "When I get back on Sunday we have a… well, a date. We're going out for an afternoon coffee. I was thinking of seeing if she wanted to make it lunch, actually."

"And you feel comfortable with that?" Frasier continued.

__

"Will this infernal interrogation **never** end?" Niles felt like screaming at his brother.

"Well," Niles sipped a bit of his drink. His outward poise masked his building inward perturbation. "I like being with her. I _want_ to see more of her, but…"

"But what?" Frasier prodded. 

__

"I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of analyzing me, or my attraction for Audrey!" Niles decided. "I don't need his know-it-all brand of prying into my intimate feelings." 

"Nothing specific really. I guess I am just a little anxious. It's been a while since I have gone out on a date – that's all."

"Could this anxiety be just that you are lonely for _close_ human contact with someone of the opposite sex, Niles," Frasier cautioned.

Niles caught Frasier's implication as he pronounced the word "close". 

"I know, I know," Niles acquiesced. "It's been awhilefor_ that _too. Roz reminded me of that earlier. Of course she put it in her own very _uniquely Roz_ way! May I remind you that I am just going on a date with Audrey, not… not just gratifying my… well, get… getting _bangers and mash _with her!" 

Niles caught himself. Such an overwrought emotional outburst was not what he planned on when this conversation started – and to have a _Daphne-ism_ like that just pop up out of nowhere – it alarmed him all the more. 

__

"I wonder if Frasier will let it slide by. I can't recoup myself without looking like a total emotional basketcase now, if he doesn't." 

There was an uncomfortable pause while each of them decided what to do next. Niles felt like he was entirely at Frasier's mercy.

"Well, um… Niles," Frasier continued a bit taken aback. "Do you know how Audrey feels about you?"

Niles' momentary relief that Frasier had decided to let the _bangers and mash _remarkgo by without comment, was soon overshadowed by the realization that his brother's cross-examination had not ended. There was still a question on the table. 

Niles knew that his control of the situation was rapidly slipping out of his grasp. If this didn't end soon, an emotional freefall was in plain view.

"No," Niles admitted. "All I know is that she likes to be around me enough that she accepted my invitation to meet her for coffee."

__

"That's the truth, really," Niles declared to himself. "But am I so fearful of what I don't know about her feelings, or is it because of what I suspect about my own feelings?"

"Well, then – if that's the case, if it _is_ a mutually casual relationship, then just enjoy her company for now and don't worry about it," Frasier said decisively. "Its probably just what you need right now. You know… social interaction with others, to get back into the swing of things, as they say."

Niles smiled one of his patented _gritty _smiles. 

"All right, Frasier. Thanks. You've been a big help, as usual - "

And with those perfunctory words, Niles rose to his feet to make his escape. 

"But then there's Daphne, in all of this," said Frasier suddenly interjected.

__

"Oh, God!" Niles panicked. "He knows how to hit a nerve!"

Even though it had been almost nine months since the funeral, just the mention of Daphne's name could send Niles into a spontaneous tailspin. 

"Oh, _yesss, Daphne_," Niles took a deep breath and crash-landed on the couch with a decided _plop_. "My dear Daphne… sometimes it seems like a lifetime since she's been gone! I miss her so much, Frasier! Did I show you this?"

Impact was imminent – there was no saving him now. He pulled Daphne's locket, with his wedding ring attached, out of his pocket. 

"Oh, _Niles_," Frasier's voice cracked when he spoke. He rubbed his brother's back. "We all miss her, but I can only imagine what it is like for you."

__

"You could never even come **close** to imagining what I am going through," Niles thought. "Even I can't really define it."

Niles' only external response was to shake his head slowly. All that was left to do was sift through the rubble and morn at the scene of such total destruction.

Frasier patted his brother's hand.

"It's all right, Niles," he reassured him. "We all have our own special way of remembering her."

"No, it's more than that. I carry it _everywhere_," Niles admitted. "If it isn't in my shirt pocket, it is around my neck. Sometimes I think if it wasn't on me, I would stop breathing. It's like my own personal mojo. How can I even go on a date with _anyone_, when I can't _live without this?_"

__

"Can't live without it," he mused. "And can't really live with it, either."

Niles frowned. The truth was starting to enclose around him. He felt like he was smothering. He needed to retreat before complete disaster happened and all his fears were exposed.

"I want… I want… I don't know… I guess I just want things in my life to be normal again," he stammered, gripping the locket until he thought it would surely pierce the flesh of his hand. "But I just don't… I just don't know how to do it. You don't understand… no one does. If anyone ever found out what a mess I really am inside, they'd probably walk – no, make that – _run_ away as fast as they could!"

"Niles," Frasier theorized with a knowingly sympathetic tone. "You _are_ still grieving Daphne's death. That's why things seem so confusing for you. Don't put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to define your entire relationship with anyone in a couple of dates. That's not fair to you, or to anyone you are with. This confirms what I was telling earlier. Give yourself some time. Take it easy – you've got to learn to socialise with people all over again. The important thing is that you are trying – getting out there and meeting other people. It also might not be a bad idea to tell your date something about what you are going through."

"Oh, I couldn't, " moaned Niles. "I… I wouldn't know what to say. And even if I did find the right words, it might end up sounding too needy. The _lonely desperate_ widower… that would just scare any woman off even faster."

"Well, then you'd know that she was the one who couldn't handle it wouldn't you?" Frasier said confidently. "You don't have to expose _all_ your feelings. Just make sure Audrey, or anyone else you are dating, knows that you have been recently widowed that all. Maybe it will help things? Maybe it will help someone understand your situation a bit more? And Niles, don't sell yourself short. All those qualities that Daphne saw in you, well, others could learn to appreciate them too. After Nannette and I broke up, Mom and I had a little chat about learning to love again… "

"Yes," Niles sighed. "Dad told me all about that."

"Oh yes, when you had your little father and son talk on the phone. Well I'm going to give you the same wise words of advice that Mom gave me. Why should you reach out and let yourself live again? _Because I said so and I'm your big brother_!" 

Frasier gave his little brother a bear hug and then stood up.

"Feel any better?" his voice quivering with high hopes.

__

"I guess I'm not the only one looking for a reaffirmation and a zone of comfort," Niles sagely observed. "I think Frasier really needs me to tell him that he is being helpful."

"Well, it's a long journey, Frasier," Niles said with a brave face knowing his _big _brother was earnestly trying to alleviate his anxieties. "Each day I get a little closer to my final destination, I think. Talking to you makes the journey easier."

Frasier seemed satisfied with that answer. 

"That's all we can ask for, isn't it? Time for bed, Niles – off you go!"

And with that Frasier flipped off the lights and head down the hallway.

"Sweet dreams, Niles…"

"Thanks Frasier, good night."

"_Here's hoping," thought Niles as he ambled off down the hall. "Here's hoping that my final destination is something I can live with."_

"So what will it be, dear, inside or out?" Martha Brightman said inquisitively and then tapped her daughter's hand to get her full attention. "Audrey? Are you listening?"

"Wh… what, mom?" Audrey stirred. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"

"I asked if you think we should go outside to wait for the train or stay indoors." her mother restated. "Is there something on your mind? You've seemed a bit distracted all weekend."

"Let's stay in here," Audrey decided. "How about that bench over there? We can still see when the train pulls in and be out in line to get you a good seat in plenty of time."

She took her mother's arm and they strolled over and sat down. When they were comfortable, Audrey continued with their conversation.

"To tell you the truth, I have had something on my mind lately." she confessed with a smile. "It's a man I met recently."

"_Oh_?" said her mother curiously.

"He's _very_ different from anyone I have ever met before." Audrey clarified. 

"Oh," Martha repeated.

"I've only spoken to him a couple of times, but I think he is a very interesting person," Audrey continued.

"Oooh!" 

"_Mom_! Can't you say _anything_ else?" Audrey whispered exasperatedly.

"Well, Audrey, what would you have me say?" Martha smiled. "Where did you meet him?"

"He came in to have an eye exam and get a pair of bifocals," Audrey tittered as she thought back to their first encounter. "He really is quite sweet, kind of shy and nervous, very intelligent and _very_ engaging."

"What's he do for a living?" Martha's protective _mother_ instincts kicked in. "Is he _gainfully_ employed?"

"Oh, yes, quite _gainfully_," Audrey teased back. "He's a doctor of psychiatry. He's teaching at Western University. He was just hired this term." 

"You said you talked to him a couple of times," her mother reminded her. "Have you two been out on a date?"

"No, the other time was when he came back for his follow-up," Audrey's eyes brightened. "But we are meeting for coffee this afternoon. Does that count?"

"Well, if you aren't getting _paid_ to look into his eyes and you had to make arrangements to see him – then yes, yes it does qualify as _a date._ So where are you two going?"

"I don't know – we agreed to decide on a place once he gets back from Seattle," Audrey tried to make her voice seem breezy and casual. "His family lives there."

"Has this fellow got a name?"

"Yeeesss," Audrey laughed, remembering the fuss he made about his _title_ when she first met him. "It's Dr. Niles Crane."

"Sounds British," said Martha. "Wait… Crane… There is a radio talk show shrink with that last name in Seattle… are they related?"

"I don't know," Audrey professed. "Perhaps? I'll have to ask him when I get a chance."

"So his family lives in Seattle. We're practically neighbours!" Martha said with a smile. "How long has he been in Bellingham?"

"Not too long," Audrey paused thoughtfully. "I think he came to Bellingham to get a fresh start. I think he has been through a rough time recently and he needed a new beginning."

"Woman trouble?" Martha teased. 

"Well, I'm not sure, but I think it has to do with a woman," Audrey said, noting her mother's surprise. "There certainly is a poignancy about him that seems to indicate some heartache in his past… he seems… very… vulnerable… but this is all _very_ highly speculative on my part, Mother. I haven't really discussed any of his private life with him… yet. All I know is that he lives alone. We only just met, really."

"But you'd like to get to know him better?"

"Sure," Audrey confirmed. "There is something about him that just caught my attention. And I think he's interested in me. Sometimes you can just feel it."

Martha looked up and noticed the train pulling into the station. 

"There's my ride. Keep in touch, dear. Give me a call and tell me if this guy is still as charming as you think he is, _after_ you go on your first date."

"O.K. mom," she leaned over and kissed her mother goodbye.

Audrey watched until the train left the depot and then headed back to her car. On her way home she purposely drove out of her way to journey past the Canfield house. 

"No car in the driveway," she noted. "He must still be in Seattle visiting his family. He should be home soon, though. It's almost noon. I better get home so I don't miss his call." She shook her head, "_paid_ to look into his eyes…really, mother! ...Hmm… it will be nice to peruse into those _deep_ blue eyes again, though. Yes, I really want to get to know this Niles Crane _much_ better!"

"Audrey, it's, it's Niles… Niles Crane here."

No matter how hard he tried, his heart always ended up in his throat whenever he began talking to her. Shaken but resolute, Niles plunged ahead. "I was thinking… since it's still early in the afternoon… if you haven't had anything to eat maybe… maybe you would like to go to Stuarts for lunch instead of just a coffee?"

"My _whole_ afternoon is clear. I think that's a wonderful idea!" The delight in her voice was unmistakable.

Niles breathed a sigh of relief. "That's _great_… uhh, is 1:30 too soon?"

"No," Audrey assured him. "I'll meet you out front on the street. See you in a bit then. Bye."

Niles hung up the phone with a certain air of satisfaction. He threw a heavy fisherman-knit sweater over his shirt, wound a long woolen scarf around his neck and headed out the door with a whistle on his lips. He decided to walk the few blocks and figured that Audrey would have had enough time by then to arrive from her place by car.

After all the rain recently, this seemed to be the classic late "fall" day. The air was crisp and had a bit of sharpness to it. Blinding sunshine flooded the streets and the trees were a riot of red, orange and yellow. Occasionally a light breeze stirred up the leaves that had accumulated in little piles in the nooks and crannies of the cityscape.

There wasn't a cloud in the sky. All nature seemed to be in empathy with at least _one _man's desires. Niles had a good feeling inside.

Stuarts was just the locale for a relaxed afternoon meal. There was a comfortable atmosphere about the place, with its Persian rugs and its plush, overstuffed chairs. Another unique feature was an internal balcony area that looked down into the main café and offered a splendid view of the waterfront if you got a window table.

(Here the link to take look at the real "Stuarts" - http://whatcom.kulshan.com/Washington/Whatcom/Bellingham/Restaurants/Stuarts.html)

When Niles came within view of the block of buildings he could see Audrey sitting on one of the street benches by the door of Stuarts. Her head was bowed and she was reading a paperback book, her leather jacket drawn tightly around her tiny physique. As if she somehow "sensed" him, Audrey looked up as Niles approached. She smiled with warm recognition and cached the book in her bag. 

"What 'cha reading?" Niles cheerfully asked. He was in a buoyant mood.

"Oh, something by Spinoza," Audrey said instantly half-embarrassed at the pretentiousness of it all.

"Well, that's all right for _light_ entertainment," Niles joshed. "But what are you going to do when somebody wants to discuss philosophy?" 

They both giggled at their silliness.

"Shall we go inside?" Niles offered. 

They made their way through the main floor to a more secluded spot above. It was unusually sparsely populated, so getting a prized window seat was no problem.

At first they talked about their respective visits with family. Audrey divulged that her mother had recently had heart surgery and was happy to be getting back on her feet and able to travel more. Niles learned that although Audrey had been born and raised in Bellingham, her parents had moved to the Seattle area when she was in high school. Her father, who was employed in the telecommunications industry, had received a promotion that required them to relocate. They remained there while Audrey came back to her hometown to go to college at Western Washington. Her mom stayed in Bellevue, even after her father died, six years ago. Audrey was an only child, but there were a few aunts and uncles whom lived in various locations in the northwest, including Seattle. 

Niles sat quietly listening at first, absorbing every detail that Audrey revealed. He watched her with delight as she talked, enjoying how her hands waved about in animation when she got excited, how she tipped her head back when she laughed, or how she even held her fork or chewed her food. The more they talked the more Niles began to feel at ease in her presence. 

Naturally, she was also curious about his background and when it came time to talk about his family history, Niles was cautious in the beginning, but as the afternoon passed, he began to open up more. He regaled her with tales of his early years with his brother, of Martin being a cop and Hester inspiring him to be a psychiatrist as well. Niles told her about going off to Yale and Cambridge and coming home to Seattle to do his residency. He conveniently neglected any references to his personal relationships, but in every other regard the palaver flowed easily. Time past. Eventually most of the lunch patrons had left. The evening's entertainment, a pianist and saxophone player, arrived to rehearse their repertoire. The mournful wails of the sax floated up to the table where Niles and Audrey sat, adding to the mellow ambience. The waitress came and cleared their plates and more coffees were ordered. Since business was slow this late Sunday afternoon, no one seemed particularly to mind the two of them lingering and they were left pretty much undisturbed, except for the occasional inquiry by the staff to make sure they didn't feel totally neglected. It all seemed to be going almost _too_ smoothly.

Then the conversation took its inevitable course. Audrey professed that she had never made time for any permanent commitments in her personal life sadly. 

"What… what about you?" she asked hesitantly.

Niles shut his eyes and devoured a rather large gulp of coffee. That bought him about a ten second delay, while he searched madly for the right way to say what he could no longer evade. 

"I've been married before," Niles said apprehensively, testing the emotional waters. Another hesitation, and then he hurled himself into the emotional abyss. "Three times… in fact." 

The words felt like large stones being tossed into a deep well when they came out of his mouth. Niles could almost hear the _splash_ as they hit the water of Audrey's consciousness. He couldn't look her at her face and an uncomfortable silence fell over the table. He turned his cup around in his hands several times nervously. Audrey waited for him to continue. Niles rubbed his fingers over his mouth and looked towards the ceiling as he sighed. This wasn't an easy conversation to have but…

"Please go on," Audrey finally said after what seemed like _forever_. "I'm _sure_ you wanted to say something more."

"Well, yes… I do," Niles reduced his voice to almost a whisper. "The first two… they were mistakes. One, the blame can be equally shared, the other was _entirely_ my fault."

Audrey acknowledged his words with a brief nod. 

__

"It seems so strange summing up nearly twenty years of my life with so few of words," Niles thought. "For all those many days and nights, it doesn't add up to much."

"And the third marriage?" Audrey asked calmly. 

"The third," Niles' voice splintered, in spite of his efforts to keep things under control. "The third… wasn't a mistake in _any_ sense of the word. It was the _most_ correct thing I ever managed to do. But she's gone now… She died… of cancer." He stopped, unable to continue any further.

Audrey extended her hand out to touch his. Niles gripped onto her fingers instinctively, like a person stretching out for a helping hand to keep from falling out of reach.

"Is that _her_ picture you carry in that locket?" Audrey queried.

Niles shook his head yes, but didn't say anything.

"How long ago did she die, Niles?"

"It will be nine months in two days… nine long months ago," he said as he gasped for air.

"How long were you together? 

"A lifetime for me, three years for both of us." 

He felt like he was serving his heart up on a platter. Niles watched Audrey's face closely for a reaction. There wasn't any true understanding of his cryptic response but she did seem to accept his statement at least.

"How did you know about the locket?" Niles suddenly asked.

"That day when I caught up to you at Café Toulouse I saw you looking at it. I didn't mean to intrude but I just had to speak with you."

Niles withdrew his hand slowly from hers. 

"And now… are you sorry you did?" 

"Not at _all_, Niles," Audrey said earnestly.

"I'm not exactly "undamaged goods" you know," Niles disclosed. "I still am trying to find my way through things."

"We all are _works in progress_, so to speak," Audrey reassured him. 

Niles looked up into her eyes. Although she didn't look, sound or even move like Daphne, there was an intangible quality of compassionate awareness about her that reminded him of his beloved. He saw clearly now why he was so attracted to Audrey. It was also what scared him so.

She reached out and took his hand again. This time, in spite of his fears, Niles didn't let go. His need for someone to talk to at that moment was just too overwhelming. 

"Let's go for a walk," he said. "I've got some things to tell you about Daphne…"

End of Part Five (to be continued)


	6. Chapt. 6 : Moonshadows

****

At the Heart of It All 

by Val McCaffery

****

Chapt. 6 : Moonshadows 

__

Briiiiing! Briiiiing! Briiiiing!

The telephone at Niles' bedside jangled harshly. He peeled back the duvet from around his face and opened a bleary eye. 

__

"Is that really the phone I hear ringing on… on… what day is it exactly… Saturday? Yes, that's right, it's Saturday." 

The intense morning sunshine flooded his bedroom. There was a crackle of coldness to the surrounding air. Niles suddenly wondered if the antique furnace, usually chugging up a storm in the basement, had gone out again. 

__

"Or maybe it is just an indication of how really cold it is," Niles thought sleepily. "All the more reason to stay in this lovely, cozy bed." 

He pulled the warm down covering back over his face to block out the invading glare. Staying up late into the night in his cramped campus office, marking student papers and preparing yet another faculty committee report, had made Niles particularly unprepared this day to be an early riser. 

__

Briiiiiing! Briiiing! 

Niles reached out and clutched at the offending instrument with a firm but desperate grasp. At least if he answered it, that horrific noise would cease. 

"_Helllooo_?" he said somnolently.

"_Niles_!!! Isn't it _fantastic_?" Audrey's clear voice jumped with excitement.

"Mmmm… what's fantastic? Niles mumbled.

"The snow, silly!" Audrey enthused. "We haven't seen snow like this in Bellingham in the first week of December since the early 90's! There must be four inches on the ground already and it's still snowing! The weather report said we'd have six inches by the end of the day. I was just thinking about you and thought we should take advantage of a day like today – go skiing or something like that! What do you say?"

Niles rubbed his eyes to help them focus. He sat up in bed and squinted out through the bay window to his right. He knew he was further north of Seattle, but he didn't expect to see what greeted his eyes.

A thick blanket of snow from an early December cold snap covered the ground. Snow clung to every tree twig and crevice, covering a multitude of muddy early winter sins. It looked like the yummy icing on one of the _extra_ special cakes from Seattle's Le Chatel bakery on Fifth Avenue. The type of cake that a certain sympathetic mother used buy her sons when they were feeling particularly blue because none of the other kids would come to their literary themed birthday parties. 

Niles laughed. "Yes, yes it is wonderful looking, Audrey and _good morning to you too_! We never got snow like this in Seattle. Umm… what _time_ is it?"

"It's about 9:30. Why?" 

Niles stifled a yawn, delaying his response. 

"Riiiiiiight," Audrey said suitably chagrined. Niles could feel her blush even over the phone lines. "I woke you, didn't I? I am soooo sorry!

I guess I got carried away. But you know I really am right. We shouldn't waste a day like this! There's a great walking trail that isn't too long around Lake Whatcom near my place. It would be perfect for cross-county skiing. You do ski, don't you? I could make something for us to eat afterwards. Do you like Italian food?"

Niles looked over at his briefcase, bulging with a landslide of paper, uncharacteristically dumped on the floor in a corner of the bedroom, a palpable testament to his previous night's weariness. Getting together with Audrey certainly sounded _much_ better than perusing the mediocre ramblings of mostly over-reaching students. 

__

"It would mean I would have to work double hard to catch up before the marking deadline, but I could do it," he told himself with determination.

"That sounds… great, Audrey," he said with a hint of hesitant guilt. "Umm, I have done a _bit _of skiing, although never cross-country. Do you know any place I can buy the proper equipment?"

"Don't worry about that, there's a store that rents all sorts of sports gear near the park. I'm sure we can find you a suitable pair of skis and everything else you'll need this afternoon."

"_Rent_? You mean I would have to wear boots that someone _else_ had…"

"_Niles_," Audrey interrupted. "Relax! Just wear extra thick socks! You'll _never_ know the difference. _Trust me_!"

"All right, if you say so," pouted Niles. "But let it be on your head if I develop some type of foot fungus and…"

Audrey's laughter drowned out his dissertation on the evils of bacteria. "_Niles!_ It will be all right. How's noon sound?"

"Noon sounds just fine," Niles replied with good-natured resignation.

"Don't forget to bundle up warm," she reminded him and then added, "and Niles… again, I'm sorry I woke you up. But this will be well worth it. I promise! I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Forgive me?"

"Of course," he said the corners of his lips instinctively turning up into a smile at the heartfelt apologetic sound of her voice. "I had to get up anyway. You did me a favour really. I'll be at your place by noon. I'll… I'll bring a bottle of wine for the meal. Bye now."

Niles set the phone back in its cradle. A look of sudden realization crept across his face.

__

"She was thinking about me…"

His exposed feet tingled as they came in contact with the bare planks of the wooden oak floor. He threw his robe around his shoulders and wandered downstairs to set the coffee maker and slice up a bagel for breakfast.

__

"She was actually thinking about me…"

A fortuitous giggle escaped from his lips. 

He made a half-hearted attempt to read an essay while he ate, but his concentration just wasn't where it should have been. His mind was stuck on a mental picture of Audrey picking up the phone and dialing his number. A warm feeling began to spread throughout his body. He closed his eyes and let the sensation overtake him. 

__

"She said she was thinking about me. She said that she couldn't… how did she put it? That she couldn't think of a better way to spend a Saturday…those were her words… hmmm." 

The grandfather clock in the hallway chimed out 10:30, reminding him that if he was going to be on time, he needed to get ready. Niles put the breakfast dishes in the washer and bounded lightly up the stairs to the bathroom. He shrugged off his dressing gown and climbed into the tub. As the steamy water of the shower splashed over his body, his mind began to wander. 

Since that Thanksgiving weekend they had got together another couple of times, but it was still very casual and he hadn't even given her so much as even a goodnight peck on the cheek. They had gone to see Mozart's Cosi Fan Tutte at the Mount Baker Theatre, when the San Francisco Opera's touring company had come to town. But she met him out front and had bought her own ticket. Sure, they went for a drink afterward, but while they were at the bar some friends joined them and the direction of the conversation took a decidedly non-personal, "opera-loving" discussion type of a turn. Another time she had invited him along to see the Bellingham Theatre Guild production of "Our Town". Audrey said she had an extra ticket and thought he might like to go. A friend of hers had a role in the play. They met up with "Chuck", her friend from the past, and a few other cast members over lattes at an all night coffee bar near the theatre after, but once again she left on her own at the end of the evening. Niles actually felt a bit uncomfortable at that one – they all seemed to know each other from high school and he remained rather quiet throughout the evening. Audrey tried to draw him out, but Niles just felt out of place and preferred to sit back and observe her as she chatted with her old pals. He did notice that she kept glancing over at him and at one point, in front of all of the rest, she reached out and held his hand for a moment, when the topic of loss of a loved one came up. 

__

"At any rate," Niles thought, "I have yet to be alone with Audrey on a date. This will be the first time really. _I **do** want to be with Audrey. I enjoy when we are together. But in spite of all the good advice that Dad, Frasier and even Roz have given me, I still feel…so, so unsure of myself. I just don't know if I am prepared to handle what lies ahead."_

Niles felt a hard cold feeling of trepidation in the pit of his stomach. He tried to quell the rising turmoil from spreading any further, but he knew if would be a difficult battle. 

__

"So far we have just been getting to know each other, as friends – taking it slow, like I promised myself. Am I ready for more than that? This will be the first time that I've been invited over to her house. We'll be alone… not in a public place... just the two of us. There will be food and wine and… and maybe candlelight and… Oh God! What if she expects me to be… be more than a friend tonight? What if she is ready for something more in a relationship? Am I? My body wants me to explore those possibilities but…but what about my heart?" 

He shut off the taps and stood in the tub. For a brief moment the cocoon of the shower seemed almost comforting, hiding him from… 

Niles shivered, but not from the cold. He pushed those frightful thoughts away. He was determined not to let anything spoil this afternoon. They would probably just have a great time skiing and then enjoy a wonderful meal of pasta. Companionship was what he needed right now and Audrey was certainly good company. 

"Don't make _too_ big of deal about this!" Niles chided himself out loud. "Like Frasier said, I don't have to answer all the questions at once. Audrey doesn't have to know _everything_ that is going on in my head. I've already told her that I was recently widowed, like Frasier suggested. I'll just take my time and see… and enjoy the moment. This is what your are supposed to do when you move on with your life, right? Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero! That's the spirit!

And with that little pep talk ringing in his ears Niles got dressed and left. 

"Look out!" called Audrey, but it was too late. 

Nile rounded the bend in the path a bit too quickly and promptly proceeded to topple over, ending up in a tangle of legs, arms, poles and skis. He wasn't badly hurt, but he definitely needed help extracting himself from his current predicament, nevertheless.

"Niles, are you all right?" Audrey inquired as she skied quickly over to his side. 

He tried to get up on his own but ended up crossing his skis, which resulted in him going "ass-over-tea-kettle" again, this time face first into a snow bank. Despite her sympathy for his heroic efforts to right himself, Audrey found herself giggling until she could barely breathe. 

"Well, I would be a lot more _right, _if you would cease and desist with the snickering, _thank you_!" Niles sputtered as he rolled over on his back while spitting the snow out of his mouth. Large flakes clung to his long lashes and eyebrows, sparkling in the late afternoon sun. This only served to accentuate the more comic aspects of his dilemma for Audrey. 

"Relax, Niles," Audrey said stifling another laugh. "It isn't as if anyone you know will see you. We haven't met another soul all afternoon. You'd think this little bit of snow was a blizzard, the way the park has been abandoned. But as long as you aren't really hurt, I'll try to be more sensitive to your wounded ego." 

She bit her lip in a valiant effort to keep her promise. He scowled at her. 

"I'm sorry… here, let me give you a hand, Niles."

Audrey reached out and proffered him her arm. Niles clutched desperately at her offering and succeeded in tugging a bit too hard until Audrey lost her balance and tumbled down on him. 

"Niles! Don't pull so hard!" Audrey shouted, as she ended up in a contortionist-like position on top of him. "Take it easy!"

Niles' indignation and frustration gave way to another type of agitation as he felt the weight of her prone body against his. Their faces were so close he could see a tiny bead of melted snow, as it slowly trickled down her cherry red lips and got lost in the crevice of her mouth. He could feel the moist warmth of her breath brush up against his flesh as she spoke. 

"Niles…I… I'm sorry," she said, her voice crackling with intense emotion. "I… I didn't mean to… to –"

But Niles didn't let her finish. He tilted his face up, just ever so slightly and kissed her. Hesitantly at first, but when she didn't draw back, he finished with a hungry flourish. 

When he opened up his eyes, hers were there to meet him, staring right back with a look that invited more. But before he could respond to that enticement, she pushed his glasses up, swooped down and kissed him. Full on the mouth - hard. Niles closed his eyes and felt like he was floating. The sensual taste of her in his mouth, the erotic smell of her perfume, the increasing heat from the flush of their cheeks, all propelled him along on a fervid wave. He frantically freed his hands from their ski pole shackles and pressed his arms into the small of her back. The pressure of her body sent billows of pleasure surging though him. She brought her fingers up to his face, stroking his cheeks delicately as she continued to caress him. Niles moaned and pulled her tighter into him, running his hands up and down her spine slowly. He felt intoxicated, his lascivious urges overriding any thought of social proprieties. For once Niles didn't care what any errant passersby would think of two middle-aged people displaying their lust out in public. He wasn't even really sure there _was_ an outside world, at this point in time. It seemed as if Audrey and he were in a universe by themselves. When they broke apart with a gasp, the moment just hung in air, like a fragile crystal ornament ready to shatter at the first touch of reality. Audrey flicked away the remaining snow from his face and smiled. The sunlight was rapidly fading. The five o'clock shadows stretched out along the deserted trail, creeping ever closer to them where they lay on the frozen ground.

"Niles… I… I –"

He shushed her gently by placing an icy finger up to her lips. 

"Shhh, don't say a word," he whispered, desperately trying to hold on to the ebullience that had overtaken him. "Please?"

He closed his eyes and intuitively found her lips again. He could hear her breathing quicken as he prolonged his kiss with probing eagerness. That tingling feeling of weightlessness enveloped him again. It was almost unbearably delicious. He hadn't felt like this in such a long time. Niles wanted it to last forever. Audrey's weight crushed against his chest as she fervently slipped her hands beneath the hood of his parka and fondled his hair affectionately. Even through all of his clothing, he was sure she could feel his swelling stiffness, hard evidence of the carnal cravings she aroused in him. He didn't care that she knew – he wanted her to. But mainly he just _wanted_… 

The sun slipped beneath the horizon. The lengthening shadows finally overtook their position. It was just then that he felt a pinch of hard metal press into the flesh about his throat. 

Niles bolted upright with such a force that Audrey nearly fell backwards herself as she sat up. 

"Niles?" she asked in shock. "What's the matter?"

"Wh… what are we doing?" he stuttered. "What am I _doing_? My God!

How can this be hap… happening to me? This isn't _right_! She'll know."

He tore at his skis, ripping at the bindings and flung them aside. His uncontrollable torrent of passionate impetuosity dissolved as quickly as it had arisen. Niles felt the flush of shameful guilt. He turned away from her worried glance and rubbed his eyes furiously.

"Oh, God… I can't… I'm such a _fool_ to let this happen!" he lamented. 

As Audrey proceeded to try and calmly remove her own equipment, her voice trembled as she spoke.

"Niles, we weren't doing anything wrong. Please try and relax and calm down. I thought both of us were okay with what was happening just now. Tell me what is bothering you. Was it something I did?"

"**No**!" he shouted and then realizing his strong response had alarmed her, he implored, "No, no, no… please don't think that you did _anything_ wrong. It's me… it's all… it's **all** my fault."

He sighed and sagged a bit, sitting back into the snow bank, like someone had just knocked the wind out of him. 

Audrey picked up her skis in one hand and stood up.

"Come on," she stated quietly. "The sun's gone down. Let's go somewhere there is more heat and light and talk about this. My home is just over that hill a ways."

Niles didn't say a word, just looked up at her in the dusky light, gathered his things and followed after her. In fact, he didn't say anything at all until later, as they were trudging through the snow along the path to her house. 

"Audrey," Niles eventually said as he cleared his throat. "Audrey, I'm sorry for the way I behaved back there. I don't know if I will be able to tell you what is wrong. I… I have such a difficult time with it… I'm just so afraid… " 

"Afraid of what?" Audrey's voice showed genuine concern. "Afraid of… me?"

"No," Niles said thoughtfully. "I don't think so… I don't really know if I can find the right words to tell you of just what I am afraid of exactly… I haven't actually been able to face _that_ monster yet."

"All right," Audrey said with kindly determination. "It's getting cold and late so we'll just set that conversation aside. Let's just go back to my place, have some dinner and see where it goes from there."

Niles didn't answer. He fell back a step or two and completed the rest of the journey in silence. He watched Audrey striding ahead of him, her skis in her hand. She seemed quite willing to give him some space and let him be alone with his thoughts. 

__

"It's not to hard to imagine that she also has some things to mull over in her own mind about me right now, after my antics back on the trail there," he conjectured. "She's probably thinking that I'm a total neurotic, more in likely! And she'd be right!! One minute I'm Hugh Hefner, virtually pushing my tongue down her throat and then the next, I'm a blithering idiot, tossing her aside as if she were yesterday's newspaper! Great style, Niles! No wonder you've always been such a hit with the ladies! It is all so hopeless! I should just get out before any more damage is done and I scar her for life!" 

Niles looked up into the sky as he walked. The snow had stopped and the crisp winter air bit through the darkening evening. The light of the rising moon cut a swath of brightness across the ghostly, cold terrain. He could feel it tracking him – like a searchlight exposing his soul. In the far distance, Niles could hear some dogs howling… or were they wolves? Niles hurried his step slightly and came up parallel to Audrey. 

__

"No use getting eaten just because you made an ass of yourself," he thought.

Audrey glanced over at him as he suddenly reappeared by her side and pointed to a house in the distance. 

"It's just up there - my house, that is. You can see the lights we left on."

Niles nodded his acknowledgement, but remained mute. 

He still had plenty to contemplate and he had a feeling his time was running out.

Audrey flipped on the lights in the kitchen and closed the back door, as Niles propped up their skis against the wall. 

"Why don't you get a fire started in the living room and I'll get dinner going." Audrey's voice sounded a bit strained. 

__

"This couldn't be easy on her," Niles thought. "She has no idea what is going on here really. All she knows is that I am acting completely psychotic. She probably wishes she had never phoned me this morning. I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see me again…"

"You can hang you coat up on the rack over there and there's wood in the – "

"Audrey, wait," Niles interjected. "I don't want to appear rude, but under the circumstances don't you think it is best if I… if I just leave?" 

"Why?" she said succinctly, "Why should you leave, Niles?"

"Because I've caused enough trouble and… and I, " Niles looked down at the floor as he spoke. "I just don't want to… to worsen the situation, that's all."

"Niles, you are cold, hungry and I dare say, not at your best right now. I don't understand what is going on here exactly, but I do know a warm meal wouldn't hurt. Stay at least long enough to have something to eat."

"Well, I don't know," he said reluctantly. "I just don't think I would be very good company… I just don't - "

"Please, Niles?" she pleaded. "I can't force you to stay but please reconsider. I promise, I won't say a word, if that is what you want. Just stay and eat… please."

Niles looked up into her face at those words. He could see she was deadly serious. How could he deny her request now? 

"We'll just have some food and then you can go, okay?" she confirmed. "Now go start the fire to warm this place up and I'll start making the sauce."

"All right," Niles said quietly. He turned to go out to the living room.

When he had taken two strides, he stopped and looked back. Audrey was still rooted to the same spot, with an anxious look on her face and he could have sworn he saw a tear in her eye. 

"Audrey," he said slowly.

"What is it Niles?" she responded more calmly than she looked, but Niles could feel the tension in her voice.

"Thank you," he replied and he walked into the other room.

"I'm done with the dishes, Niles. How's the fire doing?" Audrey asked, with a tone of hopeful cheeriness, as she rounded the corner into the living room. 

She had done quite a lot of thinking as they trudged back to her cottage that night through the snow. She had decided that it was important that they face some issues head on, no matter how painful it may seem. It was for her sake as much as it was for Niles'. She had to clarify their feelings for one another and it seemed like things had come to a definite crisis point on the trail that afternoon. 

__

"I don't like running away from things," she thought. "I want candor, not confusion, as a starting point of this relationship – if there is going to be one." 

She was glad that she had convinced him to stay for dinner at least. True to her word, she had let him eat with only a minimum of conversation. It was like walking on eggshells. He had been polite, but very subdued during the meal. Now that he had some food and wine in him, she optimistically held out to the possibility that he felt a bit more like talking about what was bothering him so much. 

She strategically had shooed him out of the kitchen about 20 minutes ago and told him to replenish the fire. Her expectation was that this would give him enough time for some introspection and she could then coax him to open up a bit to her. 

"Is there enough wood?" she continued. "It's still pretty cold in here. I've got more if we need it in the back room and – "

She stopped short. Niles was sitting on a low footstool in front of the fireplace. In one hand he held the poker and was jabbing at the logs with a distracted persistence. His other hand supported his head, his long fingers propping up his forehead. He didn't look relaxed. He looked troubled, very troubled indeed. Audrey sighed. Her strategy wasn't working. This was definitely a man burdened by a great many demons. She would have to take the initiative, but what was the best way to do this? She had a feeling he was extremely vulnerable at this moment.

"The coffee's almost ready, Niles. It might help warm us up too."

Niles turned towards her, as the sound of her voice finally registered in his consciousness.

The blaze of the fire filled the room with a mellow radiance, contrasting sharply with the strain on his face. 

"I'm sorry," he said. His voice was rent with a raw, open wound quality. "Did you say that that you needed some help?"

She could tell he had been crying. 

"No, I just wanted you to know that I put some coffee on," Audrey answered tenderly and came up and sat down beside him. "It will be about 10 minutes. Niles, you didn't eat an awful lot of dinner, did you want some desert? I think I have some biscuits or cookies."

She could see in the amber light that he had opened his shirt a bit and pulled out the chain with his wedding ring and Daphne's locket on it. It wasn't sitting obtrusively on the outside of his pullover, but there was no mistaking that he had extracted it from its hiding place within his clothes and had been looking at it only a short while ago. 

__

"So that's what he felt when he changed course so suddenly this afternoon on the trail," she reasoned. "My God, it must have felt like an injection of pure guilt straight into his heart."

"Niles," Audrey said carefully, "Niles, I can be a pretty good friend, you know. I know you didn't feel like saying anything during dinner but it helps sometimes if you talk things out with someone. If you want to discuss anything, I am a very good listener."

She reached out for his hand, but he drew back. The look of anguish on his face was particularly intense. She knew immediately that it wasn't directed at her – it was one of pure self-loathing.

"Niles, you can't make anything better by keeping things bottled - " she started to say, but he shook his head to stop her.

Then the floodgates opened.

"If you only knew how p…pathetic I am," he said hoarsely. "I don't deserve anyone… it is ridiculous… laughable really. I'm such a mess."

"Niles, you are being much too harsh on yourself."

"No," he said firmly. "You don't understand… Did… did you know 

I stayed married 15 years to a woman, who almost destroyed me, just because I didn't have the courage to tell her that I wanted to leave? I married another woman just to hide from my disappointment in myself – dragged her through an emotional nightmare… made her a bitter person… because I couldn't face up to reality… what a sad joke I am."

He laughed scornfully at himself and continued before she could protest.

"And I waited seven years to tell Daphne, the w… woman I truly loved, how I felt about her. We wasted so much time – we only had three years together as a result. I'm such a coward… really, nothing more than a c…coward."

Niles angrily shook his head. Audrey could see the tears glistening on his weary face in the subdued light of the fire. 

"Niles - " she started to say, but he cut her off again.

"No, don't!" he said abruptly. "_Don't!_ I don't deserve _any_ sympathy. I was the architect of my own misery. If I had spoken up and been honest with Daphne, we would have had so many more years together. Maybe we would have had time to have the children that she wanted – that we _both_ wanted. But I stayed silent, telling myself that I had to wait for the _perfect_ time to tell her. I nearly let her marry someone else and _I actually did_. It was my brother Frasier who had to virtually carry me over the threshold and place her in my arms! I would have let her slip away from me if he hadn't had done that! I'm so pitiful! And just when I thought all my dreams had been answered… just when everything seemed to be falling into place - she d…died. Poetic justice of a sort, don't you think? God's retribution on me for my cruelty and cowardice." 

Noiseless tears slipped down his cheeks. 

Audrey shook her head to negate this assertion, but Niles' brutal self-assessment was just beginning to gather steam. That nameless monster wasn't in hiding any more.

"I'm a dangerous person," he persisted. "I'm a menace to those who dare to get close to me. I'll only end up hurting anyone who is foolish enough to fall in love with me."

"I don't believe that," Audrey quickly said.

They sat there in the darkening room, the silent void enlarging the gap between them. Audrey decided that she should take a different tactic.

"Niles," Audrey said solemnly, "Earlier this evening you said that you were sorry for the way you behaved this afternoon – what did you mean exactly? Were you sorry that you kissed me? What did you feel when we kissed? What did your heart tell you?"

He closed his eyes and swallowed slowly. 

"I felt... I _feel_ _totally_ excited by your presence. _Definitely sexually, _yes, but also by everything else about you too," he uttered cautiously, choosing his words with extreme care. "Oh Lord, _how_ you excite me! I feel _alive_ when I am with you. I feel… I feel more complete than I have felt in a long time. I feel … happy… just by being near you. That's part of the problem_… my_ problem. You stir feelings in me that I _never_ thought I would ever know again. Deep feelings that I thought I could only have for one other person – feelings that I could only have for… for Daphne." 

He opened his eyes and looked into her face. Even in the dying embers of the fire, she could see the dark cerulean blueness of them piercing through the dimness of the room – penetrating into her very soul.

"That's what really scares me so," he murmured quietly. "It's tearing me apart. I _can't_ be unfaithful to Daphne. You see Daphne isn't just a memory for me. She's with me always. I sense her with me every day."

"Is that what you meant when you said 'She'll know' this afternoon on the trail?" Audrey prompted softly under her breath.

Niles didn't acknowledge her question, but continued, "Sometimes, I swear it's like I am just waiting for her to come back from the shopping, or… or that when I go downstairs, she'll… she'll be in the kitchen making tea. I thought that those feelings would dissipate somewhat when I moved, but they haven't. I thought it was living in Seattle, staying in our old apartment, being around all the places we went together. But that's not it at all. It's much more than that! I live in the shadow of her every day. Sometimes it is very comforting but sometimes, like today, it is very frightening. Until I can sort this out, I have no right to drag you along through my torment. I shouldn't try and make you a part of 'Niles' little psychodrama'! No one deserves _that_ kind of punishment."

"But I _am_ a part of it, aren't I?" asked Audrey. "This isn't _just_ happening to you. I have feelings too. I have an emotional stake in this too now! You can't back away from this just based on your feelings alone. You weren't kissing a ghost today, Niles – you were kissing a real _flesh and blood woman_." She grabbed him by the shoulders and held onto him firmly. This time she wasn't going to let him go. "I felt the rush of that exciting moment when we kissed! I wanted you every bit as much as you wanted me. _But it's more than that, Niles!_ I can feel your agony now and it _hurts_ me. I can't stand idly by and watch you in so much pain. I care about you Niles… I care about you _very_ much. You need someone _real_ Niles - not a specter… not a shadow. Someone to hold you, to care for you and love you. Why shouldn't that person be me, Niles?"

Niles sprang up suddenly, but he didn't move otherwise. 

"No," he said darkly. "No."

"Niles, I think I am falling in love with you. Is there anything really _wrong _with that?"

"You can't," Niles said tearfully. "Don't you see… I'll never be able to love anyone the way I loved Daphne… Damn… damn her for being so… so **perfect! **When she died, she left me an emotional cripple… C.S. Lewis' original 'one-legged man'… Do you want to be a crutch, Audrey? Is it _fair _that I use you, like I used Mel - as a substitute for Daphne? I swore I'd never do that again to anyone!"

He gritted his teeth and clenched his hands in a knot by his side. Tears rolled down Audrey's cheeks. She waited knowing that the fury that he had kept locked up inside him was just beginning to burst forth.

"This is what her dying did to me! **_I loved her so much! _**I would have gladly given up my life for hers! But now I'm doomed to live within the _shadow_ of her love. Not her _real_ love, mind you – only the shadow! I _want_ to love you, Audrey, _I really do_! But I figure anyone who is close to me has to live in that shadow too. That's too much to ask any one person to do!" 

He took a gulp of air and raised his fists. 

"Oh, God! The closer I try and get to someone, the more I feel I am betraying her!_ I'm caught in trap and I can't escape!" _he wailed_. _His mouth contorted into a painful slash on his face._ "_Sometimes, I **hate** her!! **_I hate Daphne for dying and leaving me! I want… God help me… I want to be free of the ghost of Daphne!"_**

Niles collapsed onto the couch sobbing. 

"No! No! How c… can I say such _vile_ th… things! It makes me _sick_ to hear myself speak such disgusting thoughts!" he spit the words out. "I can't hate her! I loved her! I loved her so very, very much! She m… m…meant… everything to m… me! Oh God! I just want this aching to stop! I'm just so tired… tired of running and hiding… from Daphne, from you… from myself… I just don't know _what_ to feel any more, I'm so numb from all the pain."

The wrath inside of him spent, his head drooped while his shoulders shook in violent fits and starts as he gasped for air. 

Audrey slid over beside him and cradled him in her arms.

"Shhh," she comforted. "Shhh… let it out Niles. It's all right. You're finally facing that demon – and that fiend is the rage you have been carrying with you since she died. It's all right for you to be angry with Daphne. Let that anger out! You don't really hate her! You're just angry that she's gone. I can tell by your passionate words and by the look in your eyes when you told me about her, that she meant the world to you Niles. And when she died your world shattered. It must have been _so_ hard for you! I can't be Daphne. I wouldn't even think of trying to be her substitute. But we both know after what happened today, that there is definitely something between us... something that I want to give a chance to grow Niles. I know that what you went through wasn't easy. But you can't just shut yourself off from life. Doing that won't make the pain of losing Daphne go away. I know you have a long road in front of you before things are fully right again. But sometimes the greatest journeys start with the smallest of steps. Let me help you take that first step. Let me help you start healing those wounds, Niles. Let me _love_ you Niles."

She kissed his cheek lightly and removed his glasses. Slowly, with deliberate fondness, she whiped his tear-stained face dry with the edge of her sleeve.

"Why?" he whimpered meekly, looking up into her face. "Why would you do this for me?"

"Not for _you_," she gently corrected. "But I _would_ do this for _us._ Why? Because I think you are worth it"

Niles closed his eyes and laid his head down on the couch. Audrey reassuringly stroked his brow. Her touch seemed to act like a salve on his battered soul. A look of relief spread across his face.

She realised that what had passed between them tonight had been a remarkable step in the right direction, but it had taken its toll on his body and his mind. It was time for him to rest. And her too. They would talk more in the morning. She tossed another log or two on the fire, threw a blanket over Niles' reclining form and quietly retreated to her own bedroom.

When she turned and looked back, she could hear the steady, sleep- induced rhythm of his breathing through the darkness.

His earlier words still echoed in her ears.

__

"I want to love you, Audrey, I really do!"

"You are a strange and wonderful man, Niles Crane," she whispered. "And I _want_ you to love me, too. Let's hope you can find a way."

End of Chapter 6 (to be continued) 


	7. Chapt. 7 : Revelations

At the Heart of It All  
  
  
  
by Val McCaffery  
  
  
  
Chapt. 7: Revelations  
  
  
  
It was the blinding light that Niles first noticed. It achromatized the vista before him, bleaching the vibrant tones from everything he saw. Niles brought his hands up to shield his eyes. He scanned the scene, hunting for clues, searching for some solid evidence to indicate his whereabouts. It all seemed faintly familiar, the placement of the trees and low-lying shrubs, the way the ground undulated out in front of him in small rolling knolls. He had the distinct feeling that he had been there at sometime in the past, but the exactitude of it all eluded him. It all seemed so serene, but he suspected that even in the most peaceful of places, there could be hidden dangers. A sense of trepidation began to take hold of him.  
  
Then without warning the landscape seemed to be shifting. Niles felt himself being pulled along, almost effortlessly; moving further into the image that encompassed him. He realised now that he was in Forest Hills, the cemetery where Daphne had been laid to rest. He could see the rows of drab headstones silently announcing their sorrowful contents. Why hadn't he seen them earlier? He looked up into the sky. Chalky clouds skirted across the azure expanse above his head, blocking out some of the intensity of the surrounding light. Niles wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. At least now he could see more clearly. The verdant vegetation and well-manicured lawns almost seemed supersaturated with brilliant color compared to only moments ago. What was that dark spot on the horizon? Niles squinted. Why hadn't he worn his glasses? Tentatively he began walking towards the distant cryptic image. As he drew closer he realised it was a group of people obviously gathered at a graveside. He could feel his heart start to palpitate wildly.  
  
"It can't be for Daphne's, can it?" he wondered. "I know she's already been buried. It must be something like a memorial service. But why didn't anyone inform me?"  
  
As he approached he could hear the ritualistic murmurs of the Episcopalian priest. No one looked up as Niles proceeded to the front of the somber assemblage.  
  
"I must be late," he worried. "Thank God no one has noticed!"  
  
He took his place between Frasier and his father and quietly bowed his head. His eyes traveled downward. His mouth fell open in shock as he discovered he was completely naked! Niles felt mortified. And to add to his utter humiliation he noticed that he also had an undeniable erection.  
  
"My God!" Niles cried. "I've got to get out of here!"  
  
"Shh!" Frasier admonished him. "Really Niles, this isn't the time or the place for that type of behaviour! Can't you control your urges!"  
  
"Go easy on him Fraz," Martin advised. "You know he just lost the only woman he loved. It's hard on him." Both Frasier and Martin chuckled at the embarrassing pun.  
  
"Is that some kind of a sick joke?" Niles thought. "How can Frasier and Dad be so lacking in sympathy for me?"  
  
Niles tried to cover himself, but whatever he did it wasn't enough. An undertone of troublesome mutterings began to permeate the group.  
  
"Really! And his beloved wife barely cold in the ground!"  
  
"Do you think that exhibition is for her or someone else?"  
  
"Who knows? He said he loved her, but she's dead now, so. "  
  
Niles turned in a panic to try and flee, but the crowd blocked his path. They weren't going to let him escape!  
  
Frasier demanded, "Niles is it true? What are your feelings. now that Daphne is. there!"  
  
Niles followed his brother's pointing finger and was horrified to discover that Daphne wasn't in a casket, but lying in the open grave, her pallid complexion accentuated by the dark earth around her. Her eyes were closed and her hands were folded neatly across the lap of her favourite red dress. Seeing her there in her pale, deathly slumber was too much for him to endure. Niles felt his body convulse. The dark, expanding clouds now shrouded the heavens entirely in gloom. The agitation of the surrounding people rose collectively, increasing his agonizing plight.  
  
"Prove that you love her!" someone shouted.  
  
"Yes, talk is cheap!"  
  
"Show us. We want proof!"  
  
"Yes, proof.proof.. proof!" went up the incessant chant.  
  
"Help me!" pleaded Niles. "Frasier. Dad?"  
  
He felt like he was suffocating! He couldn't breathe! The mob surged forward knocking him over. His bare feet slipped on the smooth earth. Desperately he clawed at the air, but there was nothing to grip onto and he found himself catapulted through the void. He was tumbling into Daphne's grave. He was going to be buried alive! His mouth began to fill with dirt. He choked, gasping for air! In a total state of frenzy Niles futilely tried to climb out of the abyss.  
  
"I'm going to die!" he moaned. "I don't want to. I've got to wake up from this nightmare! Help. help me. please!"  
  
The darkness closed around him once again...  
  
When he woke up the blanket that covered him was drenched in sweat and swathed about his body like a mummy's shroud.  
  
Niles freed his arm from its woolen prison and glanced at his watch. It took a few seconds for his eyes and brain to register the green glow of 3:15 a.m. He lay back down on the couch in complete exhaustion. The fire was a smoldering pile of ashes now. A shiver flickered through his body. Niles pulled the covers up around himself tighter, to help stave off the increasingly cold air.  
  
He closed his eyes, desperately hoping that sleep would overtake him once again. But part of him knew that with it would come the relentless nightmares. an invasion of guilt, bitterness and longing that had raided his life since Daphne died. It was enough to make him wish for the blissfulness of insomnia.  
  
It was then, as he lay in the chilly gloom of Audrey's living room, that he decided to return to Seattle for the holidays. He couldn't even answer why it was suddenly so important to him - he just knew he needed to retreat. to go. home. Maybe it was because it was so near to Christmas. a Christmas that would be a first for him without Daphne in almost ten years. Even before they got together, she had always been a special part of that time of the year for him, ever since she first entered the Crane family's lives. Daphne always adored Christmas and Niles adored the fact that she adored it, and after they were together, Daphne adored that he adored. Niles stared up into the darkness. This Christmas would be especially hard on him. He needed to feel connected to his past somehow. Maybe going back to Seattle for a bit would give him a comforting ritual to lean on. He could just pretend, just for a little while at least.  
  
On the other hand, maybe he had an urge to go back to Seattle because, in the back of his mind, he had always felt like he had run away from that end of his life. Going back would give him a chance hopefully to face whatever he had turned his back on. Then he could go forward with his life with a clearer conscience. Maybe.  
  
Niles wasn't confident that the answer would be found, even in Seattle. but it was worth a try.  
  
  
  
"Good morning! Would you like some breakfast, Niles?" Audrey asked as she rounded the corner of the living room. "It wouldn't take me long to make some toast or even eggs if you'd like."  
  
Niles didn't say a word. He rubbed his eyes and swung his legs to the floor. Audrey could tell that he had something on his mind by the way his fingers distractedly picked at the fabric of the blanket that had covered him during the night.  
  
"No, no thank you, Audrey," he said, his focus on the blanket intensifying as he spoke. "I. I don't really feel like eating at the moment. I hope you understand."  
  
She crossed the room and rescued the covering from his hands, folding it up carefully and placing it on the arm of the sofa. "I'm trying to understand Niles. I'm trying very hard."  
  
Niles looked down at his rumpled clothes and shifted uncomfortably about, making an unsuccessful attempt to smooth the wrinkles out while still remaining seated on the sofa. Audrey shook her head slightly and stifled an overwhelming impulse to hug and shake him at the same time.  
  
"I have a feeling we aren't talking about breakfast any longer, are we?" he said quietly.  
  
"No, we aren't Niles." Audrey leaned over and kissed him cautiously on his bristly cheek. Niles didn't retreat from her, but a look of pensive consideration met her when she tilted her head back.  
  
"Sometimes you don't make it very easy Niles," Audrey added. "I told you yesterday how I feel about you - how you affect me and. and I haven't really heard what you want to do about it. Where do we go from here?"  
  
"Audrey," he responded deliberately. "I have a lot of questions. questions that I have to get some answers for before I can go any further."  
  
He reached out and brushed a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear softly. His fingers lingered on the nape of her neck as he spoke. Audrey trembled under his touch.  
  
"The Christmas break is coming up soon. I think I'll use that opportunity to go back to Seattle and spend some time with my family. I don't know if that will help me find some answers, but it might. I just want to be able to love and remember Daphne. without hating myself."  
  
Audrey took a rather large gulp of air. She was scared. He wanted to put some distance between them and. and then what? Would she just become a short-lived memory? Had she pushed him too fast with an emotional deluge that he couldn't handle? She felt like crying, but knew that wouldn't help things. This just wouldn't work unless he trusted her enough to let it happen.  
  
Niles took her hand and held it tightly. Audrey reveled in the way his long fingers wrapped around hers. He rubbed her skin gently as he continued, "Is that all right? I mean, I don't want it to appear that I am running away. away from you or. from us."  
  
"Niles," she said bravely, her voice shaking a bit. "I don't want you entering into this relationship consumed by so much pain or doubt that it jeopardizes the promise of what could be. If seeing your family will help you move forward, then by all means, do what ever it takes, Niles - for both of us."  
  
Audrey noticed the some of the tension in Niles' grip diminish, as a sigh escaped from his lips. She could sense the impact of his gaze as it traveled from her hands, journeyed along her arms, lingered a bit on her lips and then finally came to rest at her eyes. Audrey gasped slightly as she met his look and felt the intensity of his emotions. His cobalt stare didn't waver. She was sure he was going to kiss her, but he hung back, the hesitation in him ultimately winning over his desires.  
  
"Somehow I've got to let him know that I am here for him," she thought. "I've got to show him that I understand his pain... That I won't disappear when he needs someone to lean on... That I want to be with him no matter what."  
  
"I.I should be g.going," Niles stammered. "I have a lot to do before the holidays begin."  
  
He rose from the couch and gathered up his sweater, heading into the back mudroom as he continued to talk.  
  
"I could take back all the skis, if you like, on my way home today," he chattered nervously. "You can't imagine the amount of student papers that I have to mark before the Christmas break. I'll have to pack and close up the house and -"  
  
Niles stopped suddenly and glanced back at Audrey, who had slowly followed after him. She wanted to run into his arms and have him hold her closely.  
  
"I'll call you when I get to Seattle," he said, his voice shaking.  
  
"This isn't going to be easy for me either," she thought. "I hope he realizes that."  
  
"Yes, you call me when you get to Seattle," she repeated. "I. I'd like that. very much. I hope you find the answers you need. I'll miss you, Niles."  
  
Audrey turned away.  
  
"I wish he would just leave, before I break down and either start to cry or run over there and smother him with kisses!"  
  
She heard him zip up his parka and pick up the skis.  
  
"I. I guess I should be on my way," he mumbled awkwardly. "Good bye. goodbye Audrey."  
  
The screen door closed with a springy bang behind him. She went to the window and watched him. At first he struggled a bit, trying to fit the skis into his trunk, but his persistence paid off and soon he had conquered the errant equipment. Once inside the car, Niles just sat there, as if immobilized by an inexplicable force, his hands frozen on the steering wheel, his stare fixated on a distant spot on the horizon. Audrey was just about to the point where she was going to go out and ask him if he needed some help, when she saw him suddenly shake his head slowly, put the key in the ignition and then cautiously drive off down the lane way.  
  
"You had better call me Niles Crane," she said out loud to herself. "I don't think I could stand it if you didn't. And don't you lose your way and forget about me!"  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
Niles carefully folded his neatly pressed tee shirt and placed it into the exact spot that he had designated for undergarments in his luggage. As he went through these perfunctory motions he was thinking about how surprised Frasier had been when he phoned and told him that he would be able to make it down to Seattle for Christmas after all. At first he tried to make it sound like a casual decision, but Niles knew Frasier picked up on the urgent sound in his voice almost immediately.  
  
"I thought you said that you wouldn't have time," Frasier said suspiciously. "That you wanted us to come up to Bellingham. Why the sudden change, with the holiday only a week away? Is something up Niles?"  
  
"Why does anything have to be up?" Niles replied defensively. "My schedule just cleared a bit more quickly than I anticipated so I would like to be in Seattle with my family for Christmas - anything wrong with that?"  
  
"Niiillles." It was a gentle admonishment, but a clear indication that Frasier wasn't buying it.  
  
"Oh, all right," Niles conceded. "I need to talk to you about something that has come up. something in my priv... private life."  
  
Frasier didn't say too much as Niles proceeded to fill him with a condensed version of some of the things that he had been experiencing. He discreetly left out the sensual minutiae of the skiing trip, just saying that over the course of the past few weeks he had developing feelings for Audrey that were increasingly more difficult for him to handle.  
  
"I just need to be. be in some familiar territory, Frasier," Niles admitted. "Remember that compass you gave me when I first moved here? Well, right now it's pointing to. Seattle. I can't really explain it any better than that. I know it's rather sudden. but I hope you understand. You up for it?"  
  
"You can count on me anytime, brother," was Frasier's unqualified reply.  
  
With a final look around his bedroom, Niles headed down the stairs to turn on the timer lights before starting out on his journey.  
  
After coding in the house alarm, he picked up a small, meticulously wrapped parcel off the hall table and put it in his overcoat pocket.  
  
"I'll drop this off at Audrey's office on my way out of town," he thought. "I want her to have it, even if I won't be around for Christmas."  
  
The sound of light tapping on the front door interrupted his thoughts.  
  
Niles opened it to find Audrey standing there in front of him, a bit breathless, as if she had made a mad dash to catch a departing train.  
  
"Oh, Niles," she said, a toothy grin breaking out on her face. "I'm so glad I caught you before you left! I have something here for you."  
  
And with that, she thrust a brightly colored package into his hand.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Niles," she whispered, as she stood on her tiptoes and brushed his cheek with an airy kiss.  
  
"Thank you, Audrey," he said shyly. "This is quite a coincidence - I have something I was just about to take over to you. Here.this. this is for you. "  
  
His voice trailed off as he slipped his hand into his coat pocket and offered her his gift.  
  
"Open mine first, silly," she teased. "I want you to see what it is before you leave on your trip."  
  
Niles fastidiously pealed back the paper to reveal a CD.  
  
"Die Zauberflöte. Mozart's 'The Magic Flute'," he said in awe. "Arturo Toscanini conducting. It's the 1937 recording with the Vienna Philharmonic. It's a. a classic. I didn't know it was finally on CD. I've loved this opera ever since I was a little boy. It's breathtaking! Thank you. I can listen to it on the way to Seattle."  
  
"I knew it held a special meaning for you. now more than ever perhaps. It's.it's about the power of. of love," she said in a hushed tone.  
  
Niles looked down at her glowing face, his eyes glistening with appreciation. "Thank you, Audrey," he repeated. His hands reached out and clasped her arms affectionately. His eyes were riveted to hers for what seemed like infinity.  
  
Audrey swallowed hard.  
  
"I'm. I'm glad you. like it, Niles."  
  
She licked her lips.  
  
All Niles could see was her moist, crimson mouth and a tiny hint of her pinkish, wet tongue half-hidden behind a row of milky teeth.  
  
He could feel himself falling again. falling into that pit of irresistible longing and undeniable anxiety. It seemed like that relentless struggle within him would never let him fully enjoy a moment like this. It would never let him give himself over to the feelings that he longed for. He closed his eyes and cleared his throat.  
  
"I. I think it is your turn now, Audrey," Niles croaked huskily. His hands dropped to his sides in self-defeat.  
  
"Will my fear always win out in the end?" he wondered.  
  
"So it is," she said as she broke away from the tension of the moment and pulled gently on the pale, satin bow that bound up the box that he had put into her hands. "Oh, oh, Niles. Niles, you shouldn't have! Earrings.They're beautiful! I didn't get you anything nearly as grand!"  
  
Niles felt a shiver go through his body as those all too familiar words, echoing from a chilly night on a balcony many years in the past, came flooding back to him.  
  
"They're late Victorian," he said, his voice wavering. "I thought you might like them."  
  
"They're so elegant." Audrey enthused. "I want to put them on right now."  
  
"They reminded me of you," Niles said quietly. "They have. a great beauty without being ostentatious."  
  
Audrey blushed.  
  
"Here," she said as she removed her old pair. "Help me with these, please."  
  
Niles coaxed the new ones out of their little velvet box. He delicately pushed her hair away, the back of his hand grazing her cheeks as he slipped the earrings on Audrey's nubbins of flesh.  
  
Audrey's fingers clutched at his hand as he finished. It was all so intoxicating. so uncontrollable. so.  
  
Niles surrendered to his ardent desires and bent his head down and kissed her. The taste of her in his mouth was like a starving man's first meal.  
  
"Audrey, I. I have to go," he pleaded, more trying to convince himself, rather than to imply that she was keeping him against his will.  
  
"I know," she said regretfully. "I don't want to stop you, I just want to remind you of why you are coming back."  
  
She hugged him tightly, holding onto him while she buried her face in the chest of his coat.  
  
"Please call me as soon as you get to Seattle," she implored.  
  
Niles stroked the top of her head, "I will," he said simply.  
  
She seemed mollified and released him from her hold. Niles turned and picked up his bags, giving both of them a few minutes to compose themselves.  
  
"Take care driving, Niles," Audrey said as she stepped into the crisp December air and took a deep breath out on the porch.  
  
"Yes, of course," Niles replied as he locked the door and proceeded down the steps towards his car. "I'll see you in about two weeks."  
  
Niles watched as Audrey walked to the curb and climbed into her own vehicle. When she had driven out of sight, he leaned against the trunk of his car and sighed.  
  
"My God, I not only want to love her," he thought. "I know now that I do love her! Now, if I only had the courage to show her that I love her. Maybe that's what I'm hoping to find in Seattle."  
  
  
  
  
  
Frasier was pleased that for most of the time, Niles actually appeared from all outward signs, to be enjoying Christmas day surrounded by his family. The familiarity of it all seemed to comfort him. There was of course, the key missing element - Daphne - but Niles looked as though he was trying his best to remain cheerful and not let her absence overwhelm him. Roz helped a great deal to lighten the mood when she arrived with Alice.  
  
"It's hard for anyone to remain glum in the presence of the absolute joy that a little child feels towards Christmas," Frasier observed.  
  
But finally the façade of gaiety fell away, and when it did Niles came in at lightning speed for a crash landing.  
  
It occurred just after dinner. The gifts had all been unwrapped and the "thank you"s and "I love it!"s had all made their rounds. Once the plates had been cleared Alice begged her Uncle Niles to play "Jingle Bells" on the piano. At first, he expressed a bit of reluctance, but with Alice cajoling him in her best little girl fashion, his resistance finally broke down and he agreed to her demands. After producing a highly stylized version of the simple sleighing song, Niles seemed to be happily caught up in the moment and continued on with a selection of other songs, both secular and religious. Everyone joined in and all seemed to be going well until he played "Silent Night"...  
  
"Round yon virgin, Mother and Child, Holy infant, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace Sleep in heavenly peace."  
  
As the last pensive refrain resonated throughout the room, Niles froze at the keyboard, his hands hovering in the air for a moment. An uncomfortable stillness rippled outward, overtaking the rest of the group. Frasier cleared his throat. Martin shifted uneasily on his cane and looked over Niles' shoulder at Roz, who shrugged back at him. Alice, not understanding the sudden cessation of the merriment, tugged on Niles' jacket sleeve and innocently requested "One more please, Uncle Niles."  
  
Niles hurriedly brushed away a tear that tracked down his cheek, quietly suggested that it was about time that Frasier had a chance to play something and beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom near the entrance to the apartment.  
  
"W. what happened?" asked Roz. "Everything seemed to be going so well. He really looked like he was enjoying himself. Was it a favourite Christmas song of Daphne's or something?"  
  
"Not that I know of," Martin offered. "Daph told me one time that she liked "Silver Bells" best of all."  
  
"It wouldn't have to be anyone's favorite," explained Frasier. "It could have just triggered a past memory of something Daphne said, or Niles could have associated it with a feeling that reminded him of her. or maybe just the tone of the piece made him feel downhearted. Remember this is his first Christmas without her. When he called and told me he was coming, he mentioned that he is going through a particularly rough time right now."  
  
Roz glanced towards the bathroom door.  
  
"Do you think his meeting Audrey has anything to do with it?" she said under her breath.  
  
"I think it has everything to do with it," confirmed Frasier. "I still think he should see a therapist."  
  
"What's a ther. a. pist, Mommy?" Alice interrupted.  
  
Roz turned to her six-year-old child and like any good parent said, "Alice, it's getting late. Go get your jammies on. They're in the bag on Uncle Frasier's bed. That way you'll be all ready for bed. We're going home in a little while."  
  
"Come into the kitchen," said Frasier as he led the way.  
  
Once they were safely ensconced in the other room, Frasier continued.  
  
"I think he hasn't grieved properly over Daphne's death and now his meeting Audrey has just complicated matters," Frasier explained. "He's pushed himself to the limit with a new job, a new home and now he is bringing a new person into his life."  
  
"Do you think he is falling for Audrey?" asked Roz.  
  
"He says his feelings for her have deepened," Frasier said, "He's been plagued by very troubled dreams apparently and isn't getting much sleep lately. He's repressing a lot of guilt and anger about the loss of Daphne, if you ask me."  
  
"Wow!" gasped Roz. "Niles in love. I told him to scratch an itch, not cut his wrist!"  
  
"It was bound to happen," Martin stated as a matter of fact. "Niles has always hated being alone. I just didn't think it would happen so. so quickly. He just met this gal, didn't he?"  
  
"I know, Dad," agreed Frasier. "It's all moving way too fast for my liking. I just don't want him to be hurt any further."  
  
"Well, what if Audrey really feels for him, Frasier?" interjected Roz. "What if she has fallen for him? I mean, I can't explain it, b. but some women have found him attractive - Daphne, certainly did. and Mel. and I guess Maris, too, in her own strange way."  
  
"Eeeww!" exclaimed Martin. "Don't bring up the 'M' word in this house!"  
  
"Which one? Maris or Mel?" Roz asked.  
  
"Doesn't matter - either!" Martin pointedly remarked.  
  
"Will you two listen?!?" steamed Frasier. "He hasn't even faced the reality of her death - "  
  
"Uncle Niles, what's a th.ther. a. pist?"  
  
Roz's mouth fell open at the sound of her daughter's voice. For a split second the little cadre of friends in the kitchen froze, unable to even consider how to thwart the juvenile inquisitor.  
  
Roz was the first to leap into action. She bolted from the kitchen with lightening speed, but it was too late.  
  
"Well, Alice," Niles said patiently as he sat down beside her on the sofa, "A therapist is a doctor who tries to help people who are hurt here." His finger tapped his temple lightly.  
  
Roz stopped in her tracks as she approached the dinning room table, giving Niles and Alice a wide enough berth as to give the appearance of privacy, but still stay within the range of hearing all of the conversation. Frasier and Martin quickly followed behind her from the kitchen. The three of them stood together anxiously watching as this bizarre little two- character drama unfold.  
  
"Does a therapist put a band-aid on someone's head?" the little girl asked innocently.  
  
"Nooo," replied Niles carefully. "But a therapist can help all the same. They usually make someone better by getting them to talk about what is hurting so bad - talking sometimes helps more than a bandage for certain types of hurt."  
  
"So will a therapist make you feel better?" said Alice with a directness that only a child could achieve.  
  
Niles looked up and glanced at the trio by the table. Frasier suddenly felt like an uninvited guest at a private party. He cast his eyes downward and wished he were invisible.  
  
"Why do you ask that?" Niles said patiently turning his attention back to the little girl. Frasier let out his breath slowly thankful that his brother's focus had been temporarily diverted. "Do you think that. I am. hurt?"  
  
"Yup!" Alice said without hesitation. "You're very, very sad, just like I was when my hamster died. I think you miss Auntie Daphne a lot. I know I do."  
  
"Yes, you are right. I do miss her," Niles quietly confirmed. "I miss her very much."  
  
"So is Uncle Martin a therapist?" Alice queried. Niles smiled, but before he could answer, Alice continued. "Because he helped me by talking to me about my hamster. We talked about hamster heaven and how once they go there they can't come back, but I shouldn't feel too sad because they are so happy there. Talking with Uncle Martin helped me. It made me miss my hamster less."  
  
Niles looked up at his father.  
  
"Is that so? Well, he's a pretty wise fellow that Uncle Martin," he said. "And I am sure he has helped me since Auntie Daphne. died. Everyone has tried in their own way, I guess."  
  
"Even Mommy?" Alice asked.  
  
"Yes, even your mother," Niles replied without a pause.  
  
"But. you are still sad, aren't you?" Alice asked  
  
"Yes," Niles answered shakily.  
  
Alice thought for a moment and then said. "I guess Auntie Daphne dying was a pretty big hurt, wasn't it? Bigger than my hamster, right?"  
  
"Much, much bigger, my dear," Niles whispered.  
  
Frasier shook his head. It was painful for him to watch his brother's emotions so easily exposed by the innocent prodding of a child.  
  
"You know what else helped me Uncle Niles?" Alice asked. Niles shook his head. "When I got a new hamster, I didn't feel so bad. He wasn't exactly like my first one, but I love him just the same. Whenever I start to feel sad, I just give my new Hammie a hug and he makes me feel better. Maybe you will find someone to hug too?"  
  
Niles didn't answer. He closed his eyes and clasped his hands together to stop them from shaking.  
  
"Uncle Niles, have I helped?" Alice's voice was filled with an eager earnestness. "Because. I want to help too."  
  
"Yes," Niles answered. "You certainly have helped Alice."  
  
Niles reached softly over and kissed Alice on the head.  
  
"Then that makes me a therapist too!" she announced with satisfaction as she gave him a hug. "Good night Uncle Niles."  
  
"And you're a pretty good therapist at that," Niles said as he rose up off the sofa. "Good night, Alice."  
  
Roz walked slowly up and collected her daughter.  
  
"Niles. I. I'm so sor -"  
  
Niles put his hand up to stop her.  
  
"It's all right Roz," he mumbled. An awkward pause fell over the room. "Well, I'll say my goodnights to you all. I think I'm ready to turn in. It's getting late. thanks for the lovely Christmas."  
  
As Niles headed past Frasier and Martin, his father reached out and stopped him with a gentle but firm grip.  
  
"Niles, we are always here for you," he said. "When you feel like talking you know you can depend on us to listen and support you."  
  
"Thanks, Dad," Niles mumbled. "And thanks. everybody. Just being here for this Christmas has meant so much to me, but right now I would like to get some rest."  
  
Frasier started to follow him, but Niles protested, "I'm O.K. . really. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."  
  
And with those words, he retreated down the hallway to the privacy of the study.  
  
"Well, it's time I took Alice home," Roz said, breaking the silence that had come over the room. "Come on sweetie. Let's get going."  
  
Once the farewell embraces were distributed all round, Frasier shut the door and headed in the direction of his brother's room.  
  
"Son," whispered Martin, "I think we should just let Niles be for the night. We can talk with him in the morning."  
  
"But, Dad - "  
  
"No," insisted Martin. "We've told him that we are here for him. He'll talk about it when he is ready. Niles lost a large part of his life when Daphne died. And it's Niles who has to deal with that missing piece of the puzzle - not you or me! Who knows, maybe we are wrong - maybe this gal Audrey is just the person to help Niles find the love he lost? But he has to make that choice for himself. We should give him some space. Leave him be. Now, let's go."  
  
  
  
  
  
"This image puts a spell on me A beauty only gods should see I feel it, I feel it. How this angel's face awakes my heart, Now filled with grace Awakes my heart, now filled with grace I cannot name this strange new yearning That fills my heart like fire burning. "  
  
Tamino's aria filled Niles' ears and spirit as he lay stiffly on the sofa bed, still in his clothes, listening to the CD in the darkened room. The light from the window bathed the room in a pale, grayish-blue hue. The haunting music drifted over him as he stared up at the ceiling. Niles knew "The Magic Flute" first act's words off by heart, but never did it hold such meaning for him. Or cause him such consternation. He believed Audrey's developing love for him was genuine, but did she really even understand what he was going through? Was he using her as a way to work through his grief for Daphne? Being back here so close to everything that reminded him of Daphne had planted the seeds of doubt in his consciousness. Was Audrey just a substitute for Daphne or did he love her for who she really was? The strains of the instruments and voices washed over him like a tidal wave. No! His feelings for Audrey were real! She was Pamino. He was Tamino. Together they would find a way to see that their love triumphed, even through the most difficult of ordeals.  
  
"It is love! Love alone Oh just to find her, would restore me Then I would, I would - love divine - what would I do? Next to my heart I would invite her The flame inside me would delight her."  
  
"Restore me!" Niles thought. "That's what Audrey's love can do for me. Ignite a flame inside me that wants to burn brightly, but hasn't had any fuel to keep it going."  
  
But these were the feelings that he had always reserved for Daphne. He had pledged his undying love to her. How could he find two loves to last a lifetime? Could any man be so fortunate and so cursed at the same time? Maybe coming home for Christmas was really a bad idea - too many memories of Daphne to contend with.  
  
"We made love in this very room! After our passions spilled over in the living room, we ended the evening in here. I remember every detail. how she turned down the sheets, how she put a silk scarf over the lamp and I lit some candles. Oh, God!! She was so soft and warm in my arms. "  
  
Niles closed his eyes. He could feel Daphne's smile - he reached out to her. But he felt like he was trying to hold onto a shadow. The harder he tried to hold on, the more it slipped away. He needed something real. He wanted someone to love, and someone to love him back, desperately. The tears flowed down his face and he let out a muted cry as a cold dark stab of pain cut through his life.  
  
"I suffer from the deepest sorrow. I've lost all joy now for tomorrow I've lost all joy now for tomorrow A wicked beast, a wicked beast Stole her from here."  
  
The words of the song became a revelation. It dawned on him that Audrey had selected that opera not only as a way of signaling her passion for him, but also she was telling him that she understood his sorrow at losing Daphne - that he wasn't alone in his pain any more. And she would help him slay that wicked beast of emptiness that had taken over his heart.  
  
"Daphne!" he wept out loud "Goodbye my love. "  
  
He could finally let Daphne go. go to special place in his heart and let Audrey's love in. He was ready. He took the chain that held his wedding ring and Daphne's locket from around his neck. He would find a place of honor for it in his life, but it wouldn't serve as a barrier between him and the real world any longer. It couldn't. Daphne would never have wanted her love to cause him to remain in such pain. It was her dying wish that he find happiness in his life after she was gone and Niles knew that he would never possess this unless he was with Audrey now.  
  
"Thank you, my love," he whispered. "Thank you."  
  
  
  
  
  
Frasier was first drawn down the hallway by the sounds of the music.  
  
"I still see her terror Her trembling, her horror Too frightened, too tender She had to surrender And so I watched while she was taken "Ah, help!", "Ah, help!" was all that she could say She must have felt she was forsaken For all my strength had gone away. "  
  
When he approached nearer he could clearly hear his brother sobbing.  
  
"Daphne! Goodbye my love!"  
  
"To hell with what Dad said," he thought. "Niles needs someone and I can't just stand idly by and watch him suffer!"  
  
"Niles?"  
  
"Niles, are you all right?"  
  
Frasier opened the door slowly and peered in.  
  
Niles lay rigidly on the bed surrounded by the music and the darkness.  
  
"And when at last with you I see her She's yours to love for all of time To love for all, ah. all of time."  
  
Frasier crept in and shut the door. He walked calmly over to the player and put it in the pause mode.  
  
"Niles, just tell me how you feel," he said. "How you really feel. I promise I'll listen - no judgements, no advice. Just talk to me brother, please?"  
  
"I know now that Daphne's gone, Frasier," Niles said, his tone raw and ragged. "I've finally come to the realization that I can never have her. you know. really have her again. But you know. I'm lucky, really very lucky."  
  
"Why is that Niles?" Frasier asked hopefully.  
  
"Because I've got Audrey and she has re-lit the flame in me that I thought was extinguished when Daphne died. I love Audrey, not as a surrogate for Daphne, but for who she really is. I thought that I would never be able to love again, never feel anything again, but then this wonderful woman came into my life and changed all that. and I know that Audrey loves me, all of me - even with all the emotional baggage I have brought along. I know that. I know that for sure now because she's telling me with this song."  
  
  
  
  
  
Niles left the very next day. He had a long talk with Martin before he left, explaining about Frasier's midnight visit. His dad rolled his eyes and muttered something about "that boy never listens", but true to form, he mostly just listened.  
  
"I just have to go and see Audrey," Niles concluded. "You understand, don't you Dad?"  
  
"More than you will ever know," was the old man's reply.  
  
When Niles got back to Bellingham it was nearly three in the afternoon. All along the rain-slicked Interstate 5, he played the CD of The Magic Flute while he rehearsed what he was going to say to her, his enthusiasm building with each passing mile. He finally felt free - free to love Audrey and still have a place in his heart for Daphne.  
  
"I'll find a better bridge to my Daphne," he thought. "Not one built on pain, but one that will celebrate what we had and show how I cherish her memory."  
  
He thought about phoning Audrey ahead of time, but decided to surprise her instead. The only detour he made was to Bella Flora's Gift Shop.  
  
"I'll take the Enchanted Garden bouquet, please," he instructed the pimply- faced youngster behind the counter. "It's perfect - like a walk through a spring garden."  
  
Niles wanted to present the flowers as a symbolic gesture of his new found hope.  
  
"Ton amour est comme le printemps," he thought poetically. "Oooo, I must write that down on the card!"  
  
Finally he rounded the bend in the road near Lake Whatcom and pulled into Audrey's driveway, almost holding his breath with anticipation. Niles bounded up the cement pathway to her house, opened the screen and knocked hard against the wooden door. A little seed of disappointment planted itself firmly in his mind, when his expected grand entrance was met by no response. It hadn't occurred to him that she wouldn't be home. He walked around the back of the house and tried the other door. Still no answer. Niles peeked inside the window beside the door. The house was dark and completely deserted. He circled back around front and sat down on the small concrete step. This unexpected delay dampened his buoyant mood, but he bucked up his spirits by reminding himself that one quick phone call could put things back on track. He'd simply call her and tell her that he had come back early. His plans had changed and he couldn't wait. there was no answer. In fact, he couldn't even connect to her line. She must have turned off her phone he reasoned.  
  
"Well, then I'll just wait for her to return," Niles said determinedly. "She should be home sometime soon."  
  
That little seed was starting to grow into a major setback. A few minutes stretched into thirty and then turned into an hour. The weather mutated from mildly cloudy, to threatening. When the rain began to pelt down Niles retreated to his car, carefully setting the now limp bunch of posies on the seat beside him as he slumped down into the leather upholstery. Two more attempts to phone her met with frustration. He finally closed his eyes after watching another half-hour click by on the car clock. It was almost 5:00 p.m. The early winter twilight settled in around him.  
  
"If I drive home I will probably miss her," he rationalized. "She has to come home! And when she does I'll be here. waiting. I'll be here. waiting. waiting. "  
  
His lack of sleep the night before, stemming from the long conversation with Frasier, ultimately caught up with him and he drifted off, lulled by the sound of the steady downpour on the roof of the car.  
  
The raindrops splashed with an ever-increasing velocity on the front windshield. The rainstorm and the darkness of the evening mixed into a cheerless obscurity. one hour became two.  
  
"Niles?"  
  
Was he dreaming?  
  
"Niles. Niles, wake up!"  
  
The tapping was transformed into a pounding sound.  
  
"Open up the door, please. What are you doing here?"  
  
It sounded like Audrey's voice, but it was so far away.  
  
"Niles!!"  
  
His eyes popped open and began to focus. He turned his head only to see through the murkiness, a slightly agitated Audrey with an umbrella shielding her from the storm, beating her fist against the steamy window of his car.  
  
"Audrey!" he cried out. "You're home!"  
  
A smile broke out on his face. He clutched the now decrepit bouquet, opened the door and slid out of the car and into the deluge.  
  
"Save the hellos until we get in the house," she decreed as they ran towards the door.  
  
Once safely inside she pivoted about and looked at him with hopeful amazement. "Soooo, what brings you back here so early?"  
  
"You," Niles said pulling her into his arms, while kissing her hard on the lips. He for once in his anal-retentive life, he couldn't have cared less that his precious calfskin shoes were ruined and his expensive hand-knit sweater was drenched though and though. He held her tightly. He was determined that this moment wasn't going to disappear in a fearful flurry.  
  
"Well," gasped Audrey with an equal amount of pleasure and astonishment. "Merry Christmas to you, too! Were you waiting long for me?"  
  
"In the greater scheme of things. no, not really," he said coyly. "I guess I have learned a few things through the years."  
  
That remark drew a perplexed, but accepting glance from Audrey. She leaned back and arched a curious eyebrow at him. Niles laughed.  
  
"I got here about three," he clarified. "I'm just so happy to see you!"  
  
"Oooo," she cooed, obviously picking up on his ebullient mood without fully understanding the motivation behind it. "I'm sorry you had to wait so long. I wasn't expecting you back for another couple of days, so I was visiting some friends of mine, but I am certainly glad I decided to call it a night and come home early. I'd much rather spend this evening with you. Are those for me?"  
  
She pointed to the wilted bouquet in his hand.  
  
"Yes, I. I bought them for you this afternoon." Niles frowned slightly. "It was called 'Enchanted Garden'. They were much more charming several hours ago. I wanted to surprise you. I'm sorry. They look positively wretched now."  
  
"We'll put them in some water and I bet they'll perk right up. Things always fare better with a little tender loving care," Audrey said wisely.  
  
"Plants, hamsters and people," he murmured in her ear and kissed her cheek.  
  
"What?" Audrey gave him another puzzled look. "Hamsters. what do hamsters have to do with anything?"  
  
"I'll explain later," Niles said vaguely.  
  
She playfully broke out of his grasp, extracted the flowers from his grip and glided into the kitchen to find a vase. Niles followed her closely with his eyes. He noticed that she was wearing the earrings that he had presented to her for Christmas.  
  
"The earrings I gave you - you've got them on," he called out as he shed his soggy sweater with a certain amount of difficulty. "That's. that's very nice."  
  
"Of course, I'm wearing them," Audrey said proudly. "I never took them off." She popped her head from around the corner of the kitchen door and tossed him a towel.  
  
Niles smiled. A feeling of resplendent warmth rushed though his body. He stopped in his tracks and sat down on the couch.  
  
"Have you had anything to eat?" Audrey asked. "We can light a fire, crack open a bottle of wine and - I believe I have some crackers and cheese about here somewhere."  
  
"Sounds lovely. but. but before we do, I'd like to tell you something." Niles fidgeted as he folded the towel and placed it on the arm of the couch. "Can. can I do that first?"  
  
"Certainly, what is it?" Audrey sat down on the couch beside him. He looked at her, noticing every detail of her face, her dark brown eyes as they focused intently on him, the way her glasses had slid down on her nose, just ever so slightly, her nervous but composed smile. He reached out and touched her still slightly damp hair, as it clung to the curve in her neck, letting a small strand of it slip through his fingers. Niles then let his hand travel over her cheek, pausing at her mouth, as he traced her lips with his thumb, lingering there for just a moment... He suddenly cleared his throat and willed himself back to his appointed purpose.  
  
He stood up and walked towards the window using those few minutes to gather his thoughts. A few Christmas house lights twinkled along the dark shore illuminating the inky vista. Niles noted that the rain had ceased. That was a good sign.  
  
He stood still for a moment more, gazing out on Lake Whatcom before speaking.  
  
"I had to hurry back to tell you three things Audrey," he finally said. "Three very important things. First, that you have made me recognize that there is a vital part of me that didn't die when Daphne did. For a long time I refused to admit that I even still possessed those. those feelings of desire and passion. ever since Daphne passed away. First I tried to drown them in alcohol and sorrow. Then I tried to bury them in busy work. But it just took being near you to remind me that those feelings can't be denied. You've rekindled them in me."  
  
He turned around and looked over at her, watching how she was sitting, perched perfectly still, sitting straight-backed on the cushion of the couch, waiting for him to resume talking. Her face shone with anticipation.  
  
"Second," he continued, "You allowed me to start facing the fury that I. that I have felt ever since Daphne passed away. I don't think I realised just how angry I really was. Funny. as a therapist I am well acquainted with Kübler-Ross' five stages of grief, but I never imagined having to view it from such a personal perspective. I know now that I can master those feelings of wrath - with time and a person beside me who cares. and. and that person is you. It was absolutely essential for me to face those feelings for me to continue living. really living. to become whole again."  
  
Niles stopped and took a breath.  
  
"And lastly," he concluded, "You've restored my faith in love. It isn't something that happens without taking a risk. it's not the easiest thing in the world to do. But when you do find that connection with the right person, it is worth the entire struggle and more. To find someone who cares for you, really cares for everything you are, faults and strengths combined - it requires a complete and utter trust in someone. I haven't felt that way since I discovered Daphne was in love with me. And now - "  
  
Audrey interrupted, "And now. what have you discovered, Niles?"  
  
"That I can love you, Audrey," he said. "And that I can show you how much I love you at last."  
  
Niles opened his arms, welcoming her into his heart. Audrey walked over and hugged him. He bent down and kissed her again, this time more slowly, letting his lips linger on hers. She nuzzled his chin and hung on a bit tighter to him, as if she was jealous of even the smallest molecules of air that would come between them.  
  
"Niles," she said cautiously. "Niles, where's - "  
  
"The locket?" he said quietly. "I found a perfect spot for it. I bought a beautiful velvet lined box at the florist shop this afternoon and I'm planning to put it on my fireplace mantle along with Daphne's picture in the library. I think she would like that."  
  
"I'm sure she would," Audrey agreed.  
  
She reached up and cupped his cheek in her hand.  
  
"I love you. Niles Crane."  
  
Audrey pronounced each word clearly, drawing the sentence out as if attempting to carve it into this moment forever.  
  
"That's Niles Horatio Crane," Niles corrected mischievously. "But you have to promise me that you won't repeat that to anyone."  
  
"You have my word on it - cross my heart," Audrey assured him.  
  
"That's all I want - your heart." Niles said. "After all. it's a fair exchange - you have mine."  
  
He finally had found what he required to heal the wound left by Daphne's death. At the heart of it all, love was all he needed.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
